personal ads: ( i really think i found some winners )

1. from craigslist (chicago) Are you an actuary?
Date: 2006-09-14, 11:19AM CDT


I’ve given a bit of thought to what kind of man I want to date, and I’ve determined that an actuary would be a good match for me.

(Yes, I’m serious.)

So, why an actuary?

Let’s not beat around the bush: I love nerds. Actuaries know math in and out. They take half-days on Friday to study for their CAS/SOA tests. Their analytical skills are top-notch. Now add to it that they need decent social skills to meet the job’s communications requirements. In sum, actuaries are well-rounded business people who know how to write formulas.

Math + Business = HOT

And why would an actuary be interested in me?

*

I’m fiercely independent. When you’re busy studying, I’m not going to distract you by calling every 15 minutes to see if you’re done yet. I have a great group of friends I see regularly, read a few books per week, run marathons, sing in a chorus, and volunteer in my spare time. I’m always on the go, and I’d love someone with similar time commitments who will appreciate that I’m not in your business all the time.

*

I’m stable. Career, home owner, good friends, well-read, healthy lifestyle, educated, debt-free, hobbies and outside interests, church membership, no criminal record or mental health issues, etc., etc., etc.

*

I’m posting an ad in a public forum saying that being an actuary is a turn-on. How often does that happen?

2. craigslist seattle

My hot neighbors - can we please have a menage a trois? w4mw
Date: 2006-08-28, 5:10PM PDT


OK, so maybe you two don't FEEL hot. You don't act like you think you're all that. You act normal. You take your kids to school, you putter around the garden. You probably cook normal, child-friendly meals and fight over finances.

But you are hot. Both of you. I don't recall ever wanting to have sex with any neighbors, ever. And I feel kind of wrong about it, too, seeing as how you are married with kids, and fine and upstanding citizens and all.

But you're both freaking CUTE. I like you, husband-man, with your coloring and dimples. And you, wifey, for your attitude, pretty hair, and ample bossoms.

I don't know - should I have you over for a glass of wine and then give you a "tour" of my "house"? Would our relationship be forever soured if we all jumped on my queen-sized bed and just started going at it? Should I spend more time standing naked in front of my picture windows? Do you guys even KNOW about craigslist?

3. craigslist portland

You: creepy old guy with a ponytail - w4m
Date: 2006-08-24, 1:15PM PDT


You: Middle aged man sporting a long graying ponytail while walking downtown Portland this afternoon. You were wearing a tacky hawaiian print t-shirt and Oakleys that were most likely purchased in the late 80's to early 90's.

Me: A dose of reality.

You thought you were looking pretty smooth this afternoon as you strutted your stuff down 5th avenue, repeatedly looking behind you and eying the innocent young girl that was trying to mind her own business. After about six or seven times of stopping and turning around to stare, you pulled a fast one and decided to let her pass you, allowing yourself the convenience of staring at her ass as you made your way down the sidewalk. There you walked, breathing heavily like a creepy old pervert with asthma, getting your fill of an ass so young it could easily be your daughter's. You didn't notice the quickness in the girl's pace as you began hitting on her (while her heels once made a soft click...click on the pavement, they were now at a more persistent click-click-click, as she attempted to avoid you. You have no idea how hard it is to speedwalk in heels!).

You asked the girl if she knew where the nearest leather shop was. You've got some boots that need work. You know, motorcycle boots. You have a motorcycle. You like to ride motorcycles. Does she?

Your efforts were thwarted as your victim darted sideways into an office building, escaping further harassment by mere seconds.

Listen, unfortunate looking old guy with a ponytail, not even Fabio could pull off a creepy pick-up move like that. If you keep doing that someday you might get a swift kick to the nuts (you have no idea how painful a heel to the nuts could be!). Please, to avoid future humiliation, stick to picking up your women at Wal-Mart and biker bars. The hairier they are, the more willing they will be to go home and sleep with you. Also, try to make sure they're legal (since you seem to like the young ones).

Have a nice day.

4. craigslist new york

Boyfriend with AC needed - w4m
Date: 2006-07-31, 6:40PM EDT


I am looking for a moderately attractive man between the ages of 18 and 40 who has air conditioning in his bedroom. As the temperature is slated to reach in the 100s this week, my need for a boyfriend with air conditioning is especially pertinent.

This arrangement is intended for the month of August, however, an indian summer may extend our relationship.

If all goes well, I could offer warmth in the winter.

P.S. No fatties.

5. craigslist seattle

In the tree outside your apartment - m4w
Date: 2006-07-20, 12:56PM PDT


I was the guy in the tree outside your apartment last night around 1:30 AM.
I knew you would be coming back from the pub, as I saw you go out with your friends. I just wanted to see you again, but closer and more personal than my binoculars will let me. You are absolutely stunning and seem like a wonderful person. Oh, don't let anyone tell you different, picking up your underwear with your toes and putting them in your hamper IS a skill. And I think it is cowgirl cute the way you wave your bra around like a lasso when you dance.

I am sorry I couldn't stay longer, but there was that moment, it was ever so brief, when our eyes met, it means so much to me and I hope it does for you too. But it was the combination of your high pitched scream of joy and the siren about 5 minutes later that made me leave. I thought the siren was from a fire truck and I would hate to be stuck in a tree that gets caught on fire.

Now it seems that your blinds are always closed, what happened? Are you sad and just need some darkness in your apartment? Why not let the stars shine in, I sure would like to see you again.

Kisses






i know its long but some of these are hilarious. makes me think i should start writing these to every creep who annoys me in hopes they will read them