"you have found yourself alive
for your dreams are still beside you
face your fears.... and watch the shadows fade..."
Wednesday - Prologue - Haircut
So on Wednesday i got my haircut. For the first time in my life. I've had it trimmed before, and when i was six, my sis cut some of to give to the birds... But in all honesty, it's kind of a big deal. It was spur of the moment. I came up with the idea, and an hour later, i did it. With the hair fell a lot of baggage and unhealthiness, along with split ends. So I figured it was time for me to "Face my fears... and watch the shadows fade" I don't fear that many things, but I am controlled by my inhibitions. Not all of this week has been fear facing, but all of it had to do with letting go of inhibitions which were hurting my life (or in some cases, were good plans...) and allowing myself to do things i otherwise couldn't have done.
It's hard, because most of my fears are reasonable (like not jumping out in front of trains) and listening to them has kept me alive. But i took the irrational ones on, and even some of the rational ones...
Saturday - Drinking
I'd never drank before. I don't think i ever will again. It was properly scary. I had 4 shots of alcohol. i had 2 rum and cokes and 2 shots peach shnops chased down by coke (in one case, rum and coke.) It honestly felt weird, standing over the sink, taking the shots. I'm really god at it, it didn't' burn at all. The peach even tasted nice. Rum and coke is icky. I didn't feel amazing. Well i kind of did. See I'm already a super extrovert talkative person when sober who is fairly comfortable around people. I think this rather exacerbated all of that. I was kind of loud, but apparently well behaved. We got caught, which was very scary. we hid in the other room, but came out. I know the guy who caught me. I went to RA school, and he taught me stuff. It really didn't feel good. Then, the party broke up, and things happened, the details of which won't be posed on the internet. I did make art though, which will be posed for another task. I didn't have a hangover
Sunday - Facing up to my actions
Told my mom about what happened night previous. Most of it anyway. Sunday wasn't a huge day, but a day full of little things. There were many people who got a telling to today. An ex (TB) whom I've been avoiding because he makes me feel horrible (though it really was all my fault) and someone on here, whom my relations have been getting shaky. There was venting on both sides. There was also facing the RA who caught me last night, and the person's house whom i was caught at (the first person who lent me hospitality in while true.) There were other things too, regarding my actions of Saturday night which needed dealing with. (I guess today was the set up for Tuesday and Wednesday) I'm scared though, because monday is a big one...
Monday - Driving
One week before i left for my first year of college (so about a year ago) I took my drivers test. Once completed i walked into the room to tell my mother of my results. ""The good news" i told her "is that no one got hurt. The bad news, is that i crashed into a brick wall." She didn't believe me. She said "honey, it's mean to joke about these kinds of things." then she saw the expression of the driving instructor as she loomed over my shoulder. "Mam, please come with me." I wasn't joking.
The aftermath was pretty disastrous to everyone. The car, though now working again, has never worked as well as it has, and has declined in to having constant health problems. I haven't been behind the wheel since. Until Monday that is...
AP R was kind enough to lend me his car (though he knew my history,) and in exchange for homemade curry dinner, he drove me to a Home Depot parking lot. He has an automatic, which made everything a lot easier. And it was hard. Re-remembering was a little difficult, but dealing with the fear was more so. I started by just driving around the parking lot. I was very good about signaling most of the time. My lane control left something to be desired, but i didn't put anyone into danger. I eventually got out on little roads, then on a main road. I wend 35 miles/hr. Which was scary, and kind of a bid deal. Other cars scared me if they got anywhere near me, which they occasionally did. AP R told me to "breath" a lot. I drove for 20 minutes, then decided it was time to go home. The adrenaline stayed with me for a long time...
Tuesday - TB
(Though i try to not to talk about boys in this game, this guy has shown up in my praxis before. )
Often i find it appropriate that his initials are the same the acronym for tuberculosis. Then i beat my self up, because that's kind of mean. He is referenced in Three of my tasks (and including this one, four.) This is truly odd, because while he was around chronologically, i at least pretend that he's one of the people i care about least. This is a big freaking lie though. But to save you reading too much lame back story, I'll just say that after we broke up, we had strange rebound-ness, and after i expressed how i thought this was a bad idea, he started sending me mean bitter things. And i stopped responding, because when I read what he said, it made me very sad. It didn't make me sad because I though he was being unfair, it hurt because I thought he was right. Sunday is the first time in a while i responded to anything he said. Tuesday, i met with him in person. I had hardcore goosebumps, seeing as this felt like walking into emotional suicide. But we sat down for about a half an hour and talked. We came to the following conclusions 1) we both suck at showing feelings 2) we both felt a lot stronger things about the other then ether of us were aware of while we were dating 3) I should have slapped him repeatedly 4) I shouldn't have cheated on him 5) We will see each-other again. I'm still kind of shaken. It's a different fear then drinking or driving, but it's effects are no less frighting.
Wednesday - Hearing (and spending money)
So, i had the hearing for getting caught drinking. After an all-nighter. This was rather terrifying, seeing as I'm a bad lier, and the guy in my hearing was super nice. He could tell that I hadn't been sleeping and spent much less time talking to me about the incident and much more talking about my lifestyle choices and stress management. I got off, seeing as i didn't have a record, and the friend who hosted it (whom i've refereed to in other praxis as Elvis) told them the same story. Oh and guys, posting this shit on the internet is scary. Hell, breaking the law in general is scary. And i bought an iTouch (spending money impulsively is a big deal for me...) I've been wanting one for ages, but my first paycheck came in, and I decided it was time.
Thursday - Seattle Trip
So apparently, i just spent about 200 dollars going to go to Seattle. I'm not sure if it qualifies as fear, but it releases my inhibitions. I'm going to see the Gorillaz with Elvis and a mutual friend. I'm going to Seattle next tuseday. I've spent $500 this week. And i need to spend another 200 on a bridesmaid's dress for my friends wedding. Holy fucking shit. That's kind of a big deal. I'm also going to miss a lot of school for this...
Friday - Insanity
Friday was just a weird day. For starters, the only thing that separated it from Thursday was an hour of sleep between 6:30 and 7:30 am. Then i finished my midterm. Then i turned it in. At some point, i was soooooo scared because i though i lost the iTouch i just bought and so i spent hours looking for it. It wasn't on purpose but it scared the shit out of me. Turns out i left it in a pocket (but thinking you lost something worth $300 after one day of use sucks.) I'm not really sure that counts, but on Friday, i really didn't care. I made it though a full day of school, and i went to two halloween parties with no sleep (seeing as when two friends put on parties the same night, you have to go to both or you favor one and the other will never forgive you.) The thing i think does count is the second party (i got there at about 10:30 pm) at my friends house. I'd never been there before and took the bus out to one of the suburbs. The bus dropped TB and I (we'd both been invited to both parties) by a funeral home. And it was very cold. And while TB is a man, he is about my build, which means that if we'd been shanked, it wouldn't have worked out. The party itself was a bit scetch, seeing as i didn't intend to drink/smoke anything and i had no idea what they would get up to there. I ended up passing out on the middle of the floor at 1am out of sheer exhaustion. I remember TB walking me up to a bedroom and curling up next to me an falling asleep. It'd been a tough week. They got me up at 4 and drove me home (seeing as i had to leave for a tournament at 8am.) I guess i had a lot of small fears, but i needed to make it and i did.
1 week has passed since i finished this. I went to Seattle (which was both very good and very bad.) I experienced more adrenaline and less sleep then i have in a long time. I'm still unsure if I'll ever drink again, but i know i will learn to drive fully so i can truly master that fear. I had midterms and two allnighters, and struggles with my best friend, and faced my fears. This last week has been dealing with both the positive and negative consequences. My body has rebelled against the physical abuse, my schoolwork is bad, Seattle had sooooo much happen, but most importantly, i can face my fears head on. I found myself confronting people I've always let step on me. I have the confidence it takes to competitively debate again (I'd quit about the time I joined SF0)
Not many pictures will be posted on the internet (some were taken of the party, but none which are "proof" seeing as I'm not going to post anything else incriminating on here, AP R lost the driving pictures, the hearing has no photos.)
I guess long story short: some of what i did was stupid, some was awesome. But after I clean up all the messes I created last week, I'm going to be 20 times more baddass and unstoppable!!!!