15 + 1 points
Work is So Strange by Vena Nightmare
August 15th, 2010 11:18 AM
The following is adapted from an e-mail I sent my father describing my day at my relatively new job as a lifeguard. Since I just started this summer, this is the craziest thing that has happened to me so far.
---
Yeah so yesterday I had this seriously grueling day at work, I was taking a shift for someone else since I'm not scheduled with anything till I get back from Oregon. There was this GIANT spider that I had to take care of, you know, handle the situation. I was totally awesome. Cuz you know, I have this complete irrational fear of spider thing going on, like a phobia and all, and I just can't stand them. Actually, I don't really have a fear of them, since I know that only the Black Widow and the Brown Recluse can kill me, but man I just totally hate them. They are just so ugggggh SHUDDER.
Yeah so anyway the pool had just opened up and this lady was like hey, you might wanna take care of this spider over here, so you know, it doesn't get in the pool and all. and I was like, MAN YOU GOT THIS VENA YOU CAN HANDLE IT ITS OKAY. Cuz I didn't wanna look the total pansy in front of all my colleagues and this is my job as a lifeguard and I gotta handle this and life throws stuff at you and you just gotta take it in the face and pretend it didn't happen but later find some of the tide whitener for your clothes or something anyway.... So I went to go see what it was all about.
And my reaction was all FLIPPIN OUT WHAT THE FU- DUDE DO YOU SEE THE SIZE-OH MY GOD ITS LOOKING AT ME DUDEDUEDUDEDRUSAOIEHNFEOGLHEHIWRFDLIKEHFR. But like, that was all inside and I was all yeah I got this pssssh, giant demons from hell that are swollen with the blood of children and have fangs that are clearly dripping with the sort of venom that you can only find in like, the amazon or something, like we see that all the time. Pssh, no prob. yeah... So this thing in on the line, you know the floating line thing in the pool and luckily it's not too far from the pool side so I don't have to get in the water and have the high ground and stuff, but my only weapon is a net man. You know, one of those little nets you use to scoop fishies with. So you know, I got maybe 4 inches between me and the spider, no matter what I try to do. Anyway, I was glad for whatever I had had, anything is better than nothing but I was all like "If this thing is a brown recluse, I'm suing". I said this because the spider was BROWN SDLFKJEIFJHRIEHFR DUDE. I did eventually google what a brown recluse spider looks like and I don't think it was the spider at the pool BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE AGGGGH.
Okay yeah so any way what happens is this. Im trying to get the spider onto the net so I can throw the whole thing, net and all, out the window and so Im leaning over the pool and man just dude- I poke this thing with the net and it moves and ZILLIONS OF TINY BABY SPIDERS SWARM OUT FROM UNDER IT. Now I'm having a total freak out, as you can imagine. At this point I'm not even capable of human speech and my thoughts are all baaaaaahhhhhhgrahhhhhhhhhhflakdlfjdskfjsdkfjeiiiiiiaiaiaiaieeeeeeduuuuh, I'm like a zombie with turrets or something. Anyway, Right now the babies are not my concern because they are mostly drowning in the pool, my problem now is that I CANNOT FIND THE BIG ONE. This is a problem. Where did it go. When you cannot see it, it can be anywhere- and it is brown. wherewherewhere- and then, and then I see it. ITS ON THE NET. OH. MY. GOD. And it's not even on the inside of the net either, it's on the outside. And at this point I just lose it. I'm sure I was a strange sight, all horse-legged holding this net out like an atomic bomb, ever muscle in my body rigid and my gaze locked on the end of the net. It was freaky. I turned slowly and made for the window. Upon reaching the window I knocked the net on the sill and watch the spider fall and hit the ground AND RUN BACK TOWARDS ME. EFDPHDEFHOFEJHI IT"S STILL ALIVE. I had thought maybe I killed it or drowned it because it was all curled up on the net but no, this thing is perfectly alive and ready to get back inside THANK GOD THERE WAS A WALL RIGHT THERE. Made of glass. Hmm... Dunno. But it's babies must have had a few survive and so then there will be more and then we will all perish AND OH MY GOD.
Yeah so anyway that was right when we opened the pool up in the morning. I did feel really cool for being all like, yeah no biggie. But then I had the rest of the day to get to and it seemed to last so loooooong, man I'm really tired.
---
---
Yeah so yesterday I had this seriously grueling day at work, I was taking a shift for someone else since I'm not scheduled with anything till I get back from Oregon. There was this GIANT spider that I had to take care of, you know, handle the situation. I was totally awesome. Cuz you know, I have this complete irrational fear of spider thing going on, like a phobia and all, and I just can't stand them. Actually, I don't really have a fear of them, since I know that only the Black Widow and the Brown Recluse can kill me, but man I just totally hate them. They are just so ugggggh SHUDDER.
Yeah so anyway the pool had just opened up and this lady was like hey, you might wanna take care of this spider over here, so you know, it doesn't get in the pool and all. and I was like, MAN YOU GOT THIS VENA YOU CAN HANDLE IT ITS OKAY. Cuz I didn't wanna look the total pansy in front of all my colleagues and this is my job as a lifeguard and I gotta handle this and life throws stuff at you and you just gotta take it in the face and pretend it didn't happen but later find some of the tide whitener for your clothes or something anyway.... So I went to go see what it was all about.
And my reaction was all FLIPPIN OUT WHAT THE FU- DUDE DO YOU SEE THE SIZE-OH MY GOD ITS LOOKING AT ME DUDEDUEDUDEDRUSAOIEHNFEOGLHEHIWRFDLIKEHFR. But like, that was all inside and I was all yeah I got this pssssh, giant demons from hell that are swollen with the blood of children and have fangs that are clearly dripping with the sort of venom that you can only find in like, the amazon or something, like we see that all the time. Pssh, no prob. yeah... So this thing in on the line, you know the floating line thing in the pool and luckily it's not too far from the pool side so I don't have to get in the water and have the high ground and stuff, but my only weapon is a net man. You know, one of those little nets you use to scoop fishies with. So you know, I got maybe 4 inches between me and the spider, no matter what I try to do. Anyway, I was glad for whatever I had had, anything is better than nothing but I was all like "If this thing is a brown recluse, I'm suing". I said this because the spider was BROWN SDLFKJEIFJHRIEHFR DUDE. I did eventually google what a brown recluse spider looks like and I don't think it was the spider at the pool BUT HOW CAN I BE SURE AGGGGH.
Okay yeah so any way what happens is this. Im trying to get the spider onto the net so I can throw the whole thing, net and all, out the window and so Im leaning over the pool and man just dude- I poke this thing with the net and it moves and ZILLIONS OF TINY BABY SPIDERS SWARM OUT FROM UNDER IT. Now I'm having a total freak out, as you can imagine. At this point I'm not even capable of human speech and my thoughts are all baaaaaahhhhhhgrahhhhhhhhhhflakdlfjdskfjsdkfjeiiiiiiaiaiaiaieeeeeeduuuuh, I'm like a zombie with turrets or something. Anyway, Right now the babies are not my concern because they are mostly drowning in the pool, my problem now is that I CANNOT FIND THE BIG ONE. This is a problem. Where did it go. When you cannot see it, it can be anywhere- and it is brown. wherewherewhere- and then, and then I see it. ITS ON THE NET. OH. MY. GOD. And it's not even on the inside of the net either, it's on the outside. And at this point I just lose it. I'm sure I was a strange sight, all horse-legged holding this net out like an atomic bomb, ever muscle in my body rigid and my gaze locked on the end of the net. It was freaky. I turned slowly and made for the window. Upon reaching the window I knocked the net on the sill and watch the spider fall and hit the ground AND RUN BACK TOWARDS ME. EFDPHDEFHOFEJHI IT"S STILL ALIVE. I had thought maybe I killed it or drowned it because it was all curled up on the net but no, this thing is perfectly alive and ready to get back inside THANK GOD THERE WAS A WALL RIGHT THERE. Made of glass. Hmm... Dunno. But it's babies must have had a few survive and so then there will be more and then we will all perish AND OH MY GOD.
Yeah so anyway that was right when we opened the pool up in the morning. I did feel really cool for being all like, yeah no biggie. But then I had the rest of the day to get to and it seemed to last so loooooong, man I'm really tired.
---
