My original idea was to find someone who was controversial and send them a letter of disapproval regarding what I thought they did and the influence I believed it had on our nation's children. But then when I found there was a Gene Simmons in the area I decided I would rather enlist for the KISS Army. My letter goes as follows:

Dear Mr. Simmons,

I have been an avid KISS fan for my entire life, which has helped me deal with my many personal problems. For example, in grade school I used to get laughed at because I had an over-sized tongue. I took solace in the fact that your tongue was large as well and that you would display it shamelessly underneath of all that stage make-up that cemented you as a rock 'n' roll legend. I'd hoped I too could one day be a rock star. However this dream of mine soon died at age 14 after I lost two fingers in a tractor accident and was unable to continue my bass-playing pursuits. I had always wanted to shred out classics similar to "Deuce" (although it kinda makes me think of my fingers) or "Unholy," but from that point on, knowing that my musical career was over, I convinced myself that I would join the KISS Army. I have been waiting for the advent of my 18th birthday to make this happen. Today, Thursday, August 21st, I stand as a man by the requirements of this country, and I long to serve as the number one patriot of rock-n-roll to the number one rock band in the world: KISS!!!

I have enclosed a registration form to he KISS Army along with this letter in the sincere hope that you will review it and inform me of your decision on my enlistment. I know that I may be lacking two fingers, but it only takes one to pull the trigger like on the awesome paper gun that came inside the Love Gun album and I am not afraid. (Though I have always wondered if everyone got one of these or if this was some kind of draft lottery. I sure hope so.) Anyway, I'd like to thank you for all the support your music has given me over the years, and I hope to soon be one of the proud, the many, the KISS Army.

Sincerely,
Eric "Three Fingers" Patterson