CartMaster Chris and I have been together for years. Years + Years. Which, yes, in case you were wondering, is four. Over One fifth of my lifetime. We mesh very well together; ask anyone who has ever seen us interact. And though we bicker often (honestly, who doesn't?) there have only been three fights that cut me deeply enough to shatter the person I was and make who I am not, and perhaps not in the best of ways.

One of them was about my writing.

I have been writing on fanfiction under various names since I was 11. I got to be actually rather good, and it was something that I used to define my life and character by. Something special to me, something that made me who I was.

Chris, unfortunately, thinking that he was doing what was best for me, began to belittle me about writing fanfiction whilst trying to encourage me about writing more serious pieces of work. His idea worked... sort of. I can no longer write the way I once did. Something in me died as he told me horrible things, things that I no he really didn't mean, things that shook me to my core and made me question myself.

It was probably one of the most pin-pointable life changing events to happen to me, and it continues to be a source of arguments in our relationship.

Over these last few weeks, we had been separated, and in an attempt to undo the damage he had done, Chris sat down and read my stories, for the first time, with an eye to appreciate rather than condescend simply for their genre. He told me that he found them to be very good, but my blood had already been pounding.

How DARE he?! I thought. HOW DARE HE!? He didn't ask my permission; he just went through my laptop that he was borrowing and began to rifle through it to find things that were very personal to me! One of them was actually simply the beginning of a diary entry, not a story!

The row that followed was spectacular, and quite nearly fatal for our relationship. Finally though, I took a deep breath, and realized what Chris was trying so hard to do.

He was trying to undo all the damage he had caused me, in any tiny way he could, and I, being the fool that I am, was hindering him in his attempts to show his loyalty to me... even questioning him.

So I sat down and did what I told myself I would never do.

I wrote a short story, just for him.

It was quite charged with emotion (as you will see if you chose to read it; it is to follow) as I was still running on my anger adrenaline when I wrote it. Ultimately, though, it was was my attempt to display my loyalties to him.

Biting back my fear, I emailed it to him, and instead of telling me I was wasting my time, like I was afraid he would, he got started exactly where I had hoped he would have been four years ago; praising it for its content, criticizing it for its errors.

We lost those four years, and we can't get them back, but the damage that had been done is beginning to recede, and what was once a vicious scar on my soul is fading... in to joy.

So enjoy if you can. It is very personal to me, but it IS unedited, so don't expect perfection, especially since it was written while I was so high with emotions.

Je T'aime, Moi Non Plus

Selah Bale


The argument had truly been their last, David Flynn realized with a sigh as he began to, in earnest, look at for rent ads in the apartment section of the newspaper. He had resigned himself to spend a week, perhaps two at the most, in this shoddy hotel, before Cassidy Lowes came to her senses and realized that she had been a damn fool and would do well enough to realize how little bearing her upbringing had on her life now. He knew that she had her fair share of problems as a teenager – really, who hadn’t? - but the fact that she continuously kept bringing her past forward in to their relationship had only hindered them from taking the next step. The ring he had bought her had quite nearly burned a hole in his pocket. He had kept searching, planning, trying to create the perfect moment, to make it something special for her, but every time he tried, something got in the way. Usually, she got in her own way. He insisted, although until very, very recently, only to himself, that she had no idea how to build a life for herself without first discovering who she really was and what she desired. It was worth an attempt, in any case.

He had tried to explain such to her, and it had stirred the row that had landed him here. He had picked up the paper only out of spite, at first, thinking that she would come to her senses as she always did, and make contact, at which time he would apologize for whatever she had thought he had down wrong, and the whole messy ordeal would be put behind them. She rarely stayed angry for more than an evening, a day or two at most, but the days had turned in to a week, and then two, and then three, and David forced himself to realize that maybe this time, she had had enough of him. The thought shook him to his core.

He wasn’t sure what had gotten her in to a huff the day that the argument had begun, but he knew what had lit the fire under him. Her, making her insinuations. That they were never going to move on in their relationship. That she couldn’t spend her life in a dingy one bedroom apartment forever. That he was, eventually, going to have to make something out of himself. It grated on him, gnawed at him. Hadn’t he scrimped and saved for months to buy the diamond that should be on her finger by now? Never mind that she didn’t know it, it still irked him beyond belief. He had tried. He made efforts. He moved mountains for Cassie, and still, she remained magnanimous. It wasn’t long, however, before the root of the problem came to the surface; his ex-fiance, whom had recently taken a post at his job.

Charlotte Bilbow. Pretty little Lottie, who had left him standing at the alter on their wedding day. It had always rubbed Cassie the wrong way that he would have been married, had committed himself to another woman, but in the seven years that they had been dating, hadn’t even hinted at making the same commitments with her. He had explained himself, time and again, as all her other friends got married and had children, that he just wasn’t ready to put himself in that vulnerable position again. That when he promised himself to someone again, he was going to make sure that this time, it wouldn’t be thrown back in his face.

If he were to be entirely honest with himself, he knew that Cassie’s fears were not completely and totally unfounded. It was true that he still had a small kernel of affection deep in his heart for Charlotte. A small seed of love that he had never fully been able to let die. She had left him, after all, the man who had been planning on spending the rest of his life with her, standing at an alter in front of all their friends and family. She had, of course, kept the friends, while he, in turn, footed all the bills.

And so long as he was being completely honest with himself, he couldn’t help but admit that every time she turned and looked at him, or smiled, while they were at work, that small seed unfurled tiny leaves, as though reaching for the sun, and it filled him with warmth. See? It told him. You are still desirable. She made a mistake, and someday she is going to come up to you and admit what a fool she was, and that she really can’t live with out you. He wouldn’t of course have ever done anything with her; he may have loved her deeply once, but he loved Cassie now. It still did something wonderful to his ego to see that she had come to her senses, even if it had taken over half a decade.

He hadn’t ever expected Cassie to confront him on it, though. Nor had he expected her to hit it quite so close to home. She had very nearly guessed; and she knew with out a shadow of a doubt that Charlotte had been sniffing around him.

When Cassie accused him of cheating, David had finally snapped. He had been good. More than good. He had been a wonderful companion, and had never once strayed from Cassie. Would have never. It didn’t matter that he, very occasionally, thought about Charlotte; they were passing fantasies, brief, and he knew that nothing would ever come of it. He wouldn’t allow it. He would never have hurt Cassie the way Charlotte had hurt him.

David was sure that he had said some things that he didn’t mean, and regretted, but Cassie wouldn’t answer her phone when he called. At first he had worried, and called – God forbid – her mother, but her mother had laid in to him for stringing her daughter along all these years, and would hear nothing of his reassurances that he hadn’t cheated on her with Charlotte, or anyone else for that matter. Cassie’s mother’s opinion of him could not be swayed, but at least he knew that Cassie was all right; just angrier than she had ever been at him. After the first few weeks had passed, he called her, and let her know that he was coming by, and when he drove by their old apartment building, he saw that she had moved all of his things outside of their front door and had locked it soundly. All of his raging at their door had done nothing to move her; she would hear none of it.

So at last he gave up, and opened the newspaper, and began the lonely business of starting a new life, without Cassie. A bitter part of him raised its head, and shouted good riddance, and thanked God that he hadn’t married her before this had all come out, but he knew that part of him was small and angry, and was where all of their problems had originated from.

He had just circled a third apartment that looked appealing when the phone beside him rang. He picked it up without hesitation, hoping beyond hope that it was Cassie, calling to tell him to come home, that she was ready to talk. That she believed that he had nothing to do with Charlotte anymore.

He was, of course, to be disappointed.

“David? It’s Lottie! I heard that you might be lonely, so I thought that I would offer you some company?”

He knew that he ought to say no. To tell that two timing horrible woman to go shove it where the sun didn’t shine. But that small, bitter part of him took over once again, and answered for him. “I would love to,” he was certain someone else said. It couldn’t have been him. And it couldn’t have been him who dutifully noted down the address of the restaurant that she had wanted to take him to. And it couldn’t have been him who calmly said good night and laid the phone back in its cradle. He hated her. Hated what she had done to her. To his life. Hated that, even now, seven years after she had shattered him, she still had the power to ruin him in every way shape and form.

Yet still, he couldn’t resist the fact that this was Charlotte. He had loved her once, and now that he was unattached, perhaps he could learn to love her again. Cassie had healed his inability to commit. That much was clear as his reflection in the white gold of the ring he would never get to give her. Cassie had made it clear that she had no desire to see him ever again, all because of a crime that he didn’t commit.

Well, he thought as he looked at the address with hate, if he had to do the time, then he may as well enjoy the benefits of the crime. And if he maybe got to rough Charlotte up a little bit along the way?

Well, no one would have ever denied that he had a bitter streak a mile long.

______________________________________________________________________________________________


Cassie wouldn’t deny it. She had known that David was loyal to her as the day was long. She knew that he would have never cheated on her in actuality. Still, the knowledge that he was being tempted daily, and that his heart still yearned for another woman, drove her up a wall with jealousy. Who was this woman, this wretched woman, who had so carelessly thrown away what Cassie would have moved mountains for? Was she aware of the damage she had caused, even long after she was gone, and the damage that she was continuing to cause, now that she was back again?

While David may have never been able to cheat on her physically, she had never been entirely certain where his heart had lain. She was the first person that he had been with after Charlotte, and he had been with her for far longer than he had been with his would-be wife. Still, it had been Charlotte that had earned his praise and affections. It had been Charlotte whom he had bestowed a ring upon. And it had been Charlotte whom he had been so ready to share the rest of his life with.

But not Cassie. Never Cassie. Cassie had stuck by him, had been a friend, and then became his lover, and his roommate. She had whispered sweet nothings in his ear, satisfied for years that though he couldn’t return them, it was because he had killed his ability to feel them. Cassie understood all too well what it felt like to kill an emotion inside of yourself. She had done the very same to herself with her parents, one of whom had violated her on the lowest of levels, the other who had not believed her. She had never been sure which betrayal was worse, or if the worst part of all had been that her step father had left her mother after she had ran away from home to be with a woman who bore a striking resemblance to her. Her mother had made no quarrels about hiding the fact that she blamed Cassie for her failed marriage, and Cassie tried very hard not to think about it.

Still, it was hard to not draw comparisons when she saw David anywhere near Charlotte. She didn’t suffer any illusions; she knew that she and Charlotte could have nearly been twins, and had always wondered if David was only with her because it was like he was sleeping with his ex fiancé. She knew that she had never possessed his heart the way Charlotte had, and her bitterness burned deeply inside of her.

It had been difficult to pack his things and wait for that call – the call that said he was on his way to get them. She hadn’t even been able to let him in the apartment to collect them himself. She had put them outside of their door and watched it dutifully until he arrived, and then hid herself in their – her – bedroom with her hands over her ears as he raged at her to let him in. No, she thought. It was bad enough that she had let him in to her heart; there was no way that she was letting him back through those doors… who only knew what damage he would cause?

She allowed herself to suffer for a few more days in silence before finally she gave up. So what if he didn’t love her, even though she loved him? She knew he would be loyal to her. He had always been good to her. She told herself that it would be enough, even if she couldn’t be his wife, to be his partner. She would stand by him, no matter the cost to herself. She would be satisfied with his bed, his life, his world, and that would be enough. If she never had his children, or never shared his last name, it would be fine. She would take what she could get.

Cassie tried to call him on his cell phone, but it had gone straight to voicemail. She frowned. She had to talk to him tonight. She had to tell him how she felt before she lost her nerve and lost him forever. After calling a few more times, she finally gave up and started to call motels around town until she finally found which one he was staying in, and got her coat.

She would apologize for ever having had doubted him, and without question, he would let her back in to his life… even if she had no place in his heart.

______________________________________________________________________________________________


He hadn’t been in when she stopped by the motel, but she had had very little problem convincing the front desk manager to let her in to his room. She had told the seedy looking man who had leered at her from over the counter that she had a package for David, and he had gladly given her a key, his sweaty palms touching the fore of her arm for many moments longer than they should have. The look he gave her quite clearly told her that he strongly suspected that she was the package that she was delivering, and that he probably wouldn’t see her for days and days.

She really had to talk to David about his tastes in motels.

She had snooped around his room for a bit, and had found his cell phone, dead. The charger was no where in sight, so she could only assume that he hadn’t unpacked any of the boxes that she had packed for him, otherwise he would have found it with the rest of his electronics.

Cassie walked over to the phone and grabbed a nearby notepad to write down the number, in case he didn’t show up before she decided to head home. She froze with her pen above the paper, staring in disbelief at the proof of her fears staring up at her.

A single name.

An address.

And a date. Today’s date.

He was on a date with Charlotte.

She scowled fiercely, and gathered her coat up. The bastard! The lying bastard! She wasn’t going to take this lying down. She was going to go there, crash their little soiree, and tell him exactly where he could shove all of his belongings, along with his lies.

She fumed all the way to the restaurant.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

David sat at the table with Charlotte, pretending to be interested in what she was saying, but really noticing for the first time that Charlotte looked an awful lot like Cassie. He had never really notice either of their looks before; while they were both quiet beautiful, beauty alone could have never caught his attention. It was passion, hot and fervent, that drew his eye. Cassie had it in spades. He had once thought the Charlotte did as well, but as he listened to her describe her flint through various foreign ports with various men that weren’t him, he realized that she was a dim glow compared to his Cassie. His lost Cassie. He regretted every moment that he had wasted with her, waiting for the perfect moment. They had had a million perfect little moments, and he had foregone them, so afraid of her rejection. So afraid of being hurt again that he had hurt himself in the process.

“Are you even listening to me?” Charlotte asked him.

He hadn’t been. And he certainly wasn’t anymore, either, for at that moment, Cassie had walked in, face dewey with perspiration, cheeks touched with a hint of a blush. She looked around the room for a minute before her fierce gaze landed on him, and pinned him.

He was torn. His heart leapt that Cassie was here – Cassie was here! But he knew, from the thunderous look in her eyes, that he was about to have Hell to pay.

“David Flynn!”

Oh yes, Hell indeed.

“Do you know that girl?” Charlotte asked, her nose drawn up as though she had caught the scent of something foul.

“Yes.” David answered smoothly as he watched Cassidy come barreling through the restaurant towards them out of his peripherals. “If all goes well, she might very soon be my wife.”

He couldn’t take the note of pride out of his voice as she descended upon them like a valkyrie. Charlotte drew herself up and practically bared her teeth.

“David Flynn. I knew it. I knew it. Well, I didn’t know it, but I rather suspected it, and here you are, and I was right, and how dare you try to have made me feel guilty for accusing you when you were in fact doing what I was accusing you of! You lousy, lying, good for nothing! Worse than a good for nothing! Even a good for nothing is occasionally good for something, and you, David Flynn, you aren’t even good for that! You’re scum! You’re lower than scum! You’re a rat! You’re lower than that! You’re a flea on a rat! Worse… you’re an… what do you think you’re doing?”

David pulled himself out of his chair, and got down on one knee. He took her hand, and though the look in her eye would kill if it could, it didn’t matter. Here, in this most horrible of moments, he would do something right. He had missed many perfect moments, but he didn’t care. He would make one, right here, right now.

”I love you, Cassie Lowes. I have always loved you. And this stupid ring has been burning a hole in my pocket for nearly six months. Would you marry me?”

Cassie sneered. “After you cheated on me with this tramp?”

“Hey!’ Charlotte tried to defend herself.

“I didn’t.” David said. “I promise.”

“But you love her, not me.” Cassie nearly whispered this, so quietly he almost missed it.

A well dressed manager approached them then, and tapped Charlotte, who had come to her feet, on the shoulder, “excuse me miss, but there seems to be a problem –“

“Just a minute, sir, we are almost done here.” David turned his attention back to Cassie. “I thought I loved her once, but I was wrong. For the first time, I am glad that she left me at that alter. She would have made me miserable. She would have ruined my life by marrying me, because if she had married me, I would have never met you. Please Cassie. Marry me? Let me share my life and my home with you again. You are everything to me. I love you. Marry me. Make me whole.”

Cassie looked at the ring in shock. She had expected many things to happen this night. To make a fool out of herself? Check. To punch one or both of them in the face? The night was still young. To probably spend a day or two in jail? It was a possibility. But to honestly be considering the proposal of the man who she was so sure would never attempt such a thing again? To hear that beautiful phrase come from his lips?

“You never said you loved me before.” Cassie pointed out.

“And I was an idiot.” David remained on one knee, and the rest of the room watched in silent awe as they awaited her answer.

Cassie reached out… and closed the lid to the ring box. “I can’t accept your proposal, David.”

He was absolutely positive that his heart stopped beating in his chest. Here, he had laid himself bare for her, and she had cut him to the quick.

Then she reached her hand forward, grasped him around his forearm, and helped him to his feet. “Not now, not with all this anger hanging in the air. I want to remember the night that you asked me to be your wife as a special moment, not one that was spoiled by regret and anger. But I want you to come home. I need you to come home. My life isn’t complete with out you in it.” Cassie told him, smiling up at him. He had been so positive that he would never get that smile again, that special smile reserved just for him. Like he was the only person in the whole world that mattered.

David reached in to his wallet and laid a twenty on the table. “That should cover my half. Sorry to make a scene.” He waved his hand to the patrons, and the manager shrugged it off.

“No harm no foul.” The rest of the patrons had already gone back to their meals anyways.

“Let’s go, Cassie.” He said as he pulled her away from the table and pushed her ahead of him, towards the door. They were nearly to the door when he heard Charlotte whisper his naming like a siren.

“David.”

He couldn’t help himself. He stopped in his tracks, unable to move. Cassie looked back at him, confused, confliction showing in her face.

“Wait!” Charlotte called desperately. “I was wrong; please. You loved me once. Can’t you love me again? She wouldn’t even accept your proposal!”

For a second, Cassie saw the battle rage on his face. She knew that he had once had feelings for Charlotte, but what she didn’t know was whether he had them still. He may have loved Cassie, but what if he loved Charlotte more?

“David?” Cassie asked, hoping to pull him back to himself.

David cursed himself silently. How could he have wavered, even for a second? It didn’t matter whether or not he and Cassie ever married. What mattered was that she was here, by his side, the only place she belonged. While he once would have gladly followed Charlotte to the ends of the world, it was Cassie’s voice that pulled him back to himself. Charlotte might have called for him, waited for him, longed for him, and missed him, but Cassie needed him.

And he needed her right back.

“I’m coming, Cassie.”

He walked towards her, towards the door, and for the first time in a long time, felt he was taking a step in the right direction.