5 + 21 points
Saucy Tales by Maryn Marston
April 28th, 2010 7:00 PM
THE TALE OF THE FORMER ROOMMATE FOOD HOARDER
I moved into a house, on the corner of a street, towards the end of a city, when the sky was just about to swell and burst with snow. Our home, a modest one, with 5 roommates & a vagabond that sleeps on the couch is what I can best describe as unconventional. None of us could really fit into the proverbial box, and honestly we like it this way.
Shattering our happy home of freaks, geeks, revolutionaries, artists, carnivores, and vegetarians alike was *Snick. He seemed to be a kindred spirit at first, but slowly as time went on his true nature became more apparent. I think everyone has had a roommate like ours at some point. You know the kind of roommate that wants to make your life a living hell because they are so miserable. Inevitably you will probably sneeze to loud thus causing a World War III style battle about boundaries & personal space, but I digress.
Coming closer to the end of myself & my roommates sharing a house with Snick we had slowly noticed that he was purchasing massive amounts of pickles, tortillas, and frozen boil-a-bag salmon fillets. We speculated as to why he might be collecting these. Zombie apocalypse? No, you can't take out a zombie with a boil-a-bag salmon fillet. Robot apocalypse? Hmm, potentially maybe the pickle juice, but even that scapegoat was fatally flawed. A few days later to my bewilderment 10 cans of tuna appeared, more pickles, calamari rings, and the weirdest one of all...smoked octopus! Let me make this also clear. He NEVER ate at home!!! We would go out or order a pizza, but never ate at home. So, finally after cleaning out our fridge for the millionth time of Snick's spoiled yogurt collection I lost it and screamed, "DEAR GOD! THE MAN IS A F#@$ING FOOD HOARDER. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM? I JUST THROUGH AWAY 10 THINGS OF SPOILED UNOPENED YOGURT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING JUST BLOCKS AWAY! FOOOOOD HOARDER BAHHHHHH!!!"
My roommates were entertained, but they all knew the truth. I was right it was wasteful & ridiculous. A few months later Snick moved out. A week later I cleaned out the fridge and cabinets,but I missed a boil-a-bag salmon which to this day remains in our freezer.
*Since this story is of a sensitive and embarrassing nature I have changed our now former roommates name as to not incriminate myself & my fellow roommates with someone of his caliber.
I moved into a house, on the corner of a street, towards the end of a city, when the sky was just about to swell and burst with snow. Our home, a modest one, with 5 roommates & a vagabond that sleeps on the couch is what I can best describe as unconventional. None of us could really fit into the proverbial box, and honestly we like it this way.
Shattering our happy home of freaks, geeks, revolutionaries, artists, carnivores, and vegetarians alike was *Snick. He seemed to be a kindred spirit at first, but slowly as time went on his true nature became more apparent. I think everyone has had a roommate like ours at some point. You know the kind of roommate that wants to make your life a living hell because they are so miserable. Inevitably you will probably sneeze to loud thus causing a World War III style battle about boundaries & personal space, but I digress.
Coming closer to the end of myself & my roommates sharing a house with Snick we had slowly noticed that he was purchasing massive amounts of pickles, tortillas, and frozen boil-a-bag salmon fillets. We speculated as to why he might be collecting these. Zombie apocalypse? No, you can't take out a zombie with a boil-a-bag salmon fillet. Robot apocalypse? Hmm, potentially maybe the pickle juice, but even that scapegoat was fatally flawed. A few days later to my bewilderment 10 cans of tuna appeared, more pickles, calamari rings, and the weirdest one of all...smoked octopus! Let me make this also clear. He NEVER ate at home!!! We would go out or order a pizza, but never ate at home. So, finally after cleaning out our fridge for the millionth time of Snick's spoiled yogurt collection I lost it and screamed, "DEAR GOD! THE MAN IS A F#@$ING FOOD HOARDER. WHATS WRONG WITH HIM? I JUST THROUGH AWAY 10 THINGS OF SPOILED UNOPENED YOGURT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING JUST BLOCKS AWAY! FOOOOOD HOARDER BAHHHHHH!!!"
My roommates were entertained, but they all knew the truth. I was right it was wasteful & ridiculous. A few months later Snick moved out. A week later I cleaned out the fridge and cabinets,but I missed a boil-a-bag salmon which to this day remains in our freezer.
*Since this story is of a sensitive and embarrassing nature I have changed our now former roommates name as to not incriminate myself & my fellow roommates with someone of his caliber.
