As you may or may not know, the Navy has a zero tolerence policy on hazing. We never haze anyone under any circumstances, ever. Blood wings, crossing the line ceremonies, tacking on crows, chiefs' initiation - nope, not hazing. No siree. All of the above are fine Navy traditions, not hazing. And hey, Chiefs' initiations have now become known as "transition," so of course it can't possibly be considered hazing. Even if the exact things happen in "transition" as in "initiation." Therefore, I have no knowledge of any hazing that might occur in the Navy. But, it is possible that I might have once heard a rumor about a way of welcoming new crew to the shop which may have involved duct tape. This is just a rumor. We ITs and ETs would never duct tape a new guy to a chair, or duct tape him and throw him out into a p-way, or duct tape him to a ceiling light fixture. Never. And we certainly wouldn't take pictures of such a thing.

When deciding how to "initiate" a new player, I fell back on these vague rumors and decided that whatever the task, it would have to involve duct tape. But since I couldn't duct tape them, I would have to get them to duct tape themselves. That in mind, I found three relatively new EquivalenZ members and sent them the following message:

---- Neko Totoro on Feb 10 9:19 pm----

Greetings new EquivalenZ member,

If you are feeling up to a challenge, I have a secret task for you - Fake your own kidnapping. Just send documentation of you tying yourself up in some fashion - duct tape works best for pure flashiness. Remember, it's not enough just to show pictures of the end result; you have to also document that you were the one who did the dirty deed. Once completed, I will make sure points are awarded appropriately.

Keep up the good work,

Neko Totoro

So far, I have gotten only one response - but what a response!

HA! sweet. I'm on it. Do I need to disguise myself so I dont know who is kidnapping me? Do I need to send a note or a video to anyone outlying the dire situation I have put myself into with a list of demands? Do I need to dissapear for a wile just to make it more convincing? Does this have anything to do with "The Mysterious Collaboration"?
-c

---- POON POON on Feb 16 9:04 am----

Hey Neko,

Ok so here is my plan. Interject or alter anything you think is appropriate for whatever it is I am blindly doing for you (my assumption is "Task Swap", but I really have no idea)

I have a packet with a fake mustache and eyebrows which I will wear wile I document myself paying several masked thugs. The thugs will then back jack me in the Wal-Mart parking lot and throw me into the back of a truck.

I will record myself in tying myself up. Ill get video of me sitting down in a char in a garage with nothing on but a pillowcase over my head with a smiley face drawn on it begging that "you should do whatever these people want...etc". I’ll Photoshop a picture of myself in the mustache threatening myself in the char. Ill make a ransom note of words cut and pasted from websites demanding "Nachos, a copy of Fletch Lives and a naked picture of your mother". I will then email all of it to everyone I know in SF.

---- Neko Totoro on Feb 17 2:04 pm----

WOW! Definitely above and beyond my expectations!

I have to say - BE CAREFUL!!!!!! Do not hurt yourself. Do not suffocate yourself. Do not let me read about some guy found taped to a chair. ECT!!!!!!!

Please promise me you'll have someone there watching out for you. Maybe the "thugs" throwing you into the back of a truck? And don't get banged up being thrown into a truck!

PS - expect to be kept for a while - I'm not sure any copies of Fletch Lives exist anymore...
******************************
hey hey,

ok im almost done. I will have everything in the next day or two. I've scratched the "clubbing" idea and decided to stick with the actual ransom video and photos. I still need to edit the video and email everything out. How do you want me to submit the proof? I have alot of photos and the video will probably be around 2M so If i need to send everything to you I'll need an email addy to do that.

Fear not, no poons were harmed in the making of this task. :)
-pp

********************************


Next, Mr. Poon emailed his friends a ransom note and this:

His spirit is already broken. His life is soon to follow. If you doubt our varacity see this video for proof.
Once all of our demands are met send proof to this email and drop instructions will be given.
DO NOT GO TO THE ATHORATIES (they will just laugh at you)
We feel that if you all work hard together you should have this taken care of in no time and we can go back to our lives like nothing ever happened.
We want the movies in either digial or dvd format, none of this outdated technology bull-shit!

*********************
Here are the responses of his "friends:"

Anyone got the address to send substitutes for the requested items? ;)
I'm thinking a couple sticks of butter for the corn via USPS to show
the kidnappers that we're not ready to give up Clue and Fletch Lives
without further proof that he is alive and well.
-Ed
*************************
I like how Chris posted the video, under his own alias on youtube, and also has a photo of himself, disguised poorly, wearing his own scarf.
http://sf0.org/tasks/Kidnap-Me-Gently/
The task reads, kidnap another player, you can't kidnap yourself. Chris sucks at this and should be shot.
http://sf0.org/tasks/Ransom/
I also don't remember leaving Chris behind, in a public place.
**************************
(TSK TSK RUBIN - Making Assumptions!!! -Neko note)
***********************
OMG I am so fucking confused what the hell is all this about?
***********************
Mwaahahahah! You know nothing Rubin. I am an evil mastermind and you are a fool.
The Clock Is ticking!
-CP
***********************
Your clock seems to have a few gears loose.
***********************
Davor supposedly has the bag of money ready. And a couple of us are going to try and find the esoteric sacred films now.
Anyone's mom a pronstar?
-Colin
**********************
We're using Rubin's mom, duh!!!!
**********************
First of all, we need to take the kidnapper off this email chain -
stop replying to poon!
Second, I think that posing neko w/ a sign of the telling bits that
says Rubin's Mom is clearly a job for Rubin.
**********************
(Neko instead of naked? A clarovoyent freudian slip? - Neko note)
**********************
I have this external drive full of other movies we could send, just to
be on the safe side. Was anyone's mom a hippie?
--D
**********************
We got the movie Clue, but they didn't have Fletch Lives. Can someone else go searching for that one?
Personally I think stick to their demands. Who knows if we send them other films we might send them a movie they hate which might just send them flying over the edge in rage.
Except. Except... maybe we should send Children of the Corn.
**********************
I think we should at least include a stick of butter or corn cob
holders with the shipment. I might have a copy (emphasis on copy) of
Fletch Lives sitting around on DVDR
We'll keep an eye out for it in the Haight though.
ps. Rubin says: "I hope he gets a corncob up his butt, fuck Chris"
**********************
(I love Rubin! - Neko note)
**********************
Rubin's such a hater. Hate the game not the poon.
**********************
I'm currently leeching "Fletch Lives" off the net, in an entirely legal fashion of course. Should be here in a day or two.
**********************
WOW! I can't thank you all enough for saving my man!!!!! He'll be so relieved! After all, a boy can only take so many cracks to the family jewels with corn...
**********************

What will happen next? Will the gang find a copy of Fletch Lives in time? Will Poon suffer further humiliation? Will Rubin swear some more? Will you, the viewer ever get to see the mysterious video? The answer to all these questions and more will have to wait for a different task mwaa haaaa haaa


WOW! First let me say - POON IS AWESOME! Second, yes I am sad no duct tape was used, but as we say in the military "close enough for government work"

I hope I get a "Rubin Hates it" photo!!!!