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15 + 114 points

Correspond with a spammer by Lincøln

August 22nd, 2010 12:02 PM

INSTRUCTIONS: Correspond with a spammer.

First, let me start by saying I never intended to do this task for real as I Level Zerøed it in this task.

But an opportunity came up that was too good to ignore.

I’m also sorry that this is so long, but I didn’t want to edit any part out, because 1) most of it is really good stuff, and 2) steps 3 & 4 are necessary to understanding step 5 if you know what I mean or ever tried to fold a Kawasaki Rose. So, here you will find the entire unedited correspondence. I also color coded it to make it easier for you to read.

I am also going to confess, that I toured with a show a friend of mine did for five years, the entire show is two actors reading real emails between himself and a Nigerian scammer. In writing to "Alyona" here I accidentally and purposely stole some ideas and themes that Dean Cameron used years ago when he originally wrote to the Nigerian scammer. And watching the show time after time has engrained some of the ideas and jokes into my brain, so I give credit to Dean Cameron's Nigerian Spam Scam Scam.

And now on to:
Lincoln's Russian Spam Scam Scam!

But before I get to the main point, I will try to recreate the steps that led to this correspondence as best I can.

A friend of mine plays this game SFØ, and he also is on the Twitter, and I follow him. One day I get this from him:
I've been getting a lot of emails this week from Russian ladies wanting me to help them move to the U.S..
11:32 AM Jul 23rd via Echofon

To which I replied:
@TheGonzalez Forward.
11:41 AM Jul 23rd via TweetDeck in reply to TheGonzalez

To which he replied:
@Unshod Done.
11:54 AM Jul 23rd via Echofon in reply to Unshod

And I looked in my email and found this:
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, Jul 23, 2010 at 12:47 AM
Subject: It's me again
To: "C.M. Gonzalez"

Hello!!! my name Evgeniya !
It is my first time I try to correspondence with man in internet world.
I do hope you will be enough patient to understand my writing.
I want you to know that I have only good intentions and I don`t have big secrets.
The thing is that I will work abroad for three months or so and
I would like to meet a nice man to
be my guide or just be good friend to spend time with.
I think that it is hard enough to live in foreign town
without friends and also I have never been abroad. I am from so small town here
in Russia,I am afraid to be lost.
I don't want to live in Russia because I have not any chances here,it
is hardly possible to explain it by the first time but I want you to know my plans.
In Russia many young girls also want to start a new life abroad, so many of them
used a special program "Work and travel" for young people who wants to work abroad.
I also decided to do so and to use it. This program just helps to register documents and gives
suitable work in your area. I already started to register
documents and now I need to decide in which city I want to work.
I will work as a dance teacher I`m a professional dancer,
I dance in group on festivals, wedding celebrations etc.
Well,I will close this letter and I do hope to get your reply.
I will leave my town in a few days or so (I can't tell you everything exactly right now) and I would like to
be sure that I have a man who waits for me there. I will work all day and I would like to find a
man to spend all free time together to get to know each other better.
if you have any interest to meet me I will be more than happy to meet you too.


With that, I replied to her thusly:
date Fri, Jul 23, 2010 at 12:11 PM
subject Re: It's me again

Hello Evgeniya, you send this email to a friend of mine, but he couldn't help you out, because he's married and his wife gets jealous. I hope you understand. I, however am not married and I saw your picture and just had to write you back. Is it too forward of me to say that you look beautiful? I know I'm not who you sent the email to, and I hope you can forgive me writing to you in his stead.

And I relpied to C.M. on the Twitter:
@TheGonzalez Oh man she looks PERFECT! I'm already in love! Broken English and big boobs! My two favorite things!
12:04 PM Jul 23rd via TweetDeck in reply to TheGonzalez

To which he responded:
@Unshod I wish you luck this time. Last time, that lady you and Frank were fighting over turned out to just be a glazed doughnut.
12:02 PM Jul 23rd via Echofon in reply to Unshod

Then C.M. forwarded another email from her to me:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: 2010/7/22
Subject: Hello, how you?
To: "C.M. Gonzalez"

Give gets acquainted?
What is your name?

????? ui7e.jpg

Pictures! I replied to her email that was mostly pictures with this:
date Fri, Jul 23, 2010 at 12:21 PM
subject Fwd: Hello, how you?

My friend also sent me these three pictures of you as well. Are you a supermodel in Russia where you come from? Perhaps when you come to America you could let me buy you some giant bracelets. Again, I'm sorry if you intended these messages for my friend, but like I said before, he's married and can't be talking to beautiful Russian supermodels. You understand, right?

Then I forwarded the email I sent her to C.M. which he responded to on Twitter:
@Unshod Hey, thanks a pantsload, man. She came to me!
12:13 PM Jul 23rd via Echofon in reply to Unshod

My clever response:
@TheGonzalez Sorry, sucker. You snooze, you lose.
12:14 PM Jul 23rd via TweetDeck in reply to TheGonzalez

Four days pass, and I think all of my fun was had with those two short snarky emails I wrote.

Then I got an email reply from her:

date Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:02 AM
subject Hi it's me

Hello (What is your name?).Its me Alyona! I was so happy when I saw your e-mail in my mail box.
I hope you will like my e-mail and photos!
I really like you and I think its
very important to know how a person looks like whom you are writing!
First of all my full name in Alyona Mouravyowa I`m 26 years old, My birthday is
August 29 1983. I'm 166 cm tall (5.6.) and 55 kg weight.
As I wrote you I live in russia, a name of my city is Asino it is situated in
Tomsk area.
II don't have a boyfriend so I'm free for new adventures!!!
I've never tried to find someone in Internet but soon I will come to your country to work there,
so I will have a work visa and a permission to work.
I think my level of English is quite good
I can't read philosophy books in English or business books))) Anyway
I want to improve my English while staying over there. I write and speak English by myself.
My spoken English is good too.
The life is different in every country and I think it's hard to live there when you don't know anybody.
I think I can change my life and see many wonderful things and just different life.
I am full of plans and different dreams.
I'm open to everything! I don't want to be an abuse for you, if you will not want me as your woman,
we can be just friends!

But I hope you like me and my photos! :)

If you don't like me I will continue my search. I hope so much to receive your answer!!!
I hope we can have a nice communication by e-mails so I will know somebody is waiting for me over there!

Tell to me about itself:
how old are you?
How the name of your city?
That it is pleasant to you in the girl?
You are married or not and send me your photo
Where you work and than like to be engaged at leisure?
You have a girl-friend??

New year 2010.jpg

Man oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I had her. I had her writing back to me. I have tried so many times to get spammers on the hook, and it never ever works, but here she was, writing back to me. So I spent some time and fashioned a good response to her:
date Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 12:21 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello Alyona! I am so happy that you were so happy to see my email in your box.
My name is Lincoln. Yes, like the sixteenth president to the United States of America.
I like all of the numbers you associate with yourself! I like it so much that I'm going to give it a try for myself!
I am 36 years old, my birthday is December 30 1973. I'm 183 cm tall and 85 kg weight. That was fun!
I like to hear where you are from, because Russia is a big country, the biggest one in the world in fact. Did you know that? I live in a pretty big country too. Mine isn't as big as yours though, it's not even bigger than the country of our slow cousins to the North: Canaduh. So I'm glad I know where in that giant country of yours that you are from. Although Asino reminds me of a scary robot, so it's probably for the best that you leave that place.
The city I live in was named by religious Spaniards, so it's named after imaginary religious beings, and it's in Spanish, but despite that, it's a pretty great city. It's called Los Angeles. Have you heard of it?. We have lots of movie studios, burritos and cars here.
You say you don't have a boyfriend so you are free for adventures. This is a remarkable coincidence, as I have no boyfriend either, and I love adventures.
I work making praxis, and I get paid in votes and fleurs. It's satisfying work.
What do you do for work? Are you a supermodel? Would I have seen you on any billboards or magazine covers? I only ask this because I've seen the photos you sent of yourself. Is that your teddy bear I see in that picture? Or does it belong to somebody else? Also are you a princess? Or do you just believe that tiaras are the next big fashion trend and you're getting ahead of the wave?
I have attached a photograph of myself because you asked me to. Tell me what you think, and also I bought a new pair of pants today, do you think they make my ass look big?


About 24 hours later, a response:
date Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 11:52 PM
subject Kiss

Hello Lincoln! It's good to write you again! I think I'm a lucky girl to meet such good
man as you in Internet! I hope I will be lucky enough to meet you in the real life soon!
I would like to specify what closest airport near you
To plan flight is closer to you
I like to go to the cinema! I really like to watch a good movie with
my friends. Could you recommend me any movie so I can watch it?
I looked recently film "Shrek for ever" to me it have very much liked
What is your favorite movie and actor? My favourite actor Bruce Willis
I want you to know all small things about me
I want you to know that I am not angel and sometimes I can show my character.
And I do not wait that you to be angel too, I just want to meet a kind man.
I am very kind and I can forgive almost all I cannot forgive if my man sleep with different woman,
I do not know many nessesary words in english. Also I can sometimes do errors. I hope you can read between lines.
I want to tell you about things I like: I like to make barbecue and I so much want to have my own home with fireplace.
usually I make very tasty ones and in principle I like to cook and it is not problem for me to cook something tasty
and I do not like to visit cafes and restaurants, at first usually they cannot cook weel (maybe only here) and second too high price.
I like warm weather. and my great dream is to live somewhere on tropical island. I hate lies and unfaithfulness.
What I like in a man: faithfulness, honesty. He has to be OPEN - minded and open-hearted, also easy-going.
and much more important he is kind, kindness makes our world!
Ok, I think I will finish my e-mail for today,
I`m sending more photos! Tell me what do you think about it?

mq 5.jpg

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is getting good! Just an hour later my reply:
date Wed, Jul 28, 2010 at 12:54 AM
subject Re: Kiss

Hi Allyoda!
I got your latest email and all I have to say is hubba-hubba!
There was one picture you sent there where you didn't have any clothes on! I approve! Although even though you didn't have any clothes on, you weren't naked. I guess you win some, you lose some. Are those your real eyelashes? They're huge! Is there some eyelash trick that all supermodels like you know about that you learn in supermodel school? I like your eyelashes and your pictures.
There is also a picture where you are wearing an animal. What kind of animal is it? And did you make it yourself? Are you a hunter? Are you like Sheena? Are there any comic books written about your exploits? Because if there were I would read them.
I'm glad you like to go to the cinema. I like to go to the cinema ass well. My favorite movie is probably Buttman's European Vacation. Have you seen it? I think you'd really enjoy it. And my favorite actor is probably Gary Busey.
I also like to hear that you are no angel. As I am no angel either. Because there's no such thing as angels. I want you to show me your character. I have a few characters. One is a level 24 paladin.
You mentioned that you enjoy fidelity in your men, and I like fidelity in my women. When I have a woman, I only need that one woman, but I need her to be very very dirty and naughty. Are you very very dirty and naughty?
You wanted to know which airport is nearest to me. I live in a very very large city, there are many airports near me. What airport is nearest to you? When you come to my country, will you be coming to my city ass well? Will you require any assfistance when you get here?
I want to know more little things about you. What is the littlest thing about you?
Also my toilet runs all night, and I don't know why, do you think you could fix it someday?
Also, what is your favorite marsupial?


Within a few hours she replied back to me.
date Wed, Jul 28, 2010 at 4:47 AM
subject kiss

As to my family - I live with mother and brother Anton to it of 11 years.
My mother of 46 years, I love it very much, it works as the hairdresser in a beauty salon.
It is very clever, and he wishes to be the naval officer as our father. My father
Was greatperson, it was brave and brave. He is an ideal person for me.
My father has died 3 years ago in wreck...
Here I can earn only about 300-400$ a month to work from morning till evening .
According to my visa I can work in your country for 4 months, I can prolong it to 6 months if I want.
After 6 months staying over there I can go home or try to get a green card.

I think I can change my life and see many wonderful things and just different life.
I am full of plans and different dreams.
I am sure you will be not disappointed to meet me in the real life!!!
I don't have a special plan or something like that for a new relationship,
I'm open to everything! I don't want to be an abuse for you, if you will not want me as your woman,
we can be just friends!
Kiss Alyona

I like it.jpg

Naturally, I drafted a response:
date Wed, Jul 28, 2010 at 5:33 AM
subject Re: kiss

Hello again Alsharona.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. He was a naval officer? His name wasn't Marko Ramius, was it?
You have sent even more pictures of your beautiful self. I love it! Keep it up! Who is the other woman in the last photo? Is it another supermodel? Do you supermodels hang out together all of the time? Do you have supermodel slumber parties? Do you wear supermodel lingerie and have supermodel pillow fights and fall on top of each other making huge piles of supermodel? That would be fun to see.
You say you want to come here and maybe just be friends. I'm picking up mixed messages here. Your email is titled "kiss" which to me implies kissing, you know, with mouths. And then you say you'd like to just be friends. In previous emails you sent pictures of yourself without clothes on, and here you have a picture titled "I like it" which is you looking at a statue's naked penis. And I obviously cast myself in the statue's role when looking at that picture (it would be silly for me to think of myself as yourself, because I'm not a girl), and you looking at that penis and saying "I like it", I think of you looking at my penis and saying "I like it". Which makes me think you might like my penis. But then you suggest we just be friends.
Well maybe we will just be friends.
In your next email be sure to tell me who your favorite comic book character is.
And tell me if you like ribbed or lubed better.


These are all form letters, I know, but I wonder when they'll stop being form letters and a real person will really write me a letter. Also, I wonder what they want.
date Thu, Jul 29, 2010 at 3:08 AM
subject For you

Hello dear there are any problems with Internet connection and i do hope you got my yesterday letter!
and I resend my letter I have sent I sent one letters and I do hope you got both!
I thought I will send you few more pics of myself...
How I know you little more and I will cross my fingers I'm not wrong in doing this and
I will make a show of trust and send you my naked pic to you hoping it will be for your eyes
only and you will not show it to someone.
I was not comfortable to pose for such pic and I tried to smile, I think the pic is nice.
I just wanted to show you how my body looks like... and that's all.
Maybe I shouldn't do this but I will click "send" button and close my eyes!
I hope you will be not mad on me because I sent this pic for you,
I'm a good girl, really!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't show my pic to anyone and please don't ask for any naked pics in different poses
or something like that. I'm a good girl and I'm not info taking naked photos!
I really apologizeif you think now I'm not a good girl...
I hope you don't think so.

Please let me know and I will write you more if I'm forgiven for
sending this pic!!!
And I'm sending one another pics!!!!
I hope you will answer this email and we will try to get to know each
other better!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAh!!!! I'm so ashamed to send this pic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm impatiently waiting for your answer!

Kiss Your Alyona


That one came in and I was away from home, so I didn't reply right away. But boy howdy did I want to. So she wrote me one more time before I had a chance to reply.
date Fri, Jul 30, 2010 at 1:34 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello again!How are you?I ` m just reterned from my work.
I was dancing on opening a cafe here. It was my last day at work,
everybody in my dance group told me so many warm words and wished me
luck in my trip! I told them about you and everybody said they will
cross one's fingers you are a good man and we will like each other! We
had some fun today and it was my last working day but now I feel
myself so sad. I will miss my work and girls from my work. I
almost cry now anyway I do not want to make any steps back and I
want to continue my arrangements.
I have some good news for you! After sending this email I will go home, take my
packed bags and go to Tomsk ! It is a nearest big city and
there is an airport. From there I will fly to Moscow! I ` m really afraid to
fly on a plane! I hope my plane will not fall down! I'm really afraid!
It is several hours from Tomsk to Moscow.
When I come to Moscow and settle down I will write you an email. I
hope tomorrow I will be able to write you.
In Moscow I will spend 2-3 days or maybe even less, I should make all
final arrangements with my documents and after it I will come to you!
I cannot wait I it wish to appear in your embraces
To me has dreamt today that I have arrived to you
And you began to kiss me about the lip beginning then a neck
You persistently press me to you directly, and take off from me a dress
Your hands slide on my hips, (I already now all burn)
We lay down on beds, and I feel you
Soon you will hear some news from me from Moscow!!!!!!!!

Love and kisses!
I hope that in some days I will be with you and I will be yours
These are my last photos I cannot send you a photo any more
because there will be in Moscow I have made them for you
You can send too to me your frank photos

I hope you me wait ???

qm r5ym.jpg

With some time to kill on Friday I wrote her back from Elysian Park from m'phone.
to ""
date Fri, Jul 30, 2010 at 2:22 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hi there Aimonya!
It is so good to hear from you again. I didn't write back to your last email (the one with the naughty pictures) but it wasn't because I wasn't thrilled to see them (I was), I just wasn't at home, so I didn't check on my emails until just now. I really enjoyed all of your pictures and look forward to a time when I can masturbate to them.
So you're going to Moscow? How fun! Do some awesome fun things while you're there. I think you should write a letter to the Kremlin and post it on the Kremlin. You should also see if there's anything fun to run through while you're there. Also maybe install a swing somewhere cool so the public has a good place to swing.
I'm glad you had fun on your last day at work. You said you "danced" at this place. Is that code for strip? Because here there are a lot of strippers who claim to be dancers. But that's not fair I think because I like to dance. But now that I think about it, I like to strip as well. So maybe that's a fine term. Sometimes I'll put on a little strip show for my cat Mr. Bubbles. Sometimes when I strip fir him he licks himself. I take that to mean he likes it.
I'm excited by the prospect that you may be coming here soon. Perhaps we can take turns "dancing" for Mr. Bubbles. We can make it a contest. We can see which of us "dances" better based on when and how vigorously he licks himself.
Also I like the photos you send this time. Even though you are less naked in these.
Do you have any supermodel friends in Moscow? Is there a supermodel guild or something? Do you guys have clubhouses where traveling supermodels like yourself can stay? And do these clubhouses have several rooms? Or do you all share a room? A giant room with one big bed, where you all strip down to your supermodel lingerie and get up to all kinds of whacky shenanigans?
I wish you well on your travels. Mr. Bubbles and I will await your arrival sitting out on the balcony watching the waves roll in. I look forward to your next email and your next four photos.


Later that night I got a response (that was quick).
date Sat, Jul 31, 2010 at 1:11 AM
subject Big kiss

Hello my honey!!! I'm in Moscow!
I so am glad that I begin a new life
I still cannot believe I've done it! WoW! As I wrote you I was scared
to fly on the plane but everything was OK and I'm still alive))))
Moscow is a really big city! I've been told the population of Moscow
is about 10 million of people! From the Airport I went by bus it
was so long WAY - about 1 hour and 30 minutes. I've seen so many nice places in Moscow while going by bus!
I think that's really good I've met you!
I can write you about everything.
By, the way, one thing else about my trip. Agency will help me to rent a room
to stay near my future work in your area. I will share this room with a few girls yet,
it is usual procedure and it helps to pay the rent (it will be cheaper).
And I have a question,
is it normal if we will like each other may be it is possible to live together? of course if you
or somebody does not mind. Do you have a big wide bed? Because I want spends evening and nights with you
I wish to have with you the most mad nights and to embody all and your sexual imaginations
I very much adore sex I without complexes so I hope you awake me to wait
I will arrive by Work visa, so I won ` t have
any problems with law while I will be working.
I think I will be able to improve my english and you can learn Russian and I think
it will help us to learn each other better, who knows.
Unfortunately I have no more photo and I can not send you them
But I want that you have sent me your naked photos
I wish you to see and dream of you every night
Please write me as soon as possible! See you soon! Great kiss from moscow!!

Your Evgeniya

This and the last came back to back, I was away from the computer and didn't feel like composing a clever response on my phone, so I just figured I'd wait until I got home. But this sexy little Russian minx was very impatient.
date Sat, Jul 31, 2010 at 9:17 AM
subject Kiss

Hello my sweet!!! How are you? Today I had a wonderful dream, that we
finally meet, I feel myself like the happiest girl in the world!!!
You know, I feel myself so alone here in Moscow, everyone rush somewhere and I don ` t
know anybody here. Today I was in a travel agency, all my documents are ready.
They will check a possible flight to your airport.
They will give me all information (date and time of my arrival, terminal
tomorrow I think.
I bought few pieces of souvenirs for you, all day I was looking for
Moscow sightseeings and souvenir shops. I'm sure you will like them!
Also I was in shop and have bought Erotic underwear, I hope you it estimate
In which I will be in ours with you the first night, it very sexual
message!!!! Yours sexy Alyona

date Sat, Jul 31, 2010 at 9:45 AM
subject Re: Big kiss

Hey Evgenital!
I'm so glad you made it to Moscow. Do me a favor and say hi to Mikhail Baryshnikov for me, OK? Thanks.
I get the feeling you want to spend some time in my bed when you get to my beautiful city. That's OK. But usually Mr. Bubbles gets first dibs on the other side of the bed. I guess you'll just have to fight for it. But I warn you now, Mr. Bubbles is very sharp when he wants to be.
I am looking forward to seeing you in your new sexy lingerie, will you be wearing it when we meet? I hope so. I think I'm really going to like you. A lot. Did you know my three favorite things in the whole world are supermodels, lingerie and broken English? Well, I also really like boobs, but you can put your boobs in your lingerie and then we'll all be happy.
So here's a funny story: yesterday I was watching a Maria Conchita Alonso film marathon (starting of course with Running Man, followed by Predator 2, and then Vampire's Kiss and I ended with Moscow On The Hudson), and I didn't even get the connection until I was halfway through the movie, when Mr. Bubbles jumped on my lap and stared at the screen, I thought he was trying to tell me something, so I paid close attention and realized that Moscow On The Hudson is about a Russian who has a hard time adjusting in America, and I realized you're going to be just like Robin Williams (which I guess means I'm going to be just like Maria Conchita Alonso). I wonder how similar you're going to be. I wonder if you're going to grow a big beard before coming here. I think your new sexy supermodel lingerie might look funny if you had as much hair as Robin Williams does. And then, when I started thinking about it, I couldn't get the image of you covered in a Robin Williams amount of hair, and it freaked me out a little bit. I then had to immediately get out my laptop computer and bring up the pictures of you that you sent me so that I could remember that you don't have as much hair as Robin Williams does. And then I got stuck looking at the pictures of you where you're naked, which got me aroused, and so I decided to take care of myself and knock one out, which I did, but the problem was that Moscow On The Hudson was still on, which made me feel even more weird, because I couldn't tell if I was furiously masturbating to you or to Robin Williams. Mr. Bubbles was confused ass well. And I admit it must have looked strange, for the giant TV to be on, and my laptop computer on my lap and me masturbating like a madman while sobbing hysterically. He's not used to that sort of thing, and frankly neither am I.
I cannot wait to see what kind of strange and interesting curios you bought me in Moscow.
Also, I have a big painful pimple on my back and I can't reach it and Mr. Bubbles likes to pretend he doesn't understand me when I ask him to do things for me, the ungrateful little rascal! Would you mind popping it for me? Thanks.

Sent from my JesusPhone

Finally, the hook:
date Sun, Aug 1, 2010 at 12:04 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

>TRAVEL INFO : Alyona Mouravyowa
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> © Travel Agency Cleopatra .

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> TRAVEL INFO :Alyona Mouravyowa - private tour.(work visa)

> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Travel dates for: Ms. Alyona Mouravyowa
> Please label the inside and outside of each piece of baggage to
> be checked in with your name and where possible your address.
> Suitable baggage labels and
> stickers are available free of charge. In advance of your journey.
> please note the current free baggage allowance included in your
> ticket price. You can find this information in the internet or via
> your Airline contact
> person. In case you booked a special fare please note that it can
> be subject to restrictions. Travel Abroad: When preparing to travel
> abroad for less than 5 months,
> it is important to ensure entry to another country . Depending on
> the country to be visited and the student's nationality, it may be
> necessary to apply for a
> visitor visa.The student must have: a valid passport or travel document, valid
>visa .
> Furthermore, page 4 must be signed by the RO. No special
> permission is needed, but it is important to have a valid
> passport,valid visa and all travel documents.

> Thank you for your booking and have a pleasant journey. Kind regards."Cleopatra" is a licensed and
> officially registered travel agency.
> Travel agency Cleopatra.
> Our goal is to provide quality services for group and individual travelers.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Please use our service .Managers: Ms.Irina Gaydushnyak
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>The nearest possible flight is -August 4,2010.From Moscow
>Sheremetyevo Inter Airport.

>Price: foreign passport,visa,tax,consulate fee,ticket Eco.class.USD 1290.00+
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>This reservation will be automatically cancelled if the order is not
>purchased until August 3, 2010.

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First the teaser (above), and now comes the real hook:
date Sun, Aug 1, 2010 at 12:06 AM
subject Hi my darling

Hey my love, I have got all the info and resend to you,
you see I am after visit to consulate and agency and I am so happy to say that
we will meet in a few days!!!!
I am really lucky girl to meet you. Honey the thing is that I booked nearest possible flight
But I had a problem that money which I took with itself does not suffice to pay the ticket
To me it is very awful that at me so it has turned out with the ticket
I did not think that so awakes I all would give to depart to you
But me it is simple there is nobody to ask about the help
I do not have not enough money for ticket purchase to you you could not help me???
I will give all to you, I have called mum it very much was upset
But unfortunately it does not have money to help
I was in the bank to try to ask them about loan but they tell
I have to have something to stay them
and I have nothing to stay because I have only a few
dress and things, some perfume and it is all I have, and small gift for you from russia with love.
I even think that maybe it will give you the pleasure to help me
because you are my knight, rught?
I have about 300$ my own money and
I need about 990$ from your side, because I have to pay for ticket and a
few thigs yet, and I have to pay in advance about 1290$ and if the tickets will
cost less i will get some money back.
- name of the bank wester union -
Varshavskoe Shosse, 95, Korpus 1
Moscow, 117556

P.S. I`m so sorry I asked you for such help, but you see you are my last hope and
now my only wish is to meet you. I want to start a new life and I`m
sure we can spend so many happy days and probably nights together!
Please try to help me with the sum and in one month I will return you
money back!!


Good, good. I got the obligatory passport photo. Now we can get started with the real fucking with this scammer. Although, as a side note, I wonder who Alyona Mouravyowa really is. Did somebody steal all of her stuff? Is she in on the scam? Well, whatever her fate, I have some correspondence with a scammer to get back to:
to ""
date Sun, Aug 1, 2010 at 1:55 AM
subject Re: Hi my darling

Hello Allonya my darling.
I got both of your emails and it seems like you don't have enough money for your plane ticket to come see me. If I were the judgmental sort, I'd say you had very poor planning for this particular trip. If I were planning a trip of this magnitude, I would have done a little planning and research and saving. So I guess it's a good thing I'm not the judgmental sort. So I'd be happy to help you out in any way I can. I called the number you gave me, but there are too many numbers, it starts ringing even before I finish dialing.
But here's a thought: maybe you could ask some of your supermodel friends if they could help you out.
Mr. Bubbles and I were just watching this crazy game show we have here in America where people have to go through these whacky obstacles and I told Mr. Bubbles that it reminded me of you and all of the crazy obstacles you are having to go through to get to America.
I can't wait for you to be here so you can walk on the beach with me and pet my kitty.

Sent from my JesusPhone

Seemingly unperturbed by my inane response and general (apparent) stupidity, she continues.
date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 12:31 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Dear Lincoln, I do not wish to speak you farewell a word!
It - very much pity to me which, thus all has appeared with money!
But without your help I cannot arrive to you.
Mum has given me almost all money, that I would arrange to me directly this travel.
But I do not want again loneliness. I do not wish to come back home.
I do not wish to remain in Moscow. I do not want anybody except for you.
After explosion in Moscow the dream here to leave awful even in the street
First of all I wish to continue travel! Only help me with a trip!
I will necessarily come back to you of money as soon as I will receive the first income!
I want to you! I want, that you have surrounded me with tenderness, a heat, care.
I wish to think tomorrow with confidence. I want, that you always were With me.
I wish to fall asleep and wake up with idea concerning you (and it is better in your embraces).
I wish to be assured, that is necessary for you everywhere and always, from time to time.
I wish to look simply in your eyes. I want, that your warm breath has warmed to me hands.
I want, that you loved me. I wish to sit down in the plane and to leave to you
Thanks for your letters and warm words!
I wait from you for good news! I on former hope of your help!

Kiss Your Alyona

Excellent. Here is where I attempt to stretch out our transaction and see how far I can push this.
date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 1:46 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hi Allah.
I'm so saddened to hear about your money problems and poor planning skills. I am also saddened that I won't see you as soon as I had hoped. There just isn't enough sexy Russian supermodel love in my life right now. I was really looking forward to getting some more sexy Russian supermodel lovin'.
As far as extra money to help you to get to America (fuck yeah!), I'd be happy to help you out. I just need to know what to do.
But I have been brainstorming some ideas to get you some money. Here are just a few of them: 1) Get hired by a famous photographer to shoot pictures of you to put on the cover of Maxim or Sports Illustrated or Leg Show. 2) Rob a casino. 3) Seduce a very old rich man into marrying you, and then when he dies, collect on your inheritance. c) Sell a screenplay to Hollywood. 6) Busk on the street using any one of various skills like juggling chainsaws or contortionism or fire breathing or breakdancing. d) Selling superfluous organs. 69) Sell your body for sex. j) Breed chinchillas.
Let me know if any of my ideas work for you.
Also could you tell me how to find Mars in the night sky?

Sent from my JesusPhone

Then I get some (bad) news.
date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 10:50 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello my dear
How you do?
Now I am in a condition of influence which I cannot fly to you
It is a pity to me, that, thus all has appeared
With money, but without your help I cannot arrive to you.
My mum has not now money,
It has given me not which money to this trip,
But it is insufficiently many of them.
If you cannot help me with purchase of the ticket to you, I should come back
To itself home the day after tomorrow

She's ramping up her game. OK. Two can play that game.
date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 11:35 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Why hello there Yomama.
I understand that you're under a bit of a time crunch right now, but you have to understand that I don't work very well under pressure. One time a fire alarm went off in my office building and even though I knew there was going to be a fire drill that morning at 11:00am and in fact had written the memo and sent it out to all of my employees, and had even posted notices of the upcoming fire drill all over the office, when that alarm went off at 11:00am, I fell prostrate to the ground, and curled up into the fetal position under my desk. I was unable to move or take action of any kind. The volunteer rescue workers in the building had to put me on a stretcher and carry me out. So I'm just saying, putting me under the pressure that you're under probably isn't the best idea ever.
I would very much like to help you out by getting here to America so that I can have my very own dirty little Russian supermodel, but I just don't know how to help you out here. Tell me what to do to help you. Help me help you. I would love to get all of the necessary cash money dollars and just give it to you, but you're so far away from me. If you were here next to me I would just hand you the cash money dollars, but if you were standing right here next to me, you wouldn't need the cash money dollars because you'd already be here, and the reason for me to give you cash money dollars is so that you can be here next to me, so I can have my very own dirty little Russian supermodel. Do you see the conundrum I'm in? This is like in that book Catch 22.
Mr. Bubbles was just crying in the other room. It could be because I haven't fed him this morning yet, but I think it's actually because he senses the predicament you (and I) are in.

date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 9:41 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello my sweet Lincoln,I`m so dissapointed, I don`t know what to do.
I sold my gold earrings and my gold braslet and a chain, so now I need 520 dollars to
complete my trip.
I thought that I will never ask you for such help, but I don`t have another way
Lincoln,I do hope to get your letter with words that you will help me
because if not I have to cancel all travel preparations and collect things to go
home.I can't imagine I am at home again,without any result and just
lost all the money I had before,wow,they will kill me.I mean my
mother because I took all the money we had because we
thought that I will meet right man and I have had so many plans
and dreams. Now I see i have met this man!
Honey please take me from here,I will work hard to earn money
and I am sure I will be able to return all your money and return your
kindness because you are so kind to me. My poor english is problem to
express all my feelings I only hope that you can read between words
and I very much hope that we will meet each other on Friday
Please answer me, I don`t know what to do. I kiss you Alyona

date Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 10:20 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Bienvenidos Llama
I want to help you. I want to help you very much. But I don't know how. I don't know how to help you. This is just like that time I saw that man get hit by lightning. Have you ever seen somebody hit by lightning? Well, it's not pretty. They get burnt pretty bad and they smell like burning. Well, the man I saw who had been hit by lightning was still alive afterwards, but he was in desperate need off help. And he was asking me for help. I was the only one around and he kept asking me to help him. But the thing is, as much as I wanted to help him, I didn't know how. I have no medical training, and I didn't know if touching him would help or hurt him, so I had to stand there and do nothing. I feel like that right now. I just don't know how to help you. I would love to give you money if I just could figure out how to do it. I would also give you sexy supermodel lingerie too if I could (because I know how much you like sexy supermodel lingerie). Tell me how to help you.
Have you ever seen the movie White Nights? I have. It's pretty good. You should see it.
Hey, would you like to watch movies in bed with me? You could wear sexy supermodel lingerie and we could enjoy film greatness. I will make a list of Russian themed film that we can watch for when you get here.
Also I am supposed to take this medicine my doctor gave me to stop this skin condition, but I forgot when and how often I'm supposed to take it. Do you know how often I should take it? And do I take it before a meal, or after?

date Wed, Aug 4, 2010 at 12:14 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I very much try to depart to you
I needed to find very few money
I simply have nothing to sell more
I will give you this money only help me to depart to you

date Wed, Aug 4, 2010 at 10:48 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

My dearest Lonely,
I feel like I am on a broken Merry-Go-Round.
Let me try to make this as clear as my plate glass window over looking the mighty Pacific Ocean: Let us suppose that I had enough cash money dollars to help you get your Russian supermodel butt over here to the land of the free. How would I get all of these cash money dollars to you?
Should I travel to Russia and pick you up? Bring you home like you were cute supermodel luggage? Should you come here and get it from me? In case you do come here to pick up my cash money dollars, I have put all of it in a large manilla envelope with your name on it and put it under the door-mat. You can come pick it up anytime. But please don't tell any of your other supermodel friends about it, OK? That cash money is for you and you only.
Let me know when you have the cash money dollars and when I will see you.
Also, do you know how to skip stones on water?

date Thu, Aug 5, 2010 at 12:38 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Unfortunately I can receive money only through the Western Union or Moneygram under my passport
I have no bank account and I can not open it here!!

date Thu, Aug 5, 2010 at 1:32 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Oh, my sultry little Russian supermodel!
I despair!
If you can not open it there, where can you open it? Is there some other place I can mail it to you? I have a huge stack of cash money dollars in a large envelope with your name on it. Just tell me where to put it!

date Thu, Aug 5, 2010 at 11:48 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Why you cannot send it through the western union

date Thu, Aug 5, 2010 at 9:07 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I don't know what Western Onion is. Is that a restaurant? Are they Russian? Is it a cover for some nefarious dealings? I want you here beside me more than I want Mr. Bubbles to stop pretending he doesn't understand what I say when I talk to him. By the way, when I told Mr. Bubbles that a beautiful horny Russian supermodel was going to be coming to visit, he licked his anus. I think that means he approves.

Without a response for a couple days, I wrote to her again, to see if I could rekindle the fire in our relationship.
date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 3:03 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello, my saucy little Russian supermodel.
I have not heard from you in several days. Have you forsaken me?
Why won't you tell me how to get all of this money I have into your tiny, delicate, supermodel hands?
I want to help you, I want to hold you, I want reach out across the vast ocean that divides us and touch you in the special way that special friends touch each other. Why won't you let me help you? I feel so helpless sitting here alone in my beach house not being able to help you. I've been watching sad movies with Mr. Bubbles these past few days crying to myself and thinking of you, my spicy hot tamale.

date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 9:41 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I so am glad to receive the letter from you, in me, even heart strongly knocks
I thought, that you have forgotten about me, Or do not wish to help me
I can receive money transfer in any bank of Moscow under my passport

date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 10:12 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Wow. It is so good to hear from you Aljazeera.
I very much want you and your super-hot supermodel body here with me right now.
So I have to go to a bank in Moscow with your passport? Should you mail me your passport, or should I come get it from you?
Also, my friend tells me that Russian ladies are crazy, is that true?

date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 10:54 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me


date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 11:47 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hi there Alice.
You just sent me a picture of your passport. How will this help me? I have my own passport. Besides, I think if I used yours they'd be able to tell that I'm not a beautiful russian supermodel straight away. Plus the fact that it would be a single sheet of paper that I've printed from my inkjet printer here in my home office. I don't think I'd be able to fool anybody with that passport. I doubt I could even get into a sleazy bar with that.

date Mon, Aug 9, 2010 at 11:13 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

If you awake to do transfer, in bank my data can demand

date Tue, Aug 10, 2010 at 8:36 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hi Kim.
Your last email was too short and confusing for me to understand. "If you awake", if I awake when? What day? What time? There is not enough information there. "to do transfer", what transfer? To where? To who? How? Where do I go to make this transfer? What are we transfering? So confusing. "in bank my data can demand", OK, there is so much wrong with this sentence. I'm going to skip the bad English and grammar and focus on the content. "in my bank", what bank? Where? Are you still in Moscow? DO you have a bank there? If so, what's it called? Are you back in Asino? You said you couldn't stay in Moscow for very long, is this bank you speak of in Asino? I'm pretty confused on this whole bank front. How will I know it when I see it? "my data" what data? Do you have data I don't know about? Is this important data? Is this data on a portable drive of some kind? Is it secret? Would men kill for this data? Or do you have an android who primarily works as the Chief Operations Officer aboard the starship Enterprise? "can demand" demand what? What are your demands? And how demanding are those demands? You see there is a lot of information that is rather confusing and/or unclear. I'm going to need some clarification on some of these issues before I can take any action.

Also, if you're writing such short, cryptic impossible to understand emails now because I made that crack about Russian girls being crazy, don't worry. I love crazy girls. I work with actors all day long. If I had a girl that wasn't crazy, I wouldn't know what to do with her. So crazy is a good thing. You don't have to be mad anymore. Turn that frown upside down. I still love you baby, I didn't mean to hit you, Ike still loves you.

date Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 12:40 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I thought that you will help me
Therefore I also have sent you the passport
I do not know, that it to me does
You my unique hope
I do not wish to come back home
I want to you
In me the finished money for payment of my room of time
I think that I shall go to buy the ticket home

date Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 2:49 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hi there Al Green
I am confused as to why you keep not telling me how to help you. Do you actually want my help? Or is this whole relationship you have with me just concocted to upset and confuse me for your amusement? Do you care about my feelings at all? Are you even really intending to come here to my home, and share my big bed overlooking the ocean? Are you even really a supermodel? Or is it all just a lie? Did you send me those pictures of yourself with your breasts exposed merely as a ploy to win not only my heart, but my lust?

You say you sent me your passport. You have not done that. All I have is a picture of your passport. Just like you have only sent me pictures of yourself. Do you not understand that pictures of you are not really you? Just like a picture of a passport is not really a passport? I can no better travel with a picture of your passport than I can make love to a picture of you (although I have tried).

Are you going back home to Asimo the crazy scary place where evil menacing robots are from? Please don't go back there. I fear for your safety. Don't trust the robots! Don't trust the robots! They say they're benign and helpful, but wait until Miles Bennett Dyson makes that horrible horrible chip of his. Then you'll see how trustworthy robots are. You'll see then that you were wrong to ever believe their lies.

date Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 10:34 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I do not have money to depart to you
You can help me with money that I have paid flight???

date Thu, Aug 12, 2010 at 11:56 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Oh. Hi there Alfonse
I understand that you do not have enough money to get all the way to me. How much do you have? How close to me can you get? Do you want me to meet you halfway? Can you get to some South Pacific island? If you can, maybe I can meet you there and we can fashion a small sea-faring vessel out of locally harvested materials and sail to my home which is overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I have been meaning to do that anyways. As long as you can get to an island that is more than a mile away. That way it'll count towards a project I'm working on.

You mention that you need more money than you have, but you don't tell me how much more you need or how to get it to you. Are you playing games with me? Russian supermodel games of which I know nothing about? All I know is that if I wanted to get out of my country and away from the evil robots, and I was relying on the trust and cooperation of an articulate handsome generous fellow, I'd give that handsome man all of the information he needed as soon as he asked for it. I wouldn't be playing any supermodel games.

So I have a problem maybe you can help me out with. I have this itch on my back that feels like a sunburn, but it's been there for weeks. Do you know what it is? How do I get rid of it?

date Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 4:42 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

You probably badly read my letters
I sold my gold earrings and my gold braslet and a chain,
so now I need 520 dollars to complete my trip.

date Fri, Aug 13, 2010 at 9:32 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Good morning All-star
You're right, it is completely possible that I badly read your letters. It's also possible that you may have badly written them. We'll let history decide who was being obtuse in their writing.
OK, great, now I know that you need exactly $520 cash money dollars to get everything you need to get your supermodel ass into my warm bed. This is great news. I just happen to have $520 cash money dollars right here in my lap. It's all one dollar bills (I keep most of my money in one dollar bills, because you never know when you'll get the sudden urge to go to a strip club), is that going to be a problem?
Wait a minute. I just thought of something. I don't know the exchange rate from American money dollars to Russian whatever you people spend over there. Rupees? How do I convert it? I very much want to help you out. I will go in search of ways to make my money more like your money so that it can be useful to you.
Also, you had a ticket and trip all planned from some travel agency. But the dates for the trip have passed. Do you still have a plan? Have the dates changed? What are you doing in Moscow? Do you have a place to stay? Are you shacking up with other supermodels? Is that fun? Any pillow fights? Do you share lingerie? How's the weather? Have you gone for any walks? Sat in a park? Are there dogs running through the park? Are there dogs in Russia? What kind of pets do they have there? Anxiously awaiting your answers to these questions.

date Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 10:06 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I in Moscow that I do not do, I here whom I do not know
Yes, flight date has changed, as soon as I will mourn over flight,
At me awakes the ticket for a next flight
I and one more girl rented a room in apartment here again we live
But payment for a room comes to an end,
I do not know that to me to do further
To go home or you to me will help with money???

date Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 9:02 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hey Allnew
It's good to hear that you're still in Moscow. Don't go back to the killer robots, no matter what happens. Is the girl you're staying with a supermodel too? Is she hot? How would you describe her? Is she from Moscow? Is she planing on coming to America too? What's her name? Does she have enough money for her ticket? Did she think about things like money and travel costs and responsibility before she left her home to try to go on some sketchy trip based on a half-cocked idea to meet some guy that she's never met in a place she's never been to or knows anything about? I wonder if she'd be interested in meeting me. Do you think you could pass my information along to her in case you can't pull your shit together in time to make it here to my big brass bed? Also, could you take a picture of her and send it to me?

Also, where are you staying in Moscow? I have never been there, but it's my understanding that it's a pretty big place. I'd hate to send you all of this cash money dollars to "hot supermodel lady I met on the internet c/o Moscow". Or if you think a package with that label would make it to you, that's what I'll do. Or, like I said, it's still sitting under my front welcome mat, so you can come pick it up any time you want.

ps when you take a picture of your hot supermodel friend to send to me, the less clothing she has on the better.

Scamming and counter-scamming is a tricky business. All it takes is for one person to get bored or to suspect the other person is up to something and the whole thing comes crumbling down.

This last email went unanswered. But I decided to try to rehook the line so to speak a few days later.

This is the end of part one. You can read part two in the comments below.
Here’s a handy pro-tip: praxis on SFØ can only contain 64,000 characters.
So to get twice as much room out of this praxis (because our correspondence was just that long), I had to break it into two parts. Read the exciting conclusion below!

+ larger

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New year 2010.jpg
mq 5.jpg
I like it.jpg
qm r5ym.jpg

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posted by Lincøln on August 22nd, 2010 12:03 PM

Part Two!

Not much further to go. We’re almost there. But now we’re getting to the good part.
(if you’re reading this before the task, then stop, go to the top and see how we got here)

Four days passed without word from her. I think she (I keep thinking of this scammer as a "her" for some reason, when in all likelyhood it isn't, and I know that, and yet, still call "her" "she") may have caught on to me. But to try to re-hook the line (again), I wrote another email:

date Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 10:48 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

OK, Albert. I can tell that you're upset with me. You haven't written in awhile and I think you may be angry because I asked you to take pictures of your supermodel roommate without her clothes on. But believe me baby, it is just because I like naked people. I also want pictures of you naked. But more than that I want you here with me. Naked. In my bed. Is that so wrong? You're the one that tempted me with pictures of your hot, naked supermodel body in me inbox. What was I supposed to do? Not want you? Please. I want you. I want you here. I want to help you get here. Tell me what I need to do to get you here in my bed. You say I need to use your passport to get this big envelope of cash money dollars to you, but I don't know how to do that. I fear that if I tried to travel with your passport that I would get into trouble, because I don't look very much like a hot Russian supermodel. I also checked out this Western Onion you keep mentioning, and I found them at but I don't think I understand how a California onion company is going to help you get into my bed. Are you planning on boarding one of their ships and sail to me? Because very prominently on their website, they mention that they do importing and exporting. I just assumed that what they imported and exported were onions and not hot Russian supermodels, but I may be wrong about that. Should I find a way to use their importing and exporting business to find a way to get you into my bed? I like the sound of that. I would feel like a spy. And I'd be getting you from Russia with love. With onions.

date Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 9:24 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Here is more info about Western Union. You find any local Western Union agent, go there and send money to my name.
Western Union will ask you for my full name and address in Moscow where I am staying at. Once you give them all the info they will initiate the transfer.
In just less than 10 minutes I will be able to pick the money up at any Western Union agent here in moscow.
You will send me transfer info and MTCN( money transfer control number )
I will get cash. So I will need your full name and your address + the control number of the transfer. (MTCN)

Success! Yay! Let’s see how far I can ride this out.
date Wed, Aug 18, 2010 at 9:53 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Oh! Western Union! Not Western Onion! OK. That makes much more sense.

First of all Anita, I'm glad you're still in Moscow. But this last email you sent was all business. Are you still mad at me? I don't want you to come here still being mad at me. What do I have to do for you to not be mad at me anymore? Do you want me to apologize? OK. Fine. I'm sorry I asked you to send me naked pictures of your hot Russian supermodel roommate. That was out of line. But actually, instead, how about you send me more hot naked pictures of yourself? You could get your supermodel roommate to take them. And if while she's taking them, she gets all excited and has to rip off her clothes and join you, I'd be OK with that.

And I'm going to go to Western UNION tomorrow and see if they can figure out a way to get this fat envelope full of American cash money dollars to you. I forgot how much cash money you need, so I just put one thousand cash money dollars in there. Is that OK? Maybe you can use the extra cash money dollars to get yourself some sexy Russian lingerie to put on your smoking hot Russian supermodel body.

date Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 8:53 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

hello my lovely
In the beginning of ours with you of attitudes I very much would like to glance to you in soul, to learn what you?
But the longer we corresponded, the more strongly to me was wished to shout for fear, to shout with happiness and to call to the aid.
To me the help from that condition in which was required plunged and plunge to this day.
I could not see myself and hear. I unconsciously understand that to me very well.
And that I test that is impossible to describe words is it is possible to feel only. All this, I would name love.
I thought of you two minutes and forgot on three hours. But gradually began to get used to you.
And now I have got in full dependence on you.
And now I think of you three hours and I forget on two minutes.
And such minutes I am ready on all for the sake of love.
I did not stop and I shall stop before what and who cannot overpersuade me to go back.
If the person though has drunk times an elixir of love to not get rid any more of it, it remains in blood.
And that I do all, I shall do, all reminds me of the love first a drop which has got in my blood together with you and your letters.
I very much wait from you for good news! To me it is very lonely in Moscow one. All grace of this city is even not interesting to me.

Kiss Your Alyona

date Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 4:11 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

OK, Anya,
First of all do you have a bunny suit? I'd love to see you wearing a giant white bunny suit. Speaking of bunnies, how do you feel about bunnies? Do you know what they need such good eyesight for anyway? My kitty cat Mr. Bubbles doesn't like bunnies at all.
I went to Western UNION today and I realized that I don't have your address to send money to you. By the way, did you know that they won't actually send my money to you? They have a service where they will take my money and then wherever you are in Moscow, they'll just give you new money that they just happened to have lying around over there. Isn't that crazy? Also, I need to find a way to exchange my American cash money dollars to Russian cash money dollars so that it will be useful to you. Stand by for updates on that front.
I'm so glad you wrote more about how you feel, and not just about the business of getting you here into my bed. Even though your English is terrible and reading it gave me a little bit of a headache, I could tell that you really love me. Which is good. And I can tell that your love is real, mostly because you used the word love five times. You also talked about being drunk on an elixir of love. Or I think that's what you were trying to say, your bad, broken English is very confusing for me.

date Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 9:09 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Money should not be changed for the Russian
I pay to agency dollars for flight

my rent address here is Moscow, Tverskaya 12-50.

date Thu, Aug 19, 2010 at 10:10 PM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I very strongly wish to be now near to you
To me so it is lonely
I probably will soon go mad of loneliness
I here absolutely whom I do not know
Even to talk there is nobody
It would be desirable to fall asleep these weeks that when I have woken up I already sat down in the plane and flied to you
It before so long
That gives the only thing to me of forces these are your letters
And hope that I will be with you.

date Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 12:46 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

OK, Alfalfa
I'm sorry you're so lonely. Well, someone told me yesterday that when you throw your love away, you act as if you just don't care. You look as if you're going somewhere. But I just can't convince myself, I couldn't live with no one else. And I can only play that part, and sit and nurse my broken heart. Now no one's knocked upon my door for a thousand years or more, all made up and nowhere to go. Welcome to this one man show. Just take a seat, they're always free, no surprise, no mystery. In this theater that I call my soul, I always play the starring role. So I know what it's like to be so lonely.
The address you gave me isn't an address at all. It's like foreign or something. I don't feel comfortable sending money to some address that doesn't make any sense.
Also, I don't understand why you haven't answered my questions about bunnies.
And what is your opinion of Goldie Hawn? Do you think she's as beautiful as I do? .

date Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 9:59 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I do not know that such Goldie Hawn
At me is not present bunny suit
If you do not wish to help me, tell to me.

date Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 10:42 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I want to help you so much. Because really, when you think about it, helping you is really helping me.
So I took my one thousand American cash money dollars to a place that does money exchange so that it can become useful to you, and there was some kind of mix-up. Somehow, when I exchanged my one thousand American cash money dollars I got back six Russian cash money rubles. Six! I don't know how this is possible or how it happened, but I think I'm just going to mail your money to you, because this business of exchanging and instant transferring is all weird and confusing to me. But putting an envelope of cash money dollars into the mail is very real and tactile and I understand it. So explain to me what your address is and I'll get your money to you.
I am saddened that you do not have a bunny suit. Perhaps I'll go and buy one for you for when you get here. You like bunnies right? You'd wear a bunny suit if I got one for you, right? My cat Mr. Bubbles would likely not like you if you were wearing a bunny suit, but that's his problem. .

date Sat, Aug 21, 2010 at 9:52 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

I have taken the ticket, but only home
Tomorrow I leave for 2 one o'clock in the afternoon
I do not find what other output
I love you, I all the night long cried that I can not be with you
Farewell, I can not write more, at me again some tear.

date Sat, Aug 21, 2010 at 11:21 AM
subject Re: Hi it's me

Hello Alone,
This is the saddest news I have ever heard. I guess that old cliché is correct, sometimes love just isn't enough.
So you're going back to the robots?
I was planning on flying out to Moscow and meeting you there (and also seeing some of the marvelous Russian things that must be there), so we could be together and then you could fly home with me. It would have been a great way to avoid all of these people (like Western Union) getting in the way of us being together. But I guess now my dreams of having a Russian supermodel in my bed are crushed because as much as I love you, I will not fight robots to get your love back. I'm not Kyle Reese after all.
Now I don't know what I'm going to do with this bunny suit I bought for you.
If you need me for anything, I'll be on the beach with Mr. Bubbles watching the dolphins and crying my misery away.
Do you think your roommate likes handsome American men who live alone in modest homes overlooking the ocean with their cats? If so, don't be shy about giving my information to her.
I do not know what I'm going to do without you in my life anymore. I guess maybe I'll make due playing I game I have found that takes my sad away and replaces it with amazing. If you're as sad as I am, maybe you can go to and enjoy the awesome too. .

Brilliant. I knew that was the end. I knew she was fed up with me. She was working after all. She couldn’t waste her time on a client that wasn’t going to pay off. She either 1) thought I was scam-baiting her or 2) thought I was an idiot and was incapable of coming through with any money.
Either way. It was fun while it lasted. I hope you had fun reading it. Because I had a fucking blast writing it this past month.

(no subject)
posted by Darkaardvark on August 22nd, 2010 12:15 PM

Were all the linesbreaks in her emails like that originally? Cause it all strikes me as very poetic, like if you took some teenager's angsty love poem and then translated it to Chinese and back a couple times. Good stuff.

(no subject)
posted by Lincøln on August 22nd, 2010 12:19 PM

All of the linebreaks are exactly as "she" wrote them. As are mine.

(no subject)
posted by Minimal Space on August 22nd, 2010 2:25 PM

Wow, that was amazing.

Good job on that one. I need to work in some of her phrases into everyday life. "I very much would like to glance to you in soul." That's just great, why would you not tell someone that. :)

(no subject) +3
posted by Grammar Police on August 22nd, 2010 2:43 PM

We have been inactive for quite some time, but this praxis reminded us of our mission.
Of course we do not blame you for the inaccuracies here, sir, as you are merely quoting someone else.

(no subject) +1
posted by Kate Saturday on August 24th, 2010 3:01 AM

i love how her English dissolves over the course of the correspondence. toward the end it is like a rorschach blot of love.

(no subject)
posted by Dela Dejavoo on August 25th, 2010 4:50 PM

That was a very enjoyable read.

(no subject)
posted by Picø ҉ ØwO on August 26th, 2010 9:42 AM

I like how she's perfectly fluent when she's giving money transfer instructions.

(no subject)
posted by teucer on August 26th, 2010 12:22 PM

I put off reading this because I knew it was dauntingly long.

Just read it. Anyone who hasn't done so yet: read it. It's worth it.

(no subject)
posted by Juniper Homolko on January 7th, 2011 10:08 PM

Holy smarts, the bounties of patience.

(no subject) +1
posted by Lincøln on January 7th, 2011 10:10 PM

Sometimes it pays off.

(no subject)
posted by APR dreamlands on January 7th, 2011 11:16 PM

Hrm, I could have sworn I voted for this earlier. Anyways, this was quite the read, and well worth the time spent to do so.