I actually file away and retain most of my major trespasses. I still shudder slightly when I remember what an utter fuck up I made of some introductory speech for my high school anime club. Seriously, I'm still aggravated about that and I have a habit of pulling out the files and staring at them and making myself feel bad to no constructive end. In that filing cabinet of my fuck ups, failings, abuses, and shames is a time when I was in Australia and inadvertently was the most insensitive asshole I think I have ever been. I joined a tour of the Sydney Zoo being hosted by the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence during Sydney's Gay Mardis Gras and on the tour was someone who was clearly trans-sexual or at least had gender dysphoria and was socializing as a woman. At the time I had a pre-operative trans-sexual lesbian roommate (say that three times fast) who was very open about her issues and the process of adjusting to gender dysphoria. In a bout of utterly insensitive, thoughtless dickery I spoke to this woman about these issues without ever once considering the fact that she would not want to discuss them. I just hauled off on my merry way without at all thinking about the effect that storming through to chat about what most likely had been the root of more pain and struggle than anything else in her life might have. I still very acutely feel shame when I think about her and hope that she was able to brush me off as the callow, unthinking person that I was being and that it had no deeper effect. Almost everyone has some sort of anxiety based on their gender but for those who fall further outside the heterosexual & biological gender appropriate distribution it is monumentally worse. I hate that I contributed to making that woman's day (or more) worse by failing to be mindful.

Upon further reflection I wanted to add that this task is something everyone should be permitted to do and interested in doing. I really thought hard about how to end my description because to hope that any damage my actions caused could be repaired (I originally thought it would be nice to be able to apologize to this woman) is absurd. For me this task was a little taste of Yom Kippur. I thought of the story of the man who goes to his rabbi and asks him how he can undo the damage of slights he has given over the past year. The rabbi tells him to take a feather pillow to the top of a building and cut it open to release the feathers. The man complies and returns to his rabbi, who says, "now, go and collect every feather." "That's impossible!" cried the man. Likewise you cannot undo what you have done in hurting others, you can attempt to make amends but what is best is to be mindful of your actions at all times. While I am still quite capable of being a jerk I have worked hard to step away from initial impulses of judgment and action. I have also determined that one day I would like to be so clear of mind and disciplined that I will, with rare exceptions of necessity, never speak a word for or against someone that I would not share with them directly. It is a long, hard road.