This is 400 points of write up. As such, it will be long and full of personal details. Also note that there will not be many exciting pictures. Thats because sometimes, documentation interferes with one's ability to experience. If this is not enough to prove that this is real, then Private message me and I'll find a way to show you.
Think about your story arc, the trajectory you've traced so far: part one
Pixie was born long before SF0 ever was. Maybe she's always been there, or maybe i grew into her. Maybe I split her out of something that was once a whole being, or perhaps I created her as a way to make sense of the jumble of personality traits inside of me. The name was first used when I started fighting with duct tape swords, and has stuck. When I joined SFØ, she was already a natural, well developed part of the greater whole, known as Molly.
Recently, Pixie got “kidnapped” and Molly was divided and cloned. The conclusion to that story will be in this write up. But this is not just about Pixie, this is about the collective, so you will have to wade though a lot to get there.
SFØ. Means more to me then many of you understand. It's the first thing I've ever really committed to. Not because my mother told me to, or because "it's what people in society do" but for it's own sake. I've had two ex-boyfriends tell me that "You love/are dedicated to SFØ more then you ever were to me." Thats true. And the fact that I can make meaningful commitments is what makes me have a solid identity, rather then being fragmented pieces of personality which float inside a body. (Read Kierkegaard's works on the ethical vs. the aesthetic for more on that.)
Here are some things that you should know about me
1) I've lived in oregon basically my entire life. I've lived in Ashland, and Portland, both of which are very, weird places. And very proud of their weirdness. Also, they are "liberal bubbles" This has influenced me.
2) I was raised to aspire to traditional American values (on some level.) The ones like hard work, and family, and earning things yourself.
3) I was unable to commit to things. I wasn't faithful to men. I had majors picked out, but they didn't lead me to any definitive life plan. I've done a wide range of things in my life, from fire dancing to debate to brain-bowl to ballroom to student government (in college, where it kind of matters) to prom committee to martial arts to teacher's assistant to babysitting to cooking to contortion to EVERYTHING! While I enjoyed most of these things, and was fairly good at most of them, nothing ever sticks.
In the same way, I haven't been able to commit to a personality. Sometimes I've been this amazingly friendly, open person who will tell anyone anything about me five minutes after meeting them, and will sleep in the same bed with absolute strangers. An unchangeable, constantly exploding technicolor being who sees wonder in everything. Sometimes, I am a good domestic woman who makes a mean mac and cheese and is the kind of person who you want to have your kids around. A stable, caring, sweet domestic vision who's values are unshakeable. Sometimes I turn into a cutthroat politician, able to compartmentalize and analyze and theorize the pros and cons of any given action. I am a strong, independent woman who wears high heals and tight black dresses and ensures that the polices being created maximize the utility of everyone around. But I can't skip barefoot through the rain, while wearing high heals while being a good mom. A good mom needs shoes, but shoes that aren't heals, so she can run into the street to get her kid out no matter what.
That is where I have been thus far. Now it's about time I told you where I've decided to go. The fact that I've decided anything... means just as much as the decision I've made.
Where am I going:
The Simple answer: I am going to Texas,
The Complicated answer: I'm going to peruse the idea of true love. Does it exist? I guess we'll find out. The fact that I believe in it may be what makes it real. I'm also going to experience a different part of the country and see what effect that culture will have on me.
Who am I becoming:
The simple answer: I'm becoming a nanny.
The complicated answer is: I'm becoming a "grown up." Not in the sense that I will stop playing, or that I will only speak in business jargon and wear suits, or decide I hate fun forever... More in the sense that I develop a constant sleep schedule, hold down a "real job," and (most importantly) become finically independent. I'm becoming the type of person who won't wait for important things to "work them selves out." I'm taking life by the balls, and pursuing something which is valuable to me. The idea of true love, the idea of independence and the power to change my life. The other thing that I would say is that I'm becoming part of a partnership. I'm letting another person, and the fact that I am committed to that person, become part of the materials who make up who I am.
Are you in this for a reason?
The simple answer: Fuck Yeah!
The complicated answer: I'm in here for a lot of reasons. I'm in this because I'm in love. I'm in this because I want to actively go out and make the world a better place rather then studying what is “good” on an abstract level. I'm in this because I want to define myself though my actions. I'm in this because I didn't want to spend my life regretting a chance I didn't take. I'm in this because I'm a romantic and an optimist and because I want to believe that the world is a beautiful place and I want to fill it with joy, first hand, by forming meaningful friendships and by giving care and love to a little girl who's parents are too busy to be able to adequately do so. I want to put myself in different surroundings and make it harder for me so I can grow and change and adapt and become stronger. And I'm here for my boyfriend, whom I adore and whom I hope might be more then just my boyfriend someday. Yeah, I'm in this for a reason
The simple answer: It's complicated?
The complicated answer:
BACK STORY TIME: It all started when I stepped off of the plane in Texas. Well, after I walked past the part where you are in security. Our eyes met. All that sappy shit happened. All of the church bells, sirens, alarms and angels chorusing were pretty overwhelming and cluttered up my hearing. From then on, every experience, encounter and event seemed to wave it's arms franticly and point at him
. This guy. He's the one. Go get em tiger. This is what the four or five months of long nights together, epic truth or dare, wooing, bitter emanate and small talk had been building up to. It's kind of funny to admit that I honestly expected not to really like him as much in person. That was silly.
I guess I figured it out while were were walking after 18 or so hours of never letting go
(which is an awesome way to determine wether someone is good for you or not.) I had no problem being attached to him, and I decided I wanted to make that a more permanent thing. I threw out the idea of me moving to Houston. A thought experiment. A hypothetical. But the 80 degree april air embraced me in a way that Portland rain never had. The culture was different, but exotic in it's own way. It was like being in the United States for the first time having grown up in some crazy pseudo-Europe. By the time I got back to Portland, I had my mind made up. I was going to move there. I didn't care what I had to do. Where ever I'm going in life, Houston will be the next step.
ACCTUAL PLAN TIME: Okay, I started planing this many months in advance. I'll spend the next (at least a) year there, learning and figuring things out. The first part of the planing process was sitting down with one of my closest friends and figuring out how much it would cost. It was a very big number. Then, there was explaining to my mother why I didn't want to attend college next year. This was not as horrible as I expected. She was actually the one who suggested nannying. I spend $120 subscribing to different nannying sites (this
is the one I would recommend to anyone who is interested) and I had a potential person the first day. It was doing elder care for this guy near Dallas. He mostly sounded like a rich retired guy who was widowed and wanted company. We talked a lot, but I kept searching. With in two weeks, I had the family that I wanted. Many emails went back and fourth which will not be put up here (because my employers probably wouldn't appreciate it) and it was settled. It was that easy. Little did I know that the hardest part was yet to come
*insert a sinister dun dun dun!*
THE HARDEST PART: Well, there were two. One was getting my drivers license. I have a crazy fear of driving as explained in an earlier task. I now am not only licensed to drive, but can comfortably drive a stick shift. All I can't do is back into parallel parking, which is only for showoffs anyway. The incredibly more difficult part has been the wait. Creating the plan and organizing logistics beats the shit out of inactivity any day. But the family didn't want me till August so wait I did. Which is where we get into the actual hardest part.
and waiting some more
seriously, There were two months between college ending, and me being allowed to leave
And so I waited...
And it was incredibly paralyzing. I felt like I'd poured my heart and soul into something which was now beyond my control. I moved back in with my mother and started doing house work. Now as we know, Mom doesn't like SFØ, so my ability to do it was quite diminished... It almost felt like everything creative and beautiful about we was kidnaped and being tortured while all that was left was a cleaning husk...
Think about your story arc, the trajectory you've traced so far: part 2
But seriously, there were/are other reasons why I went through a period where I was very burned out and unmotivated regarding SFØ. This place masquerades itself as a game but I think that making that assumption is almost damaging. It uses game mechanics, but no one who plays this like a game is successful or sticks around very long. When playing a friendly sit down game of monopoly, people don't spend endless house bickering about wether the most rewarding way to play is to buy only a few valuable properties, or to get a lot of less expensive ones. If this was really a game to all of you, you could just live and let live with the quality vs. quantity vs. write up vs. experience debates. We could all just get along and suck it up, because we were coming together to share an awesome experience.
If SFØ were just a game, it'd be a pretty crappy one, which is why people leave it so much. The idea behind it is awesome, but SSI have lives and don't have time to change the era. There are just too many people with too many points, and too few people who care. I'm part of both of those problems. The community can also be fickle, strange and down right discriminatory. Some people are honestly underloved, and are not treated equaly. Too much depends of how pretty someone's writing or photography is, as opposed to the actions they take. The honest truth is that some people will sit and read though something long with many pictures because a name is attached to it, and some people won't. The other honest truth is that sometimes, SFØ and life don't always mix well. It's a different experience for all of us, and to anyone who's taken the time to read this far, it's probably a profound life changing one. It's pushed and compelled us to do things with our lives that we never expected to do. It's one of the reasons I love it so much.
Because of all of that, I concluded that, to me anyway, SFØ isn't a game. It's a social network of people who like to do awesome things. It's a way of bringing us together and helping us motivate each other to live better lives. You are my community, my people, my clan. You are my friends, because you aren't afraid to tell me when I'm not doing well, but I know you love and support me even when I'm not. Many of you came together to help me over the last month when I was kidnaped and showed me that you care about me. So I'm not going to leave. But I'm not “playing” anymore. When I “Play” you all tell me that I can and should do better. I can put more effort in, I can create better, more beautiful praxis. I will treat this as what it has become to me: a place where I share the awesome parts of my life with the people that I love. When Pixie and the Clone were unified, they became Molly. Which is who I am.
Be inevitable. You have forty eight hours.
This isn't time-line style, and everything has happened so quickly and recently that it's not all sorted out.
Got off the plane
Ty Picked me up
Got to new house
Met father of man who's daughter I’m taking care of
Went to lunch with Ty and his mom (I'm in this for keeps, so it's important to take time for his family)
Walking around Houston, talking, planing etc.
Dinner with friends
Come back and call people who care about me to tell them I'm alive
Pack for beach trip
Drive the car to little girl's school, Gymnastics and the grocery store (getting lost, but always finding my way)
Getting gas by myself for the first time in my life
Ty picks me up and we drive toward the beach
Visit where he grew up, and the house of his late father
Learn that there is no grave to put the baseball trophy on, so he sets it by the house. I'm just happy to be there for him
Get to the beach, check in
See the gulf of mexico for the first time and swim in the warm and wonderful water.
There is more, but that's the first 48 hours. I made him a list of things that I want to do with him, and we knocked at least 10 of them off. There are lots of details which I can't really describe or write down because it's all so new and insane and fantastic. I hopefully get to meet comit tomorrow which is something I've wanted to do since she joined the game. Life is pretty good so far, and I'm lucky I have as awesome a group of people to share it with as you.
This is the most literally life changing experience I've ever had, and the biggest decision i've ever made. Thus far, it's also one of the best. Jokingly, in person, I asked Ty out again. And he said yes. This has been vast, and incredibly unsafe. The was challenging, and very few people approved. This is imperfect, but it's done.
I got 'em, and I'm a Tiger!