(Posted on Craigslist:)

Jason Sevenaugh
San Francisco, CA

Decades of experience in exploration, navigating strange new territories and handling unusual responsibilities. Seeking employment in the fields of delivery services, crisis negotiation, unusual entity neutralization, or pangeology.


Talents and Skills:
Information retrieval, research, commercial- and heavy-vehicle operation, polyglot (English, occasional Japanese, some German, Glossolalia), generating personal force fields, empathy, flight (up to an altitude of three (3) feet), indefinite underwater breathing and FBI-evasion. Occasionally prone to teleporting at random, but always end up where I need to be.


Previous Jobs and Positions Held:
Documentor--
Witnessed nuclear atrocities happening in midwestern United States, including the creation of radioactive bloom spiders, and performed field-documentation to amass an archive and prevent further nuclear incidents.

Caravan Driver--
Led cargo train through Cardhome and successfully navigated citizen attempts to pilfer goods.

Art History Researcher--
Followed career of unknown Cuban artist producing installations of political poetry with references to abortion and Dutch television within triptychs of surrealist painting-collages featuring both human and non-human actors on a stage of sorts, that were simultaneously a play and instructions on producing the play. Research resulted in an offer to write for Porté magazine, which was refused.

Gamester--
Participated in Field Games of the Indifferent Outback. Scored in the upper third of all participants. Learned first aid techniques for handling game equipment malfunctions resulting in loss of minor appendages.

Raccoon--
Traversed forests and grocery stores. Ate okay.

Post-Attack Refugee/Ambassador--
After attacks on Manhattan, met with extra-dimensional stewards, wrapped in white cloth, that made empathetically-shared assurances that things would be alright.

Plant-People Discovery and Extermination Specialist--
Helped to combat the invasion of the small town of Navince by plant-life attempting to impersonate and replace townspeople. Fought with baseball bat and machete. Removed from position when ambushed and overwhelmed in the forest outside of town.

Befriender of Musical Talent--
Met Morrissey in Amsterdam. He wasn't affected at all as might be in the media, totally down to earth and friendly, and it made sense in the same way that it makes sense for Robert Smith to keep hairspray manufacturers in business—if they didn't do that, would you be able to recognize them? One can move around freely without the weight of celebrity if one finds a way to keep one's public persona a separate entity. No one involved in the meeting was made to be uncomfortable.


Education:
Columbia College, Chicago, IL
1993-1998
Graduated with a BA in Television Production, Editing

Naperville Central High School, Naperville, IL
1989-1993, 1994, 1995, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006

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Two responses:

Dear Mr. Jason Sevenaugh,

My name is C.F., and I reviewed your resume posted on craigslist.org. I was intrigued by your extensive language training, as well as your demonstrated commitment to immigrant and refugee welfare. I have an interesting proposition that may interest you.

I am not an employment recruiter; so, I cannot offer you a full-time, paid position. I wish you luck with that endeavor. However, I would like to invite you to join our volunteer organization. We are a developing human rights group dedicated to eliminating persecution abroad through research, dialogue, and action. We are made up of recent college graduates, as well as refugees now living in San Francisco who are eager to make a difference in the lives of refugees and asylum seekers both in the U.S. and abroad. We are in an early formative stage and want you to be a part of our passionate and committed team.

From your resume, it is evident that you have been awakened to human rights abuses and that you have taken positive steps toward improving the lives of persecuted individuals. We would like to invite you to join our organization. We would ask that you dedicate only a couple of hours a week to furthering our goals. If this interests you and if you would like to learn more about how you can become part of this exciting group, please respond to this e-mail. Either way, good luck with your future endeavors.

I hope this e-mail finds you well.

Best,
C.F.

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Greetings,

My name is J.B. I represent the European company CP. We are successfully extending
our business and now need to recruit regional representatives in various cities throughout the United States.

This work will not take much of your time, about 4-6 hours a week should be sufficient.

You don’t need any special education or skills. You will receive certain instructions, and this will be enough to prepare you for work.

Your monthly compensation will range from $3000 to $9000.

If you interests you can ask more detailed information in
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Sincerely, J.A.