Trash Rehash by Charlie Fish
August 2nd, 2007 2:09 PMI decided that it's a shame I don't know my neighbours better. London's so busy all the time, but what's the use of having people all around you if you don't know any of them? So I figured I'd dig through my neighbour's trash... :)
I employed a three-step approach. 1) root through a trash bag; 2) root through a recycling bag; 3) hop onto the Internet to see if I can deduce anything else from the information I uncovered.
From step 1, I deduced that my neighbour chews gum, shops at Tesco, cooks, plays guitar, prints CDs, gets headaches, has a connection with Liverpool, smokes, is a pescatarian, and likes electro-pop.
From step 2, I deduced my neighbour's name, and that he reads the Guardian (and is therefore probably left-wing), he owns his flat, he is health conscious (although he enjoys his beers), he drinks caffeinated coffee, he recently bought a Kenwood appliance, and he watched The Simpsons film at our local cinema with a friend.
From step 3, I deduced that my neighbour is in a band called R.O.C, who were signed up with Virgin Records in the 90's and have released four albums and loads of singles. You can buy their music from their website: www.rocmusic.com. How cool is that?
Enlightening.
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My house and my neighbour's house. Tonight's the night we have to put out our trash for collection, so the bins will be full. And it gives me a flimsy excuse to be loitering around the trash.
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My neigbour's trash. Turn smell-o-vision on for the proper effect.
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My neighbour's recycling.
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I put the two bags in my kitchen next to some empty bags so I could transfer the trash piece by piece. I should point out that I did not steal my neighbour's trash - that would be illegal. I merely borrowed it.
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Step 1 - going through the trash bag. Here's what I saw when I opened it. Please turn your smell-o-vision dial up to 7.
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A pack of Wrigley's Extra, an orange juice carton and a worn-out old bit of a food processor. From this I deduced that my neighbour chews gum, shops at Tesco and cooks.
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Guitar strings - my neighbour is a musician!
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A TDK TR-18BK-T Black Ink Ribbon Cassette for CD/DVD Label Printers. My neighbour makes CDs. (And/or DVDs.)
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Paracetamol. From this, I deduce that my neighbour gets headaches.
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A train ticket from Liverpool Lime Street to London. From this, I deduce that my neighbour has a connection to Liverpool. This, taken alongside the guitar strings and the CD printer cartridge, could be construed as a musical connection, seeing as Liverpool was home of the world-famous Merseybeat and its various revivals. Or my neighbour might just come from there. Or not.
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Crank your smell-o-vision up to 9.
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My neighbour's a smoker! Silk cut is the leading low-tar brand in the UK. Which tells us nothing.
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I am starting to suspect that my neighbour is a vegetarian. I have a quick root through and I can't find any meat-related products. The closest thing I could find was...
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...fish. So I guess my neighbour's a pescatarian.
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ROC - Sink a Bite into Life. "Lush electro pop full of beauty, tempered optimism and gallows wit." I searched for this band on the Internet, and their homepage mentioned one of the band member's names... later on you'll see that I deduced my neighbour's name - and it turns out that they are the same person! My neighbour is in this band!
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Here are the band members of R.O.C. One of the two guys is, therefore, my neighbour.
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Step 2 - going through the recycling bag. Here's how I deduced my neighbour's name. (Censored for his privacy.)
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The Guardian. From this I deduced that my neighbour is probably left-wing.
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Mysterious scribblings. Ironically, given that this is the most explicit clue, I deduced nothing at all from this.
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I tried searching for this email address on the Internet to see if I could find out who it is, but no luck.
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Deacon are a "specialist provider of buildings and related insurance for residents and managing agents of blocks of flats." Therefore, I deduce that my neighbour owns his flat rather than renting it.
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Multivitamins. This, and the fact that my neighbour had taken the sports supplement out of the Guardian, suggests that he is health-conscious. But...
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...he enjoys his beer!
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More evidence that he's a vegetarian.
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He's a caffeinated coffee drinker.
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I tried calling this number. A man answered. I asked for a random name - he hummed and hawed. I asked innocently, "Who have I called?" But he was not so naive and he didn't give away who he was. I apologised for dialling a wrong number and hung up. Oh well, no deductions can be made from this one, then.
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My neighbour recently bought a Kenwood appliance. And didn't bother to register it.
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Two tickets for The Simpsons. You Americans reading this will probably be surprised that it's only just been released over here.
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Turn your smell-o-vision all the way to 11! I am literally almost retching while taking this picture. Yuk! Well, that's it. No bank statements or anything really juicy. But the revelation that my neighbour's in a 90's electro-pop band is pretty awesome! The moral of the story: be careful what you throw away, children... And be wary of extremely weird neighbours that go through your trash just for fun, children...
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Ian Kizu-Blair
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Blue
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Scarlett
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YellowBear
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The Villain
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Sean Mahan
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Bex.
5
anna one
5
Møuse
5
Meta tron
5
Lank
5
Ink Tea
5
Lincøln
5
Ben Yamiin
5
Burn Unit
5
susy derkins
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Adam
5
Jack
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o f
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That's drive for ya! The yuck factor, the quasi-legality, the smell...
And good sleuthing on top of that!
Holy poop! You discovered I am your neighbour.
A vegetarian, tesco-shopping, guardian-reading, music-loving, beer-swilling, train-riding person.
Although I dont smoke.
I have also managed to deduce that your neighbour must be P****** ********
Adam, thanks for your comment, but you should probably remove the guy's name for the sake of his anonymity. He didn't ask to be put on this website after all! [Edit - thank you for doing that!]
:)
C
This is truly devious.