So, let us assume first up for this task that the seven sins required are those known commonly as the “Seven Deadly Sins” which were introduced into the Christian faith companion to the “Seven Cardinal Virtues” sometime between the crusades and Jimmy Carter. These are, in case we’ve forgotten or not had them burnt into our memories by that film Se7en:

1)Lust

2)Greed

3)Gluttony

4)Envy

5)Pride

6)Sloth and

7)Wrath

Let us also assume that the “shortest possible time” does not actually refer to the shortest possible time, which is called Planck time, and refers to the length of time a photon takes at light speed to cover a Planck measure, which is related to quantum physics and frankly there just aren’t enough points up for grabs here for me to worry about quantum gravity interfering with my Brad Pitt themed fun. But I will go the next best thing and attempt to commit all seven sins roughly simultaneously.

So! Down to business!

Since my girlfriend is on the other side of the country and probably wouldn’t approve of me eating during a lustful encounter anyway, we must settle for the next best thing: The Internet, which is a more contemporary spelling of the word “porn”. I’ll leave this particular part off the visual evidence collection, but since you all no doubt won’t I highly recommend http://www.wetriffs.com/ which was created after the insightful xkcd comic about it.

Sloth and Gluttony were the easiest of the lot to set up, I haven’t been to work or uni in over 6 weeks now, so sitting on my sofa eating Twisties and getting the orange crumbs all over me is no real hurdle.

Envy is also a simple one, but since I have demands on the economization of my time due to the nature of this task, I figured the easiest thing to envy would be the gentlemen in the pornography.

Wrath and Sloth had me stumped on mutual exclusivity for some time, since I didn’t believe that the two could honestly be simultaneously compatible, what with wrath requiring so much effort. I sat around all afternoon practicing my sloth watching the Australian Open when suddenly it occurred to me, the point where those two sins so often combined it is almost normalized – watching sports! So, next to my lust and envy window I set up a wrath window, with news articles and pictures regarding the recent Indian cricket scandal and the Indianapolis Colts’ playoff loss. I didn’t realize this task was so hazardous to one’s health.

Pride required a comb, hair wax, and a mirror set up by my laptop. I had to use my sunglasses lenses as that mirror lacking a portable one but since they’re preppy aviators I think it fits the pride thing well.

The biggest challenge was Greed. See, it’s kind of like gluttony but much more subtle. This is a very difficult sin to do generally, let alone with the pressure of all the others. Then I realized that theft is greed! Taking something without paying for it, especially a lot of times, is exceptionally greedy. Especially if you’re wealthy like me and should morally behave better. So I set up some music to illegally download while I watched my jealousy fuelled erotica next to my wrath inducing sports news sitting on a
comfy cushion eating Twisties preening myself.