If there is one thing I do, and do often, it's roleplay. Specifically, I run roleplays, of all sorts. I organize LARPs, I oversee online games, and I DM tabletop adventures. I might even be working this summer as a D&D teacher at a space camp.

Recently, I have crafted my own system, and begun teaching it to various friends. I wrote a oneshot adventure that appropriately demonstrates the style and feel of the system, and over the last three months, have run it five times across three states.

The system is called Bullshit d20.

The oneshot is called One Last Gig: A Night of Drugs, Sex, and Rock&Roll in Monster City.

It is every bit as silly as it sounds. Two of the times I have run it have been as D&D&D--Dungeons & Dragons & Dragons. (A simple variant--fail a roll, take a drink.) Every time I run this oneshot, nonstop hilarity ensues. It's wonderful and glorious and wildly offensive. It's the kind of system where characters have stats like HP: A Fuckton, Speed: Slow as Poops, MP: Boatloads, and abilities like Survive Drugs, Fuck Without Rest, Murder Your Face, and Drumstorm.

The PCs are the members of an all-monster rock band that is waning in popularity. They've been hired by a megacorporation to play a show at the keynote address of the new CEO, but someone has stolen their instruments! Infinite shenanigans ensue.

The band consists of Crynwyn Thorntooth, half-dragon half-merfolk guitarist; Elina Mayhem, succubus singer; Ragnar Smashface, minotaur bassist; Skzzkz Q. Mkzzkz, giant spider drummer; Gamma M-90, robot keyboardist; and the manager, Raven Shadowdarkness, an Owlbear.

Highlights from sessions have included:

> The guitarist summoning the spirits of Yngwie Malmsteen, Steve Vai, and Jimi Hendrix, and getting high enough in-character that he could air-guitar in tune with the cosmic vibrations of his missing guitar and track it down.

> The bassist robbing a liquor store, only to discover that the cashier was a huge fan, who just gave him all the booze anyway.

> The drummer (a mage) casting an elemental blast with the element of surprise! (Other elements used in magic attacks have included Krypton, Magnesium, Hydrogen, Phosphorus, Richard, Terrorist, and CEO. I think CEO may have been my favorite--the guitarist enchanted his sword with it, then stabbed an corporate headquarters to attempt a corporate takeover.)

> The robot keyboardist upgrading his laser eye beams and using them to put an even sweeter lightshow.

> The giant spider vivisecting the manager in search of his missing drums, having gotten a natural one on his intelligence check. When I asked the player how much health the manager had, he just said, "Enough." And sure enough, that's exactly what I written on the sheet. Enough. So the manager was fine.

> The same robot reconfiguring into and/or combining with vehicles as disparate as a stretch hover-limo, an unmarked white van, a moving truck, and a giant dragon. The dragon was subsequently crashed into the stage with the band riding on it, to kick off the concert.

Perhaps the silliest time I ran it (including having two different people--Greg being one of them--
simultaneously playing the robot), they decided to make a setlist for their new albums, consisting of quotes from the session.

(Warning: highly offensive and highly metal.)

I am the Fucking Phoenix-Mobile

1. Fucking While Unconscious
2. So Intimidating it was a Giant Spider
3. Choke Them to Death with Cancer
4. Untruck Yourselves and Go Rape Her
5. Slow the Fuck Down and listen, Thundercunt
6. And that's Fucking Hot
7. Shut the Fuck Up Roadie
8. We Didn't Know She Was Into That (Projectile Vomit)
9. Did We Make Her Come?
10. "Did I Fuck You?" "Did I Fuck You?"
11. I Hit It... With My Axe!
12. I Love It When You Roleplay With Me
13. Fucking on Top Of The Robot (Vomit-Covered Robot)
14. Polymorph Her Into a Guitar

My Mother is the Guitar

1. It's on Fire and Broken
2. I'm not Gonna Be a Fucking Blu-Ray Player!
3. We Start Fucking on the Car
4. Nuclear Drill-Rocket (A.K.A. Rocket-Powered Nuclear Drill Truck)
5. (Ow!) My Truck Nuts
6. The Nuclear Truck Vomits on the Sphinx
7. Covered in our Love Fluids
8. ... Punch it in the Face?
9. It is Made of Awesome
10. Murder EVERY Face!
11. No One is Flying the Dragon
12. 14 Kilos of Heroin

Bonus Tracks

1. If There Is No Path, WE Will Rape One
2. Your XXX Will Pierce the Heavens

So yeah. I've been having fun with tabletop roleplaying, recently. Shenanigans aplenty.

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Now then, with Bullshit d20 out of the way, it's time for phase two. ATATTA:R. This is where that Greg up there comes in, 'cause this one is his masterpiece.

What the fuck is ATATTA:R, you ask?

It's what happens when you combine
with

and add a whole boatload of improv shenanigans.

That's right.

Apples To Apples The Tabletop Adventure: Reloaded
(Which is Rattata spelled backwards.)

That's right. Greg figured out a way to turn Apples to Apples into D&D. It's pretty simple, honestly. First, the DMs (it works best with two) go through the box of cards and pull out particularly hilarious ones that make for good roleplaying shenanigans. This mostly means dropping the obscure people, or the TV shows--stick to random physical objects and strange attributes.

Players can choose from three classes: Summoners (who play noun cards in combat), Mages (who use adjective cards to alter enemies or other players), and Jacks (who get both types of cards, but have smaller hands). Characters are determined by two random red cards and a random green card.

From there, play is much like D&D. The DMs play noun cards for the PCs to fight, which they do by summoning things to fight for them. DMs often have particularly potent item cards to give as rewards for clever PC tricks (items like Duct Tape, My Body, The Internet, etc). The DMs often tell players to roll dice. Pretty much at random. Good times ensue.

The latest session (which happened on Party Gras) included PCs like a geriatric spy, Cherokee Jones (sex machine), Sean Connery (asshole), and enemies like the embodiment of Freckles. Who was defeated by an overload of UV Rays turning him into cancer and exploding. Next up they had to deal with the Mafia, who went on to call in a Family Reunion--of SHARKS! The Sharks used an Industrial Revolution to give them selves robot legs, but the PCs were able to handle it.

From there, Garrison Keillor took them to New Orleans, because it had drained all of Lake Wobegon and reflooded. They got there in a blur of radio, and had to deal with the forces of the Grateful Dead! A group of grumpy skeletons, 'cause it's New Orleans! Sean Connery summoned Woodstock to distract them, just as Cherokee Jones combined his Shiny pants and The 1970s to bring back disco fever. The two warring musical styles got in a fight, which was interrupted by the untimely arrival of Mardi Gras itself!

Garrison Keillor was eventually revealed as the true Big Bad (Cosmic Zombie Lord Keillor), and the PCs worked together to destroy all four of his heart's ventricles. ("Look down. Now back up. His blood is now DIAMONDS.") Connery played his Blank card, and the other PCs combined all of their items and cards onto it to summon a horrifying mechabomination of badassery and destroy Keillor once and for all.

... yeah, ATATTA:R is an awesome game.

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