Are you a secret agent?

Phase 1: Lock the target

Mission: recruit new U of A agents while sitting around at the Spyhouse.

Phase 2: Bait the line

Secret non-governmental organization seeks agents for miscellaneous

covert operations. No experience necessary, but ninja, art, or

demolitions skills a plus.

(posted at http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/crg/160786679.html)

We're still getting responses. Here are some of the better ones:

No official skills.  But I make a mean snowball.

If your post wasn't a joke, send me some more info. I have art

experience.

Art skills: check

Demolition skills: check

The red fern grows green under herberts ass. Agent man.

Im your man..film indusry, Camera skills, video, LOCKSMITH..THere is

nothing I cant enter, covert. Dont let me pass..I am the ONE.

Hi I am skilled in the arts of covert operations. I am interested in

your posted message. Please contact me .

So - is this real or what. I'm ready to go.

I can't talk long so I will cut to the chase... I have a black belt, a

degree in multimedia... And as far as demolition... let's just say my

experience is vast!

I'm really more of a pirate than a ninja, but I definitely got

skills.

I am from an underground, non-governmental special forces team and

saw your ad on craigslist when looking for some computer repair work. Odd,

yes, but even the most underground of soldiers have to have day jobs.

I teach Aikido as well as trombone, both privately.



Do you not know it is foolish to bring an underground operation above

ground, even to recruit? Craigslist is not a secure site and therefore

could easily be infiltrated by government or rival officials. A solid

operation knows how to make even their recruting undercover and

successful every time. I believe I can help your team and guide you

toward that solidity. It seems you have much to learn but perhaps you

can learn quickly. If not, you may well see an early end. And then

you're screwed.

yo! i wanna be a secret agent man too!  i got sum mad

ninjah skillz XD

i am an artful demolition professional, but i didnt like how i looked

in a ninja outfit. even though i did practice their ways.

I may or may not be interested in the agent position and I may or may

not have ninja-like, art, and demolition skills.

i have been trained in the art of ninjitsu. what services do you

require.

I noticed your posting on craigslist, and felt compelled to reply. My

name is GorgonEvil. While my experience mainly lies in overt, blatant

operations, and getting fired from McDonalds, I have skillz that I

know you need. Specifically, I've mastered my own form of martial arts

that combine guns, swords, gunswords, swordguns, kicking ass and

yelling things. I call it Kara-fu-do, and I'm the only licensed master

of it, once I get it recognized in a few more online martial arts

clubs. I could also bring my pet snakes Wretched and Desolate. They

could do stuff like climb through vents to get keys for locked doors,

or I could throw them at people. It would be wicked awesome.



I have to warn you that my current lair resides in my mom's basement,

but that is totally temporary, and my girlfriend Amy doesn't seem to

mind much. (Don't worry. If a mission requires me to seduce lesbian

ninjas, I'll drop that bitch in a second.) Plus, I have chosen not to

return to the fascist work-force that conspires to keep my mad skillz

down. Being a secret-agent would totally kick ass, and I think all

that other shit isn't really important anyway.



My friend Jym is totally interested to, but he's kinda a pansy-wimp

who'd probably cry if he ever saw anything really dangerous. But he's

totally cool as a reference for me; the fucker will tell you how

totally bad ass and non-shalant I can be. This one time, I totally ate

all his bags of doritos, and he didn't even notice for TWO WEEKS! I

definately think I'm ready for the big time.



So hit me up when you're ready to roll with me. Be warned though: hell

hath no fury like a mothafucka like me!

I am a ninja for hire...what are you looking for? shuiruken to the

face? smoke screen getaways?

Dude, you win at the internet.

Phase 3: Slowly spread the net

Only one of the initial respondents sent us a phone number. So we sent
out more enticement.

Dear applicant,



I'm afraid we cannot provide more details until we've completed an

initial phone screening and background check. Please provide a contact

number and the best hours to reach you.

This scared off a few people, clued in a couple others, and netted us
about a half dozen numbers.

Is there any way for me to determine if you are legitimate before I

give you my home contact information?

I apologize. I think I am likely overqualified for the position.

Thanks for your consideration.

OK, at least give me a clue if possible... I'm not a criminal nor a

loudmouth. Who's the boss?

Phase 4: Catch the man

Agent Star5 conducted the first interview:

...

Hello, may I speak with Pete?

this is pete.

Pete, This is agent S5 from SFO calling regarding the posting you
recently responded to. Do you have a few minutes?

uh, sure

Ok, we have just a few screening questions we'd like to ask. I'm
afraid we won't be able to provide any additional details about the
position until we've processed this initial data.

Also note that this phone call may be monitored for national security
purposes.

Ready?

yes

Do you have any past experiences with secret operations?

no, not really

What are your areas of expertise?

surveillance, martial arts (aikido and chi gong)

Do you have any unusual skills?

my friends say i'm very stealthy

Are you now, or have you ever been a surrealist?

not that I know of

Describe a creative project you have worked on.

i've currated some gallery shows

How would you evaluate your ability to deal with conflict?

very good.

Are you willing to travel?

yes

Lastly, are you familiar with pirateymonkey?

what? no.

Ok, that's all for now, thank you for your time. Someone will be
contacting you shortly.

ok, bye

...

I'm afraid Pete won't be getting a second interview. We tried on a
total of three days to reach the other candidates but with no success.
People: if you expect to get a job working for a secret organization,
you've got to answer those "Number Withheld" calls because we won't be
leaving a message!