Anyone who knows me is well aware of what a trifling whore my mother is. (vote for me!) In truth, she is a sweet old lady who is half a miracle way from being canonized. It's probably because of this, making my mother out to be a trifling whore makes me giggle.

As far as I know my mother has never had sexual relations with any of my roommates

, but this is exactly the accusation I was going to make

I started this task by creating for it a frame of reference. I began by complaining to Mattbot every day when he came home about how I wished he would quit sleeping with my mom. I knew that once he started building on my comments and bringing up his "relationship" without any prompting from me, instead of just looking at me strangely (which was his initial reaction for the first couple days.)

By the time I began planting evidence, my mother was doing things to Matt that I could not possibly have conceived. He informed me that their relationship had been going on for years and that he just couldn’t seem to get her off his mind. On one occasion he complained that several times during sex she asked him to make sure that I was eating my vegetables. I told him that she wanted her panties back and that she should quit calling so much.

After a couple weeks of continuous humor at the expense of my whore of a mother I planted a pair of underwear (provided by LeEvil) in his room with her initials on the tag and a picture of her under his pillow with a little message on it. He found the underwear two days later exclaiming "Tell your mom to quit leaving her SHIT IN MY ROOM" and threw them at me. To date the photo has not surfaced....though he has completely rearranged and cleaned his room.....hmmm

A couple days later I decided it was time that my mother break it off with Mattbot.

Lee and I composed an excruciatingly long dear john letter to him and had another friend of ours write it on a card. It read...

To My Dearest Matt:

I am writing to let you know how wonderful our time together has been. You are an amazing lover, and you have made an old lady very happy. I will never forget the day we made love until noon, had grapefruit and bran flakes in bed, and then took a walk down the block until my hip gave out. Do you remember what you said to me as the fog rolled around us? To this day I can't hear the word, "peaches" without getting all misty-eyed. Could just be my rheumy membrane issues... hard to tell, but heartfelt nonetheless. We had some wonderful times, but I feel like I am living a lie. I'm so sorry, but this must end. I know this will be hard for you since, after I hinted that you should perhaps call me less frequently, I started receiving calls from you day and night. It is just too much for me. I can't
even watch Monk all the way through anymore without interruption. And I certainly can't keep up with your lustful desires. My arthritis is just killing me. Goodbye Matt... I will always look back upon our sweet time together fondly. I am returning the rave party beads you gave me. I just don't feel right wearing them anymore.

Love always,
Peggie Ory

I sealed up the letter and dropped it in the mail. When I came home the next day it was waiting. He was sick in his room for about 48 hours, but eventually received the bad news.

Thankfully the jokes haven’t ceased just because the relationship dissolved.

I was talking with our other roommate and my mother came up. Matt's voice piped in from behind the closed door of his room "I really wish you wouldn’t bring up Peggie when I'm around! TOO SOON!"

and just tonight he came home and said..."You know, thinking back on things, I just don't think she could take all the anal....that strap-on was really heavy for her"

Although I am nearly positive that my mother and Mattbot have never actually met, but absence of proof is not proof of absence. I think in the near future I will need to conduct an interrogation on my mother just to be certain.