Yesterday I had to call Federal Express to complain that a package sent by Standard Overnight had actually arrived by 2-day mail. The person I spoke to, Marvin (who spoke with such a thick Southern accent I could hardly understand him, probably because FedEx is based in Memphis, unless they're using really cleverly-accented call-center people in India), seemed nice at first, but then got increasingly weirder. The conversation we had should have been like this:

Me: "Hi, um, we sent a package last week by Standard Overnight, but it was actually delivered in two days. I was hoping you could straighten this out or we could get a refund or something."
Marvin: "Sure, let me look into that. What was your tracking number?"
Me: "09235837683476."
Marvin: "Yup, you're right. It will be credited to your next invoice. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "No, thanks."

Instead, this is what happened. I am not at all embellishing this; in fact, it was probably funnier and more bizarre:

Me: "Hi, um, we sent a package last week by Standard Overnight, but it was actually delivered in two days. I was hoping you could straighten this out or we could get a refund or something."
Marvin: "Hello, okay, let me look that up in the computer...come on computer...work!"
Me: *nervous laughter*
***two minutes of silence***
Me: "Hello?"
Marvin: "What was your tracking number?"
Me: "206720670460725."
Marvin: "Okay, let's try that in the computer...come on computer!"
Me: *nervous laughter*
Marvin: "COMPUTER!"
***more silence***
Marvin: "Well, you know, today's a rough day, it's Tuesday, you know. You'd think Mondays would be the worst, but they're really not, because people keep calling and calling and they go by so fast, you know. Tuesdays everything slows down and it's harder."
Me: *half-genuine laughter* [At this point I think, well, he's being nice, maybe I should respond w/ some similar talk about how I feel the same way, but I'm a little too freaked out by his weird computer talk and accent that I'm sort of hoping this will be resolved quickly and I can get off the phone.]
Marvin: "And then Wednesdays [he's talking faster now], Wednesdays are [blah blah blah {memory failing}], and Thursdays, well, Thursdays are [blah blah blah], and Fridays are [blah blah blah]. But, you know, I love my job, I get to talk to people all over the world all the time. And I have a wife and a mortgage at home, so it gets me a chance to get away from them for awhile!"
Me: *quiet, unencouraging nervous laughter*
Marvin: "Come on computer, thank you for your patience ma'am."
Me: "It's okay, I have no trouble waiting."
Marvin: "Okay, here we go. Yup, you're right. This hasn't been invoiced yet, so I'm going to send this to Sarah, and she's going to take care of it. We're going to watch to make sure this isn't placed on your next invoice for you."
Me: "Great, thanks."
Marvin: "You have a great day, you hear? And if you have any trouble about this, just call back and tell them Marvin told you on Tuesday that this was being taken care of, already approved, okay?"
Me: "Okay, thanks."
Marvin: "Bye now!"
Me: "Bye."


And that was just yesterday! You don't even want to hear about how the Arrowhead water people are always trying to sneak extra shit into the office, and then charge us later. I have to watch them like a hawk to make sure they don't give us $6.00 plastic cups or offer us fake "free" Starbucks coffee. Good lord.