February 5th, 2011 6:23 PM
So, Space Bakery. I get it. If you bake something in space, it'll likely turn out spherical. Nice joke.
Too bad the Adherents got ahold of it.
We started mixing up dough, really just winging the hell out of it - a cup of flour here, an egg or two, some milk, sugar, and whatever else was in the cabinet and had a shiny enough label to catch our attention. Eventually, between my immaculate knowledge of chemistry [read: insane improvisational guesswork] and Fettucini's deft and sensitive sense of touch (he was up to his elbows in the stuff), we came to a 4-quart glass bowl half-filled with something that resembled, but was not altogether, cookie dough, which we proceeded to make into ten mostly different-sized spheres and drop on a cookie sheet. Everything seemed to be working fine.
Too bad the Adherents got ahold of it.
We baked it in the oven on 225F and walked away to go do Seeing Beyond Sight (using impressive feats of mathematics [read: guesswork] we calculated that it wouldn't be done for a while).
By the time we got back, what we had resembled a mob of oddly shaped, lumpy matzo balls that were all different sizes, and were roughly the density and consistency of softballs.
Huh. Failure? We don't know the meaning of the word. Well, Fettucini and I do, not sure about Tirius. Might've burnt that bit of his vocabulary off with that last flaming cardboard box dance. (He's sitting two feet away heaving into his hands and sniffing it. Point made.)
After waiting a consummate amount of time to get over the setback, regroup our minds, watch a movie, drink a little and firmly forget that the first attempt was sitting in the cold oven still, we whipped out another bowl and a bunch of ingredients and kicked right back into the bitch; this time stopping for a moment to establish what had gone wrong: we lost cohesivity while baking (thanks to that stupid bitch gravity; if we ever find a Higgs Boson, I'm going to kick it's ass) and thus lost spherical shape. Need to buttress. Or cheat.
Naturally, we went with the NOT cheating option. Whatever that was. Yeah, that one.
We remixed, using more eggs and flour this time, and less butter. Tried to use yeast, to possibly get it to rise into a spherical shape (I have little glass baking dishes that are semi-spherical, so if I could get the bread to meet me halfway, we'd be set for business), couldn't find yeast. Think we used it for pizza once. While a little drunk. Whatever. We're Adherents, we've got this.
Finished mixing, broke the clingy bastard into pan-sized bunches, dropped it in our greased baking dishes, and let it bake at 350F for a few minutes. (We gave up on trying to estimate when it would be done and just kind of kept an eye on it.)
Pulled them out a few hours later. Well, they looked close, but no matter how much we screamed at them to be spherical (including all that time we wasted on geometry lessons in both english and pastry), they didn't quite catch on.
After a little trim work, which we learned on computer science, or geometry, we had things resembling spheres in a way that not even a real sphere could quite put it's finger on the differences.
There we were, men, bakers, astronomers, with ten differently-sized spheres of mostly baked dough and what we could only call at best the framework of a plan. After extensive study [read: calling someone who bakes often and asking them] we determined that spray-paint wouldn't stick well directly to the dough, and coated them in our patented Spray-paint/Pastry Intercession Medium (SPIM for short, or thickened coconut pudding for sane), and allowed that to set over night. And then another night. And then another. (We didn't forget... ish.)
Once we retrieved the doughy psuedo-planets from the depths of the ice-box, we laid them out and spray-painted them accordingly, and arranged them into their appropriate positions.
Suck it, Space Bakery. Not only did we bake spheres, we baked THE Spheres.
(Damnit. Submitting now, without final pics from Fettucini from like a month ago, incl. out of the icebox, the spray-painting, and the arranging.)