15 + 5 points
Microfiction by hexahubris
August 20th, 2007 9:45 AM
here it is:
the night flutters out like a pigeon on the city streets like in a city where the whores are lined up like machines in some far away factory I hear the screams of the street, the musical rape of drums down the alley where the junkies are doing heroin, lights and colors we seek the knowledge like ginsberg used to not say no one is anyone unless they are someone in this world but those pigeons begin to burst like little leaves in cherry trees they pop and flow like twisted wire on the pavement the drums boom on as the sound penetrates the ears the junkies look up for a second down the alley you can see for miles the whole world is in that valley like a landscape of noise and sex and murder and drugs we walk through the piles of needles and dead hookers towards what was once the 7/11 now a Babylon of scattered crack pipes and broken TV sets.
I long for the place I once called reason.
the night flutters out like a pigeon on the city streets like in a city where the whores are lined up like machines in some far away factory I hear the screams of the street, the musical rape of drums down the alley where the junkies are doing heroin, lights and colors we seek the knowledge like ginsberg used to not say no one is anyone unless they are someone in this world but those pigeons begin to burst like little leaves in cherry trees they pop and flow like twisted wire on the pavement the drums boom on as the sound penetrates the ears the junkies look up for a second down the alley you can see for miles the whole world is in that valley like a landscape of noise and sex and murder and drugs we walk through the piles of needles and dead hookers towards what was once the 7/11 now a Babylon of scattered crack pipes and broken TV sets.
I long for the place I once called reason.
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posted by Lank on August 20th, 2007 11:02 AM
It's not my place to critique, but if I were to, I'd say kudos for the bold choice of using a poetic voice in quasi-prosaic format.
posted by The Vixen on August 20th, 2007 8:39 PM
Haha, you haven't really seen when I get in the critique zone. Check out Dakaardvark's macrofiction piece. Fortunately, he appreciated my review of it. I'm sorry, I can't help but delve into a piece of first drafted fiction...
Interesting imagery. Good use of metaphor. However, as it seems you're going for the non-punctuation scheme, try to maintain the flow so that the breaks in the rhythm aren't so apparent. When holding off on the punctuation, it's ok to use commas to indicate line breaks when there isn't any other word to connect the two statements. For example:
"...the whores are lined up like machines in some far away factory (,) I hear screams of the street." Ginsberg is very liberal with his commas, a crucial tool for polishing up his stream of consciousness style. Also, make sure you proof read your piece before submitting it. A couple words are left out here and there.
Overall, a nice glimpse into the mind of hexahubris, a newbie to SF0. Welcome!
(by the way, you could do without the last line since the second to last statement ended so powerfully)