15 + 10 points
Dream Resume by Captain January
February 10th, 2007 6:53 PM
The following resume has been posted to craigslist.
Thank you for considering me for this position.
Philip Douglas Harjung
37 Rue de la Bucherie
Paris, France
101 - 3003135
OBJECTIVE
To stop famous singer Tom Jones knocking on my door and asking to sell magazine subscriptions.
EDUCATION
Left school after embarrassing incident involving unplanned nakedness.
Plan to return for Anthropology degree when this interminable Spanish Civil War allows it.
Was told by several distinguished faculty whose names would impress you that I had "a gift."
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
- Avalanche Tester, 2004 to present [maybe once a month, when I'm anxious or the heat isn't working]
This position involves going to snowy mountains and yelled a lot, ensuring safe control of avalanches. Yeti are a constant threat to job security. Use of innovative technology to poke mountains with a stick.
- Purple Moose Acid Guide, 2002-2006
I helped a talking Purple Moose enjoy his first acid experience at a forest animals party.
- Incredibly Talented Writer, 1920-1933
During my tenure as an Incredibly Talented Writer, I was the toast of Paris society and a close personal friend and confidante of Gertrude Stein. I left this position after dying in a fiery ambulance crash.
- Squire to Knight Errant, circa 1600
Rode on faithful donkey through several regions of Spain in effort to assist Don Quixote (employer) in knight errantry and various adventures. Requires working knowledge of animal care, geography and wine, and a fairly vast repository of earthy, proverbial wisdom.
RELATED EXPERIENCE
I believe that, as a result of my combined past experiences, I am uniquely qualified for the position of convincing Tom Jones to no longer visit my doorstep.
If given this position, my complaints will take on a special pleading quality that may, in my estimation, prove very effective in making Tom Jones leave. I am personally invested in this issue, in no small part because the doorstep is mine, and I wish to see this project through to fruition. Also, I simply can't stand Tom Jones.
Thank you for considering me for this position.
Philip Douglas Harjung
37 Rue de la Bucherie
Paris, France
101 - 3003135
OBJECTIVE
To stop famous singer Tom Jones knocking on my door and asking to sell magazine subscriptions.
EDUCATION
Left school after embarrassing incident involving unplanned nakedness.
Plan to return for Anthropology degree when this interminable Spanish Civil War allows it.
Was told by several distinguished faculty whose names would impress you that I had "a gift."
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
- Avalanche Tester, 2004 to present [maybe once a month, when I'm anxious or the heat isn't working]
This position involves going to snowy mountains and yelled a lot, ensuring safe control of avalanches. Yeti are a constant threat to job security. Use of innovative technology to poke mountains with a stick.
- Purple Moose Acid Guide, 2002-2006
I helped a talking Purple Moose enjoy his first acid experience at a forest animals party.
- Incredibly Talented Writer, 1920-1933
During my tenure as an Incredibly Talented Writer, I was the toast of Paris society and a close personal friend and confidante of Gertrude Stein. I left this position after dying in a fiery ambulance crash.
- Squire to Knight Errant, circa 1600
Rode on faithful donkey through several regions of Spain in effort to assist Don Quixote (employer) in knight errantry and various adventures. Requires working knowledge of animal care, geography and wine, and a fairly vast repository of earthy, proverbial wisdom.
RELATED EXPERIENCE
I believe that, as a result of my combined past experiences, I am uniquely qualified for the position of convincing Tom Jones to no longer visit my doorstep.
If given this position, my complaints will take on a special pleading quality that may, in my estimation, prove very effective in making Tom Jones leave. I am personally invested in this issue, in no small part because the doorstep is mine, and I wish to see this project through to fruition. Also, I simply can't stand Tom Jones.
This task continues to amuse.