In which I abuse toothpaste in accordance with Einsteinian physics.

Time is relative. Time varies in different places. Time is affected by gravity. In fact, your head is slightly older than your feet because of Earth's gravity beneath you. So I'm propping my feet up now to ensure they last longer, but I also accelerated an aging process while I was at it.

One moment.

There.

So I went into my bathroom and replaced my toothpaste. The old one had to go, so I dropped it into the trash can, bringing it closer to Earth's gravity and thus accelerating its aging process by a few picoseconds.

In between "One moment." and "There." I got up, reluctantly returned my feet to the ground, and went back to the bathroom. I picked up the toothpaste and hung it in the air for a moment, slightly decelerating its aging process. Then, I threw it in the air violently to generate a brief burst of accelerated time in its decelerated state. After one of my two cats realized it wasn't a toy, I took it downstairs and threw it away again, closer to the surface of the Earth. I then washed my hands.

So I decelerated an aging process, accelerated another, accelerated it again while it was being decelerated in the middle of recording it, and finally reaccelerated it.

I'm a temporal madman.