The Department of Pirate Affairs was originally created on March 3rd, 2006, as a secret arm of the Department of Defense, to monitor and replicate pirate activity. However, after just a year of operation, on June 2nd, 2007, its mission was revised by order of Presidential Directive PPD-10753. The administration, deciding that this was the one concession they would make to the environmental, privateering, and pastafarian lobbies, expanded the authority of the DPA to regulate American piracy.

As authorized members of the DPA, piratey and Spidere went to 826 Valencia to conduct an inspection of their facilities.

We were equipped with business cards, as well as an intensive review sheet for their annual review.



And, of course, it's important to be properly dressed.



There were a number of concerns with some of the points on the checklist. Fortunately, the staff started off on the right foot with some bribery.



We talked with them about their periodic buccaneer reviews:



As well as asking about their prisoner facilities:




We discussed our appreciation of bribery:



And determined their scurvy plan:



As well as assessing their navigation equipment:



One of the items which piratey allowed through despite some reservations was the merry jig:


We're going to look at getting their retirement practices marked as a gold standard



And I was impressed by their continuity of operations plan



We discussed their preparation


But their port/starboard knowledge needed some work:



Finally, we summed up:



About ten seconds into this, you hear a thump--that's Justin getting mopped when piratey access the mop release.





In the end, Justin learned a valuable lesson about securing traps, and I think we've continued to show why the DPA is such a valuable organization.