Learning How To Fish.

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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.

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I've actually always sort of disliked this statement. #1, I'm a vegetarian. #2, I was born female. Why not teach a woman how to fish? Or teach a woman how to grow corn? Or not even a woman. A person!

Give a person stuff and they'll inevitably come to rely on you more. Teach a person how to be self-sufficient and then they've got a chance at life.

Nah. Fishing sounds better.

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My mother tried to fix up this metaphor. Something about how it was bad to throw away carrots, because people in Africa were starving, but we couldn't send our carrots to them, we had to teach them how to grow carrots.

I'm fairly certain that carrots don't grow in that climate.

And besides, carrots have no significant amount of protein. Starving children would be better off with fish.

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I'm still a vegetarian. And I totally love carrots.

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Anyways. Fishing. For something that wasn't fish.

This is the story of me fishing for happiness. And this is the story of me finding something else: balance, and friends.

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My childhood isn't that happy of a story.

It's not horrible. I was given every material thing that I wanted, got to try out anything I needed, and was never abused. My father smokes, but neither he nor my mother were alcoholic or addicted to any drugs. They played with me. Heck, I didn't even have TV.

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But there's a different type of neglect. The one where your father has the emotional maturity of a three-year-old, and starts to disappear after you're in first grade. Where your mother has given up on you because you don't like hugging, and her sons do, but really because you remind her too much of him. Where you're left home alone--even though it's safe, and you've got dogs, and you've got stuff to do, and never at night. Where you have to start cooking your own meals. Where no one cares what you get in school.

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I once brought back a 100 on a test, only for my mother to say that she hoped I failed, so that I could know what it felt like. So that I could understand.

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I never understood why I was always failing her.

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There were affairs, too. Both parents having one simultaneously. I was the one who discovered it. I was the one who kept it a secret, for both of them, to protect my brothers.

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No one was ever protecting me.

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I pushed myself. To the point of breaking.

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It took a while for me to pick myself up off the ground.

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It started with a wish: someone who would understand.

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It started with a hope: someone whom I could trust.

They never betrayed my trust.

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It started with a story.

A slightly ridiculous story. There was some hero who saved people, and they began to rely on him, and he had to face his anti-self who was wearing a flannel shirt (to which my moirail protested that flannel was awesome) and there was questioning about who the true villain was and then the whole basement became hell and the hero pulled a sword from his chest and defeated his nemesis then sat down and thought--

and decided to go out and teach someone how to fish.

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It started with a hug, and a whisper:

"Thank you for starting to teach my how to fish."

"Thank you for listening."

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So I learned to talk. I learned to trust. I learned to have friends. I learned to find adventures where I was. I learned who I was, and I learned that I didn't really hate who I was.

Not at all.

In fact, I'm kind of awesome.

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Life is still crazy.

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I'm taking two years of high school in one. I'll be going off to college next year, a year early. I'm taking pretty much nine courses right now. I'm overburdened in all of them. And I'm trying to write and juggle friendships and family stuff and it's overwhelming a lot of the time.

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I'm not happy.

Not all the time, at least.

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I don't think I want to be happy.

Not all the time, at least.

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My father once told me something--happiness isn't the function, it's the derivative.

Happiness isn't what life gives you. It's all about change.

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I know why I overburden myself so much. It's because I can't stand being bored. I need action, purpose, goals, change.

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I've changed.

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I'm not depressed anymore. I don't hurt myself anymore. But there's more than that--I have friends. My world has expanded. And if some metaphorical tidal waves comes to try to submerge me, I've got lifeboats, and I've got contingency plans.

I can deal with life.

I've pretty much learned how to fish.

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I'm still a vegetarian. They're tofu fish.

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So no, I'm not happy all the time. Even though I was fishing for happiness. But I'm happy 50% of the time, which is *so* much better than 1% of the time, and I know that even during the suck-y parts of life that the awesome parts will come back. So I'm okay with that.

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Next step: getting a tiger.