15 points
Junk Mail by jack knife
September 26th, 2006 9:18 PM
Jack says:
I really don't get much mail. My email is on a private server, I don't have a credit card, and my name isn't on any of the bills. I invited Alice Gray to collaborate with me since she's old and owns stuff, and has much funnier spam. Anyway, here's what we got:
Jack -- Nothin'. No really. I don't even have a spam filter. Where's the love?
Alice -- sigh. fine. you can have all the mail that's marked "resident." happy?
Unfiltered e-spam:
1) A $200,000 home loan for "only" $917/month
2) A pill for "BETTER SEOX MORE OFTEN!" (Tempting: I always need more socks.) product name, "soft cialis". (x5)
3) Stock tips for morons. specifically for "TFZP", "CRSVF" (x2), "KGLJ" (x2)
4) Some kind of real estate offer (unspeficied) from "C redit Math Specialists" (x2)
5) "Please choose your Free* Laptop from" (x2)
6) "We only sell premium watches, with 90% discount..." (x2)
7) "Follow the directions below to receive your guaranteed* cash now." GroupLotto.
8) Azoldket. "Get ready to be stopped by women in the street. Your entire image will emanate increased size!" I think they're talking about genitals, but not sure. Most chicks I know don't want to be stopped in the street because of their increased size. (x4)
9) various "enhancement" medications and downers all at once. (x2)
10) Anatrim. "...the social stigmata [sic] attached to fat people." HI-larious. (x2)
TOTAL: 26 messages, 10 tactics/products
From the spam filter:
1) Anatrim, see above (x2)
2) Stock tips for morons, "TFZP"
3) An interesting and semi-sophisticated phishing attempt pretending to be from eBay (which I do not use) (x4)
TOTAL: 7 messages, 3 tactics/products.
[...clearly I need to update my spam filter. Incidentally, a lot of the spam went to a livejournal account. You'd get more spamarific respect if you had one, Jack.]
paper mail:
For Jack, the unaddressed stuff:
Fliers:
1) "backsaveRx" mattresses
2) An age-progressed image of a girl missing since 1988 from Texas ("142 children featured have been safely recovered") ...and more tires. (x2)
3) A neighborhood newsletter for District 10 asking for volunteers for neighborhood cleanup, advising us about a board meeting, warning of an upcoming craft festival and bonfire, reminding us about the Zoo Boo (there's a small zoo at the end of the block,) and heralding the end of road construction for this year. Evidently we have a Block Nurse program for seniors. That's cool. One realtor advertises on the back page of this. Cool.
4) Supplement from the local paper, "Twin Cities Values." Long. I'll sum up:
grocery store, hardware store, drug store, premium tires, used cars, weight watchers, the Better Business Bureau, some classified job ads, furniture, real estate, lawn care, siding, sears, carpeting, eyeglasses, a water park, a steakhouse, a grocery delivery service, hamburgers, and diamond jewelry.
Catalog:
1) Eastbay, "the Athletic SportSource" [good luck with that, Jack. you don't have feet! -- Alice]
Envelope:
1) from "Union Gospel Mission Twin Cities" an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and an opportunity to donate $26.32 (or more) to feed 14 meals to the homeless.
For Alice:
Catalog:
1) Garnet Hill, "original design for home and fashion" -- I've told them not to send them, my stepmother asked for something for a gift from that store once. At least the photography is pretty.
Envelopes:
1) ACLU wants me to join their Legacy Challenge. Nice paper, too. (x2)
2) My alma mater politely inquires whether I have an extra 15 grand to sponsor a scholarship. Extra nice paper, full color printing. (So THAT'S what college deans are paid to do.) [So stop trying to make me feel inadequate; at least you have feet. -- Jack]
3) American Arts Action Fund offers me membership for $20 or more, and will send me a "first edition" totebag if I take and return a survey as well. Aw. although the postage says "nonprofit," the fine print on the background says they're incorporated and that donations are not tax-exempt, though 100% of profits (undefined) go to a charitable Arts organization. I'm confused.
4) Bank of America. Damn them, I told them not to send me these things -- a promotional APR through next August, and a page of blank checks (security risk AND bad financial management!) Envelope also offers several cheapass gadgets as a "thank you" and an ad for a music system.
Total: 15 pieces of spam, one of them a security hazard, the rest still flammable. Some actually interesting information about the local community. Some amusing, sad misdirected direct mail attempts. Evidently no local bookstore sales this week.
We are thrilled to say that in the last two days we have had no phone promotions, since there's no landline.
I really don't get much mail. My email is on a private server, I don't have a credit card, and my name isn't on any of the bills. I invited Alice Gray to collaborate with me since she's old and owns stuff, and has much funnier spam. Anyway, here's what we got:
Jack -- Nothin'. No really. I don't even have a spam filter. Where's the love?
Alice -- sigh. fine. you can have all the mail that's marked "resident." happy?
Unfiltered e-spam:
1) A $200,000 home loan for "only" $917/month
2) A pill for "BETTER SEOX MORE OFTEN!" (Tempting: I always need more socks.) product name, "soft cialis". (x5)
3) Stock tips for morons. specifically for "TFZP", "CRSVF" (x2), "KGLJ" (x2)
4) Some kind of real estate offer (unspeficied) from "C redit Math Specialists" (x2)
5) "Please choose your Free* Laptop from" (x2)
6) "We only sell premium watches, with 90% discount..." (x2)
7) "Follow the directions below to receive your guaranteed* cash now." GroupLotto.
8) Azoldket. "Get ready to be stopped by women in the street. Your entire image will emanate increased size!" I think they're talking about genitals, but not sure. Most chicks I know don't want to be stopped in the street because of their increased size. (x4)
9) various "enhancement" medications and downers all at once. (x2)
10) Anatrim. "...the social stigmata [sic] attached to fat people." HI-larious. (x2)
TOTAL: 26 messages, 10 tactics/products
From the spam filter:
1) Anatrim, see above (x2)
2) Stock tips for morons, "TFZP"
3) An interesting and semi-sophisticated phishing attempt pretending to be from eBay (which I do not use) (x4)
TOTAL: 7 messages, 3 tactics/products.
[...clearly I need to update my spam filter. Incidentally, a lot of the spam went to a livejournal account. You'd get more spamarific respect if you had one, Jack.]
paper mail:
For Jack, the unaddressed stuff:
Fliers:
1) "backsaveRx" mattresses
2) An age-progressed image of a girl missing since 1988 from Texas ("142 children featured have been safely recovered") ...and more tires. (x2)
3) A neighborhood newsletter for District 10 asking for volunteers for neighborhood cleanup, advising us about a board meeting, warning of an upcoming craft festival and bonfire, reminding us about the Zoo Boo (there's a small zoo at the end of the block,) and heralding the end of road construction for this year. Evidently we have a Block Nurse program for seniors. That's cool. One realtor advertises on the back page of this. Cool.
4) Supplement from the local paper, "Twin Cities Values." Long. I'll sum up:
grocery store, hardware store, drug store, premium tires, used cars, weight watchers, the Better Business Bureau, some classified job ads, furniture, real estate, lawn care, siding, sears, carpeting, eyeglasses, a water park, a steakhouse, a grocery delivery service, hamburgers, and diamond jewelry.
Catalog:
1) Eastbay, "the Athletic SportSource" [good luck with that, Jack. you don't have feet! -- Alice]
Envelope:
1) from "Union Gospel Mission Twin Cities" an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and an opportunity to donate $26.32 (or more) to feed 14 meals to the homeless.
For Alice:
Catalog:
1) Garnet Hill, "original design for home and fashion" -- I've told them not to send them, my stepmother asked for something for a gift from that store once. At least the photography is pretty.
Envelopes:
1) ACLU wants me to join their Legacy Challenge. Nice paper, too. (x2)
2) My alma mater politely inquires whether I have an extra 15 grand to sponsor a scholarship. Extra nice paper, full color printing. (So THAT'S what college deans are paid to do.) [So stop trying to make me feel inadequate; at least you have feet. -- Jack]
3) American Arts Action Fund offers me membership for $20 or more, and will send me a "first edition" totebag if I take and return a survey as well. Aw. although the postage says "nonprofit," the fine print on the background says they're incorporated and that donations are not tax-exempt, though 100% of profits (undefined) go to a charitable Arts organization. I'm confused.
4) Bank of America. Damn them, I told them not to send me these things -- a promotional APR through next August, and a page of blank checks (security risk AND bad financial management!) Envelope also offers several cheapass gadgets as a "thank you" and an ad for a music system.
Total: 15 pieces of spam, one of them a security hazard, the rest still flammable. Some actually interesting information about the local community. Some amusing, sad misdirected direct mail attempts. Evidently no local bookstore sales this week.
We are thrilled to say that in the last two days we have had no phone promotions, since there's no landline.
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posted by jack knife on September 27th, 2006 10:54 AM
she was slightly ticked to find that as well, but it's a one-player task. ha. same with the animated gif, although it looks like that one hasn't always been one-player. wtf.
posted by alice gray on September 27th, 2006 1:39 PM
Yeah, we don't go to the zoo much there. It isn't the "good zoo." There's a polar bear that has done nothing but back somersaults in his little pool for the last five years at least. He must be totally insane.
The plant conservatory is nice, though, especially in the winter,
posted by anna one on September 27th, 2006 10:09 PM
bummer! Maybe one of the architects of the game can help... hmm...
I always feel bad for the crazy animals in the zoo-prisons... nice to have a 'good zoo' and a 'zoo on my block' to choose from, however- I still say, lucky you!
"BETTER SEOX" was my favorite...
...although I wish I had a zoo at the end of my block!
(how come Alice isn't listed as a collaborator?)