Oh Burning man, How I love thee.

yall want a story?


It does not entirely have to do with the task at hand but leads into it and adds a little back story to the kind of day we were already having. If you want to get right into the task then just skip down to the bold heading half way down the page. There is a video link as well.

So Ian of DDI had gotten an inflatable sheep. The original plan for this love pet was to secretly place it in someone's tent, but a much more comical situation arose. A guest at camp was asked if she would like some dried mango. she said...

"Sure, eating dried fruit is kind of like fucking an inflatable doll."

So RUBIN returned from the kitchen and produced both the mango and the sheep announcing...

"ok. lets see it."

Well, that poor sheep was at our mercy from that pont forward for the rest of the week. When it came around to me I inserted the retractable Lightsaber I had near me into the sheep but upon pulling it out the tip had gotten stuck and separated from the rest of the toy inside the animal.

"Shit" I said, "What are we going to do?"

The solution came readily from Fightclub, one of the first year members of DDI

"Looks like we are going to have to take her to the medic tent."

"HA! Lets go"

On the way to center camp with sheep and lightsaber in hand Fightclub, Avidd, Lee and I devised the story..."This is really embarrassing, but...um....This was Jasmine Desert Princess. That's her Playa name, we dont know her real name but we asked permission first...and well...it's kind of stuck."

The triage nurse lost it and almost fell out of her chair laughing. We kept our worried, concerned looks about us through out.

"We were hoping we could get some sort of....um... extraction. She is very uncomfortable.....no..no..its ok shhhh shhh."

"Really? You cant get it out?"

"uh....no...could you?"

I turned the sheep ass around and offered it to her. She held up her hands and arched back.

"I'm not sticking my fingers in there. Have a seat and we will get a nurse right with you."

So we went and sat down in the back of the medic tent. When I took my chair I accidentally sat down on my camelback and squirted water all over the back of my playa skirt. we waited for a while and the trioge nurse walked by.

"um...excuse me do you have anything you can give her to make her more comfortable?"

she managed out a no through the giggles.

We waited a little while longer and decided that they were just going to let us sit there until we got bored and went away. Avidd suggested we take Jasmine Desert Princess to Animal Control, a camp that bags, tags and releases Furries running around BRC.

On our way out we see the triage nurse speaking with an RN.

"Oh here," she said "these are them" the nurse turns to us and smiles.

I start my story with Jasmine in my left hand..the lightsabre in my right and my already filthy, playa ass soaked and muddy. I barely get into it when the nurse stops me holding out a concerned hand touching my shoulder.

"I'm sorry dear, but we dont deal with that end of your body."

I pause......"but Jasmine Desert Princess...." I turn the sheep around to show her the uncomfortably filled hole.

A look of extreme relief washes over the nurse.

"Oh! I though it was

you!

Thank god."

she turns to the sheep.

"Are you a little uncomfortable sweet heart?'

"She

is" I say "We were hoping you could help her out, things got a little out of hand"

"Well, lets see what we can do..just relax dear"

Talking all the time directly to the doll, she sticks her gloved finger into the sheep and digs out the lightsabre tip. While I do my best to comfort Jasmine Fight club takes the bottle of tequila we had with us and starts feeding it to her. Everyone in the medic tent was attentive and grinning. Once the tip had been removed the nurse held it up and exclaimed

"Ha! That's the most I've been able to help anyone all day!"

On our way out several people inquired on Jasime's health and were releaved to be told that she was going to be ok.

Once we returned to camp I hopped off my bike grabbed the bull horn and exclaimed..
"Hey, I need to go to the bathroom...you all are going to want to come along for this!"

My campmates know me well enough to realize that a statement like that is not something to take lightly. without a word at least five people jumped up and grabbed their bikes following me off.

So for those of you who have never been BM is lousy with workshops. there is a workshop for everything you may or maynot want to know...everything EVERYTHING. well....now there is one for everything.

And the task begins...

I selected a port-o-potty, sat down, positioned the bullhorn outside the door and began.

I'd Like to thank you all for comming to this Pooping workshop.

This is a very important skill to learn. I have been doing this for about 29 years now and I have gotten pretty good at it so I think with a little instruction and practice all of you can start seeing atleast some small improvement right away.

The video here shows a small clip of the workshop that lasted about 15 mins. (video provided by rabbit)

The video starts half way through my first bullet point which was port-o-potty selection where I pointed out that most poopers look into a port-o-potty and see all kinds of grossness in there and go to the next one, but if you think about that grossness is your friend because it prevents "splashback".

I also discussed:

*

What to look for in toilet paper when making a purchase

*

Hovering vs The Solid Sit

*

Execution and Follow Through

*

The "Wiggle"

Confession: For most of my life I have not been able to poop in a public restroom if someone else was in the room....this was actually cathartic and has broken me of that irrational fear.

I feilded several questions at this point which gave me time to finish off my task at hand.
The questions were as follows:

"Should I be worried about making noise when pooping?'
"No, not at all grunt, growl, curse...just let it all out..don't be embarrassed...I mean look around you, everyone is here for the same thing, right? so why worry about being shy...they guy on this side and this side are both taking a shit too.

"When wiping do you recommend balling the toilet paper or folding it?"
"I think you can go either way. I ball personally I want as much paper between me and that duke as possible, but that's just me."

"What do you do when you are constipated? do you squeeze really hard or like bend over and grab our ankles and push it out...what is the best way to handle it?"
"Well that is a really good question, but you are talking about some pretty advanced pooping techniques. I think we should stick to the basics for now. You dont want to move ahead of your skill level too soon..pooping can be dangerous! I mean there is more than one way to get a hernia....you can lift something heavy or you can push too hard trying to get it all out when you hear the Simpson's theme coming from the other room. People don't think about that and then they hurt themselves."

"What about people who are worried about taking up too much time in the port-o-potty when other people are waiting should you try and make it quick?"
Hell, I say no! I mean get it all out. take your time. If you think about it, you have already invested a lot of time and energy getting this far. If you cut it off short you are going to need to come back again sooner and spend all that time again. Make em wait. do your thing. You will save everyones time in the long run.

"Alright and so once you have take care of everything you are going to need to wipe. Can I get volunteer for this part?"

(roar of laughter) by this time I had about 30 people standing around watching and taking pictures and a volunteer whom I did not know actually came up.

"No, no dont worry I just need you to hold the mic....

alight

..no push the button..there ya go....Alright this is very important, FRONT TO BACK...FRONT TO BACK. You don't want any poo getting all over your nutsies or girl bits... and be nice...wipe twice!"

"And lastly, remember before exiting the port-o-potty pull up the pants.... And that concludes our workshop, we are going to have a poopjam now for you all to practice what you have learned and maybe exchange a little experience with each other...thank you."