Sfosegine and I were in the army academy together.

I was late for P.E. class at the swimming pool, but the truly frightening thing was that Sfosegine was later than me.

The teacher took it easy on me because I was wearing a string bikini (standard army issue). All I had to do was sit in the Greek foreign exchange student's lap and let him touch my butt.

He said, "It's so crunchy".

And I was thinking, "Crunchy? This jamoke must have bowls of cereal for hands".

The teacher (who, by the way, looked like the love child of my high school gym teacher and Mike Ditka) wasn't so nice to Sfosegine. He had her standing in about three feet of water at the shallow end with flourescent children's floaties around her ankles and was telling her to do a forward somersault before commencing on a series of freestyle laps.

And I was thinking, "She's gonna scrape her back on the bottom of the pool".

Sfosegine didn't say a word, but tried again and again even though the floaties created too much drag and made her roll over on her side.

I had to stand up when the Greek started breathing down my neck.

And then I woke up.