The Step Down Performance

By the end of my stay in SF I was so used to the "Back Door" "Step Down" routine I began to wonder whether this could be manipulated into something more enjoyable. For those who don't know Muni buses require you to step down or push a bar to open the back doors when the bus stops, most tourists don't realise this so yell to the driver "back door!" to which any decent San Franciscan should rebut "step down" (or "push bar" on the newer buses).

One day (I suggest sometime in November or December when it's a bit colder) Muni should hire a group of choreographers to ride on every single Muni bus serving downtown between 7:30am and 9am, they are there to teach commuters "The Step Down Performance". The first thing commuters are told is that the first rule of the Step Down Performance is that you never talk about the Step Down Performance. Next a routine is taught to the entire bus and then practiced before the bus reaches downtown, leaflets may be given out.

I invisage something along the lines of:

"Back door!"

"S"
"T"
"E"
"P"

"Step, I saaaay step"

"D"
"O"
"W"
"N"

"Down, d, d, d, down"

"Step Down!"

"Foo'"

Something cheerleadery and easy to manage, nothing too complex but something that will bring a smile to the faces of tourists and commuters alike. Hm. Perhaps pom poms should be provided under the seats and .. a dance routine maybe. No. Adam, be realistic for heaven's sake.

A Few Other Ideas

Better information at bus stops wouldn't go amiss. I mean when you get to one all you can have is a map showing the whole city and it can take ages to work out where abouts your bus goes, where it transfers and which neighbourhoods it serves and even longer to find out how to get to the nearest BART or Muni metro station. Equally there is no decent local coverage on the maps making it hard to work out where the local stops and attractions are. Now this is more serious than my original suggestion so I made a mock up for it (which you can see below, click to full size). I also emailed Muni about it as I felt it was leaning more towards Fixing than just suggesting. After all there isn't much I can do to fix things now I'm back in grotty Yarmouth.

Another suggestion of mine was to have a British announcer for the buses, don't you think that would be classier? I stuck an MP3 in below of me doing some of the announcements and I just think it would be smoother than that American voice you guys have at the moment. I'm sure you agree.

Furthermore I love the way Muni gives names to their buses a la 31 Balboa or 22 Filmore. These make sense as they encompass the streets they run down. However, don't make as much sense and in these I think there is fun to be had. I think they should be renamed with proper names:
M Ocean View => M Gregory
9 San Bruno => 9 Katherine
30X Marina Express => 30X Juan
29 Sunset => 29 Walter
53 Southern Heights => 53 Alanna
89 Laguna Honda => 89 Shortass
I would set up a board to suggest names that these routes 'feel like' and determine whether they were masculine or feminine and then I would put it to the vote as to which name is finally chosen. Perhaps draw smilely faces on the front of them, give them different voices depending on the sex. Stuff it. Logic isn't important why not rename the entire bus network? It would be much more fun to get on a 14 Louise than a 14 Mission. Plus with my new poster idea you wouldn't need the names to work out where they go.



My final suggestion is Muni the Worm. Muni's very own kid mascot. It's basically the passive-agressive, psychotic embodiment of the thoughts of a thousand angry commuters. I imagine it would be on posters with slogans such as "San Francisco is no place for kids" or just simply "If you cry you leave". What better way to express the inner thoughts of people? If I was a kid I'd be shit-scared of Muni the Worm and would probably be a bit quieter rather than crying or playing tinny music or pointing out everything along the route.

I'm not much of a 'kid person' can you tell?

I want more suggestions. I am really wanting to hear people's ideas for improving Muni whether stupid or serious, it's something that really intrigues me the ideas that spring to you whilst sat staring out of the window on Van Ness or being attacked by a guy with a buggy full of bags.