Shocking things have happened in SF0 land! There has been a kidnapping! Cunning Linguist fell victim to a super sekrit plot and was held for three days. The fact that kidnapping victims in this game must be willing did not keep the perpetrators from entrapping him unawares. Friday evening Cunning was invited to visit Piratey. Cunning met Piratey at the BART station, with the understanding that he would follow her to the location of kidnappitude. Although he knew she lived in Berkeley, he had been carefully kept from knowledge of the location of the recently relocated super sekrit headquarters. Piratey was surprised when Cunning was accompanied by a “Friend from Work,” and was instantly suspicious of this possible spy. It was vitally important that no one know where he was going, to minimize rescue or escape possibilities. As it was a Gentle kidnapping, he knew Something was coming, but he knew nothing of the What, How, and most especially the Who. So while Piratey stalled on the corner, accomplices got into position. Enter Sparky the Wonder Bird! Never met by Cunning, newcomer to sf0, she walks nonchalantly right past them, then with ninja-like speed and precision whips out a pillowcase, and thrusts it over his head, and yells “KIDNAPPED!” And so he was. Check out the video.


Apparently, the Friend From Work was just that, as he seemed very confused by the entire episode…and wandered off almost immediately. We secured Cunning’s hands, traded the pillow case for a blindfold, and removed from his possession his wallet, keys, and cell phone. We walked him blindfolded back to the Super Sekrit Monkey/Bird/Kat Lair, spinning him in plenty of circles and backtracking and crossing and re-crossing streets.

Upon reaching the Super Sekrit Lair, our kidnappee was placed in his location of incarceration: a hole in the wall. Yes, a hole in the wall. During a recent Urban exploration, Piratey found a secret little door in her closet, a door which led into the ceiling and behind the walls. A perfect place for a kidnappee. We unblinded and unshackeled our unfortunate victim, and made him crawl inside. However we were not so heartless that we didn’t leave him some various supplies stashed away inside.

Cunning was equipped for his time in incarceration with a flashlight, a lantern with candles, matches, a fire extinguisher (just in case), paper and pen, paint and chalk (for the purpose of decorating the cave walls, counting the days, etc), a tape recorder, a fan to make sure the air circulated, a whistle to blow in case it didn't, a bottle of water, beer, and a small packet marked "emergency provisions" containing chocolate bars. Cunning was deprived of all his technology that he might simultaneously accomplish another task that takes three days, should he so choose.

Piratey had to attend to the running of her ship, leaving Sparky with the first watch. At one point in the evening, Kittimeow returned home, asked what the hell Sparky was doing talking to the wall, and was entirely unamused by the answer.

We also gave him several tasks that he could perform for Good Behavior Points, suggesting that if he got enough of these, he might be allowed to experience part of his Kidnapping someplace other than a hole in the wall.

The next day Cunning was indeed rewarded for good behavior. Piratey took him, properly bound and blindfolded, on an adventure of epic proportions.

****we’ll let Cunning explain****

=============================================

/* Apologies for not posting this sooner.
Thanks for your patience. -Cunning */

Adventure of epic proportions indeed. Considering this happened quite some time ago, details are fuzzy. What makes the whole experience even more nebulous is the fact that I probably consumed enough alcohol to kill a large syberian husky (and let me tell you, those fuckers can drink). The best I can offer is a somewhat ludicriously reconstructed timeline of events with some sort of description to each entry. PiMonk, if there's anything I'm not getting right, please feel free to proofread as needed.

The following occurs between the hours of 9am (0900) and 6pm (1800):

~0900 - Roused from sleep. Not quite sure what time it is, but I've woken up in Berkeley for 4.5 years out of my life, pretty aware of what an 'early morning' in said city feels like. In an unapologetically speedy tone, I'm told to wake up and get ready. I do so without resistance.

0930 - As I finished getting ready, I was handed a bag of 200 water balloons and was instructed to fill as many of them up as possible. I begin to speculate. In the background I also manage to overhear Monkey discussing details about a ride somewhere. Speculations continue.

0955 - As I finish filling up what I could fit into a bag, I'm told that we're running a bit late but that our ride is here, and we should take off. Ride? I was 76.3% confident that I was going somewhere to be tortured in ways most men my age don't experience unless they have been unfortunate enough to have been prisoners of war.

1000 - I got into the car and the driver's body language and mannerisms appeared to be deliberately awkward, I assumed this was a result of trying to maintain some form of secrecy regarding the coming event(s). There was some discussion regarding me, the situation and our destination but the entire conversation used mostly pronouns so as to not disclose much, if anything.

1030 - We've been driving on the 80E from Berkeley for quite a bit of time, and as far as I can tell, Piratey had fallen asleep. This gave me an opportunity to try and get some answers from the driver. All I got was a detailed outline of current musical trends in Berkeley, as well as a thorough discussion about guitars, types of guitars and favorite types of guitars.

1045 - Still on the 80E, passing vacaville. Assuming we stay on course, only one worthwhile destination lies on this highway: Tahoe. I tried to convince myself this wasn't our destination since it was so far away, but the longer we drove, the more likely it seemed as if we were headed there.

1100 - I started to contemplate how I would fight off bears after I had been dropped off in the woods.

1115 - After a little over an hour, my mind was starting to construct innumerable possibilities for what might or might not happen. All these thoughts were squelched after I noticed a little white piece of paper on the ground.

1117 - The paper was an email print-out, appeared to be the header for an evite regarding the event we were headed to. It didn't say much other than to be on time and to park as close to the American River as possible. Even though the email was not explicit about the event taking place at the American River, I had a feeling that was our destination.

1155 - Sure enough, we exit the freeway somewhere in the vicinity of Sacramento. Things are falling into place.

1200 - We park in a dirt lot where everyone else looks like they're headed to the beach. People are whipping out massive coolers, even more massive water guns, towels, beach balls, sunscreen etc. Funny thing is that there are no beaches anywhere. Things have fallen into place.

1210 - By the time we get to some predetermined location, all I see is...

I mean rows and rows and rows of these banana yellow rafts. I get curious and excited at the same time.

1215 - We step into a shaded area of a grassy clearing that lies somewhere between the rows of rafts, the american river and a parking lot. There must be a hundred or two hundred people here in what looks like an outdoor waiting area for the american river. We meet up with a group of people who are in possession of many items of interest, the most notable being:
-4 kegs of delicious beer
-8 boxes of wine (not cases... i'm talking about boxed wine)
-several cases of canned beer and ice
-many many many already drunk people

1217 - The monkey quickly instructs me to fill up more waterballoons. Having a purpose to the task, I quickly try and fill up as many more as I can given what limited resources we have.

1220 - We start drinking. Note: This is the official beginning of my downward spiral.

1300 - With Buzz Aldrin now on board, we get a quick debrief as to what's going to happen. Essentially, 8 yellow rafts containing people, water-war-waging-weapons, much alcohol and a few bags will be carried over, tied together and launched at the american river. Not at all what I consider 'rafting' to be like.

1313 - We manage to carry all the boats and materials over to the launch site (with many other boats also waiting to launch). It was really cool watching other drunk ass Sacramentites try and get their one or two boats off, while we were trying to launch this 8 boat web of debauchery.



1330 - As we have this boat conglomerate consisting of booze, drunkards, food, bags and weapons of aquatic proportions, we seem pretty ready to go. A few noteworthy items at this point:

*There is another boat that has put miniature pirate flags all around their boat, as well as one large one they were intending on waving. Piratey swore to befriend them only to board them and pillage all of their booty.

*A few already intoxicated folks (piratey included) thought it best to start this trip with a nice jump from a bridge. This bridge was a solid 12-15 feet above the water. Also note that the American River is not necessarily a deep river at points. In any event, they felt it was somewhat important to do so, so they did. I wish I could document this with pictures, but rest assured that such deeds can be considered only brave or idiotic... or both.

1345 - We set off, most everyone now has had enough alcohol to lubricate any and all social interaction, myself included. Either through franzia chugs, beer bongs or keg stands, everyone was feeling the effects of the sweet sweet elixir. What made this even more fun was the fact that it was 8 rafts tied together, so if you wanted a different drink or just wanted different company, all you had to do was stand up and walk to another location... if you could walk, that is.

1415 - Drunken Piratey starts a mutiny and unties one of the boats. I can't remember if this happened before or after her keg stands... actually I think they were after, and I'll get to them soon. I hop on board w/ her (and I think a few other people come with), and we break away, throwing waterballoons and shooting whatever water we can at our original group. Obviously, this is not well received and they retort with a torrent of water that forces us to move past them.

edit: it was before the kegstands.. -PM

1420 - We meet up w/ the pirate boat who p-monkey wanted to try and side with. Unfortunately they are short on all forms of rations (beer, water guns, balloons), so after some exchange of words, we decided to return to the octaboat. The challenge came from the fact that as a smaller unit, we went downstream much faster than they did, so we had to fight the current in order to backtrack. Piratey and a few others decided to back track via land and jump in. For the first time since the kidnapping, I had been left alone. Alone, in a raft, fighting a current, with no where to go but up or downstream. I decided to get to the group no matter what.

1445 - Almost half an hour of very very hard paddling, and we reunite w/ the original group. The few of us that remained on the raft thought that there would be some resistance to us wanting to rejoin, but everyone seemed to be engaged in what looked like someone doing a handstand. Upon closer inspection, it was kegstand. Upon even closer inspection, it was piratey doing a kegstand... for 38 seconds. Having just come back to the boat, and wanting to partake in the fun, I threw down a 45 second kegstand. Piratey was to have none of it, so she threw down a 48 second kegstand. After which we were both pretty hamboned. Instead of trying to go on indefinitely (which would lead to our demise), I just grab an opened box of bagged Franzia wine, and sat for a spell.

edit: it was 52 seconds, for the record... -PM

*The remaining times are in no way shape or form accurate*

1530 - Finished my first box of Franzia...

1630 - Halfway through my second, I try one more kegstand, but last only 20 to 30 some odd seconds.

1645 - Someone fell overboard.

1647 - I realize that someone was me... so I swim back to the boats.

1700 - We reach land, my shirt and shoes are no where to be found, so I grab two mismatching and right-footed sandals (may or may not have been owned by someone) and stumble to the BBQ that was to happen afterwards.

1705 - Lay down on the grass and pass out.

~1800 - Wake up w/ one of the worst sun burns I've ever had on my back, most people gone, and a bit of food still around. I cook/eat what I can and head back to the car with Piratey. I slept the entire way back to berkeley, only to be put back into my 'cave'.

pretty epic.

Back to you, Piratey.
=============================================

At the end of the day, a tuckered out Cunning was returned to his cell. In the morning, Piratey and Sparky were set on going into the City to participate in a certain ambush.(Yes this was forever ago, we suck at posting things, we know) Cunning, caught up in the attack, released himself from his bonds, the better to throw water balloons. For this he was flogged (a piece of context which may have been left out of the flogging write-up.)

Upon return to Berkeley, Cunning was returned to his cell where he finally made use of the art supplies given to him and created the mural seen below on the wall separating him from the world.

The kidnapping ended the following morning when Cunning was set free.

***more pics coming...