Eyecatching?

Waldo: We just put this first because we though the thumbnail would be eyecatching on the praxis page. To be fair, we tried pretty hard to make the design eyecatching, so its a safe bet. Did I mention eyecatching yet? The Walrus: We liked this picture.

This is our object.

You will observe the fact that although it isn't entirely metal, there are metal studs in both rings.

Instructions for a Two-Way Cock Ring

These made me laugh for a while. I will include the text from one bullet point at a time to the following photos of assembling the knot. The Walrus: Here in Canada, we feel we are hiding a sexual fixation which we do not, in fact, have. We have had to go to ridiculous lengths to hide both the cock ring and the instruction sheet,I would add that Waldo has been carrying the instruction card in his back pocket for the last week, between our intermittent internet access to write up the praxis, and has had several very close calls where someone else nearly stumbled onto this dark secret. The garbage is rummaged through for recyclables. Whether we can keep them hidden from my terrifying relatives remains to be seen. Walrus out.

How to wear it?

As was kindly explained to me, this is not the traditional cock ring design. Usually it is one ring. This however is a rare "Two-Way" ring, with 100% more testicle restricting goodness. INSTRUCTIONS: -Submit to the strap

Waldo Wishes To Join Your Party!

Waldo: I was set the task of working out how this device would be worn through airport security. Not only did it not fit me as intended, it couldn't even obviously be worn in any non-intended way. INSTRUCTIONS: -Quick-release 100% leather cock and ball straps mean you can lock or be locked with ease

Atypical design

The Walrus can't wear a cock ring the traditional way either. So she decided to wear it as a belt buckle, and I set about working out how to make it look feasibly as though designed to hold a belt in place. INSTRUCTIONS: -Adjustable 45mm (1.75") and 55mm*2.25") strap fits many (Note: did not fit either The Walrus or Waldo)

Yeah, Homeland Security will give us "Sinful Looks"

By closing the first snap on each ring, the belt can at least be tied to the cockring. INSTRUCTIONS: -Leather design with quick release offers safe play and sinful looks

French Tickler Earrings?

Just having a cockring dangling from your belt would be accessorizing, but actually using it as the keystone in your outfit is definitely wearing it. Having each side of the belt come in through the leather loop, and then back out over the top of the loop means your be-belted article of clothing is held on only by the small leather strap between the two, literal "cock-rings". Also, the next instruction is so lengthy and mind-blowing I will reserve an entire picture description to it next.

Surgeon General Recommended

Towards tying I just clipped each free end of the belt between the two snaps on each ring, fixing it in place to achieve belt functionality. Now then, to the instructions, the only reason you are reading these. Cockrings Caution: If you have symptoms of erectile dysfunction (i.e. inability to achieve an erection that is sufficient for sexual intercourse), consult your physician prior to using this device to avoid a potentially harmful delay in diagnosing any of the most common causes of this condition, such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cirrhosis of the liver, chronic renal failure, or alcoholism. BAM. Cockrings may help avoid a potentially harmful delay in diagnosing that you are an alcoholic. A disease unique among all diseases because you can be shouted at for having it. "Damnit Mike, you have lupus." "Damnit Mike, you are an alcoholic." Which of these does not belong?

Functional AND Stylish

By rakishly tossing one of the two ends back through the... shaft?... main thoroughfare?... ballroom?... you end up with this stylish way to hold a belt together. It will be all the rage in Paris I expect. INSTRUCTIONS: SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY! (Really? Did the lawyers make them say this? Are there cockring lawyers? Do you specialize in sex toy manufacturer defect litigation?)

And somehow familiar...

At this point I was overcome with a sense of deja-vu looking at what I had created. This unlikely device was reminiscent of something great, and perhaps terrible. INSTRUCTIONS: Proudly sponsored by the Free Speech Coalition

AND ELDRITCH!

AHHH! THE CTHULHU COCKRING IS GOING TO EAT MY SOUL! I hope for the sake of humanity that _is_ the first time that sentence has ever been written. INSTRUCTIONS: Made in India.

In the belly of the beast

I expected I could think of something funnier about the camera being attacked by a cthulhu cockring. Waldo? Cthulhu Cockring? Yeah, I don't get it either. (See: http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=mtgcom/arcana/696)

Any Photoshoppers Out There?

To demonstrate the fruition of my devious plan, I modeled the belt on my hat, to The Walrus' satisfaction. The Walrus: I can't help but think this would make an excellent cover for a very eclectic mystery novel (with SM undertones of course). Where's Waldo's Willy? Waldo With His Hat Off? Waldo: What?! You read those smutty nautical novels, full of euphemisms of sword fights, ships coming into port, suggestively billowing sails, and midwestern librarians discovering the soft and sensual side of a rugged pirate with a chateau, titled something like "Mutiny From Behind"?! REALLY? Yeah, I can see that. The Walrus: What?

The Walrus' Reconstruction

Here is the first attempt to recreate what Waldo had designed.

Communication Failure

Waldo asked for a shot from the side to work out if the knot was tied correctly. This was not sufficiently to the side. 3-D rotations are hard, and also non-commutative.

Side, or Top? Neck?

Without using Feynman Polynomials to define the structure topologically, we lacked the ability to define the knot tying process feasibly at a distance.

Fully costumed

I was terrified my parents might recognize my belt for what it is. Very luckily the flight was at the ungodly hour of six am.

Close-up

As it was, the only person who questioned my belt buckle was my mother. Luckily, she is apparently not up to date on the newest adult toys. Waldo: I actually kind of like The Walrus' innate fashion sense for cock-rings, as this knot seems much more fashionista inspired than my exhaustive search of topological knots turned up.

Safe!

We took a picture as soon after the checkpoint as we could. We actually asked a few of the security guards if we could pose with them, but they politely explained we couldn't, and that if we took pictures of the actual screening area our camera might be confiscated. At this point we realized the camera could not be seen by anyone in the family, lest we be confronted awkwardly.

The Walrus

I took this picture in the bathroom before removing the suspicious accessory. I didn't want to have to manage Canadian immigration with a cock ring belt. Also, every conversation I had had with someone that morning seemed punctuated by suspicious glances at my middle.

En Route

Look! The drinks know where we're going! In closing, I want to say to all of our impressionable readers a few short take-home messages. First of all, if you were offended by this praxis, you really should have stopped reading before you got to this point. Would've saved yourself a lot of adult themes and poor humor. Secondly, we do not endorse a lifestyle punctuated by safety words and ass-less chaps, largely because we don't want to need any variety of clamps to be happy. Thirdly,