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Saucy Tales by Lincøln

February 3rd, 2010 4:15 PM / Location: 34.251354,-118.3570

INSTRUCTIONS: Every ancient condiment in the back of your fridge is a tale of neglect and abandonment. Tell us yours.

As some of you may or may not know. I built my own place. But I did not build it on my own property, therefore it isn't very big. It's just big enough for me and a little bit of stuff. I have three file cabinets full of comic books and many milk crates as well, that takes up most of the free space I have, My bed, bookshelves and clothes take up the rest. So I have one of those tiny college room fridges. And a hot plate that I cook on. The point being that there isn't much extra stuff in my fridge, when it's fully stocked, there isn't much room in there for much stuff I don't use, but that being said, there are three items in there currently that have tales to tell. So let's get to them.

Item #1:
Old wheatpaste in a tupperware container.
The first batch of wheatpaste I made, I put the stuff I would use that night into a ziplock freezer bag so I could put it in my pocket. So it would be easier to be stealthy with it. The excess I put in a tupperware container. the tupperware went on my desk, and the ziplock stayed in my pocket. When next I went to use my wheatpaste (a week later), I found that the ziplock bag that was in my coat pocket had opened somehowOld wheatpaste and had spilled out. What I didn't realize would happen is that it spoiled. It was a big mess and did not smell very good at all. So instead of using the pocket approach, I brought the tupperware with me instead. When I opened the tupperware for use later that night, it too had gone a bit bad. But I still used it. But when I was done with it, I threw it all away and cleaned out the tupperware, when I made my next batch of wheatpaste I made a smaller batch and no ziplocks. When I was done with it this time, rather than put it on my desk to spoil, I put it in my fridge to await its next use. See how it kind of separated down at the bottom? I haven't opened the container since I put it in the fridge, so I don't know if it has turned or not. I hope not. But I'm not going to open it and find out until next I need wheatpaste. Neglected.

Item #2:
Frozen banana.
I eat on average a banana a day. Sometimes more. I also travel and spend lots of time away from home. SO a balance of keeping fresh bananas is difficult. I have a nail where I hang my fresh bunch when I get one. But one week I left home and unexpectedly didn't return for a couple weeks, what I found when I got Frozen bananahome was a bunch of black mushy bananas. Now not many people like to eat the sickeningly sweet mushy banana in this state, but I also hate to throw away food. So I came up with the idea of freezing them to make them solid once more. Which worked! I was able to eat frozen bananas in the summer when it was hot, which was awesome. I also found out my brother does the same thing and puts the bananas into smoothies. Another great idea. For some reason I ate all of my frozen bananas but one. I think it was because before getting to the last one, I went and replenished my supply of fresh bananas. I was able to eat fresh ones, so I spurned the frozen one. And then I went away for the rest of the year, and then it was winter, and now it's been in there for about a year. Abandoned.

Item #3:
Bad mayo.
There's a funny story to this one. I like ice cream, or rather soy ice cream or sorbet (not a big fan of the dairy, see). First of all, I can only buy the tiny pints, for two reasons; one, because anything bigger won't fit into my tiny fridge, and second of all, my freezer doesn't get quite cold enough to keep ice cream frozen. So I have to pretty much eat a whole pint at a time fresh from the store every time I want ice cream. Yes I know how muchUnfrozen mayo that sucks. So because it sucks so much, one time I decided to decrease the temperature in the fridge enough to keep the ice cream frozen, the problem is that the boundary between freezer and main fridge compartment isn't really that good. So when I lowered the temperature in the freezer, everything got colder, cold enough to freeze my mayo and bread and eggs. No problem with the eggs and bread, because I cook those things before eating them. But the mayo. Well, the mayo didn't come back from being frozen very well. It separated and got all weird and oily. And I don't know why I haven't thrown it away yet, probably because I hate to throw any food away. I hate to waste. But this weirdly separated mayo has been sitting in my fridge for a very long time. Neglected and abandoned.

But that's not the best story about neglected and abandoned items in my fridge. But this last item I don't have a picture for, because it's gone now, but in its place I have this story:

Item #4:
Take out sized condiment packets.
A few weeks ago I noticed some of those take out sized packets of ketchup and soy sauce in my butter dish in the fridge, I don't know where they came from as I don't use or save ketchup or soy sauce. So I was a little bit weirded out by their presence. I grabbed them all up and put them in a plastic grocery bag. From Ralph's I think. And I took them outside to throw them away. Now it should be noted here that I live kinda in the woods. I live in a horse community where everybody has a horse and the properties are huge and we hear coyotes all the time. And every time I open my door to go outside (especially at night) there is a good chance there will be wildlife right outside my door. Usually it's rabbits, but sometimes there are skunks or raccoons. So when I heard a noise to my left as I was walking to the trash cans, I wasn't startled or anything, just curious. I turn to look to see what it is when a young lady rushes out of nowhere wearing a floral sundress. She looks a little panicked, but her hair is perfect. She begs me to come and help her out, and although I hadn't thrown my condiments away yet, I could tell she was desperate, so I followed her. She took my hand and led me up a hill, over the back fence on the back of my property, over some rocks and up to the top of this little mountain I had never been up before. We get up to the top and the land just ended abruptly at a sheer cliff and below was a beautiful sparkling pool of water. Before I could comment on it, she jumped over the cliff while still holding my hand. I fell through the air behind this amazing woman and I thought for a moment before hitting the water that it hadn't been twenty minutes since last I ate. But that fleeting thought was cut short by me being underwater. I swam for the surface and realized that I was no longer holding the hand of the young lady. When I surfaced, she was nowhere in sight, but I was also not in that pool anymore, I was in a man-made pool in the middle of a giant plaza surrounded by a city of gold. The plaza was surrounded and full of people wearing white togas. When I stood up they all applauded me and when a giant centaur walked up to me and put a crown of laurels on my head the people all bowed down before me. I didn't know what was going on, but the centaur gave me a sword with a giant ruby in the handle. The sword felt really good in my hand. The centaur explained that I was the chosen one and would have to do battle with a dragon to save the life of the princess of the land. I was a little bit worried of course, because the only fight I had ever been in was against Sammy Furgeson in fourth grade and he won by kicking me in the shin at which point I fell down and cried until Mrs. Marquez showed up. But these people trusted me and thought I could do it, so what the hell, you know? So I mounted my pegasus and off we flew to the dragon's lair on the Eastern slopes of the craggy Death Mountains. The cave was dark and foreboding, yet I pressed on, remembering that I was doing this for the princess. When I got into the heart of the cave, there in the center was a giant dragon, asleep on a ginormous pile of gold, and just feet away was a small cage with the princess trapped within. So I decided to release her without waking the dragon, so I went to the cage and tried to jimmy the lock with the sword, but the keyhole was too small and hitting it would wake the dragon, and just when I thought that I looked up and the dragon was awake and looking at me. Now, I knew that dragons breahte fire or some shit, right? So I ran at him and tried to get under his head so he couldn't get me with his firey breath, right? So I'm under him, and I look up and there's a scale missing on his chest, and out of instinct more than anything else, I thrust my sword up and into the spot where the missing scale was. I sunk the sword in to the hilt. And the ruby on the hilt began to glow. The dragon screamed and bucked around wildly spitting fire everywhere, but I somehow managed to avoid his random thrashing death thralls and grab the princess and run out of there. I did it! I slew a dragon and rescued a princess! The townspeople went crazy and threw a huge party and I was a hero! Everybody loved me. After we'd partied all night, the young lady in the sundress came up to me, took my hand and led me back to the pool in the center of town, and with much fanfare, we jumped in. I arrived back in the pool by my house. Alone. I climbed out and walked back to my place. And all the way back I couldn't find that bag full of condiments. I thought I probably dropped them, but I couldn't find them anywhere. I hate to litter, but I just couldn't find them.

- smaller

My tiny fridge

My tiny fridge

Old wheatpaste

Old wheatpaste

Frozen banana

Frozen banana

Unfrozen mayo

Unfrozen mayo

14 vote(s)

Favorite of:


freeze, story

4 comment(s)

(no subject)
posted by rongo rongo on February 4th, 2010 9:37 AM

You made my day much more delightful. Thanks!

(no subject)
posted by Markov Walker on February 4th, 2010 7:53 PM

I would like to encourage you to make more vigorous frequent use of paragraph breaks.

Did you hand code the html to get the paragraphs to wrap around the pictures? Did that take a good bit of experimenting to get right? Did you have to do style="float:right" for all the pictures and put them in the middle of the paragraphs? I am curious.

(no subject)
posted by Lincøln on February 4th, 2010 9:10 PM

1) The run-on sentences were done deliberately to make you feel like it would never end. I think my plan succeeded.

2) The brilliant website SFØ has that html built in. when editing a task, clicking that "proof" button will insert the necessary html with your cursor ready to input a number which corresponds to one of your files in the task. All you have to do to customize it is to change the values, I changed 100 (which is full) to 50, and aligned it right instead of left. But still, it's nice to preview it often to see what it'll actually look like. It's fun!

(no subject)
posted by Markov Walker on February 7th, 2010 3:25 PM

1) Fair enough.

2)I'll have to try this myself to see what you're talking about. Thanks for the info.