I am addicted to okc.

But for this task I became addicted to Final Fantasy Thirteen. I played for well over 12 hours a day until I beat it. Starting on March 9th and ending on March 15th I did nothing but sleep and play this game. In six days I played this game for 74 1/2hours clocked. I lay in bed with the wireless controller clutched in carpel tunnel death grip. I didn't use my phone, I didn't get on the computer except to search out tips and hints, I lived this game until the 7th day, at which point, I declared this task defeated!

BUT, like any real hardcore addiction, after some initial highs, I didn’t enjoy a minute of this process because:

The thing is, when I was a little boy, I rented Final Fantasy Two.

And my heart was attached for good. I took Cecil the dark knight and atop that mountain of doom I showed him the light. Look at this brooding sexy mother-shut-your-mouth:



I read about final fantasy three for years. But it only came out in Japan and it came out in Japan as Final Fantasy Five. When it finally released here in the US it was really Final Fantasy Six. The American box of course called it three.



But it was six and so we shall call it six. In Final Fantasy Six I killed my favorite character:



because I’m a soulless mother fucker and he told me not to wait for him. “Go on without me, save yourself.” And so when the world was destroyed. I was left alone.

Then came Final Fantasy Seven on the Playstation. For those of you that don’t know, and I sort of hope that’s all of you, but I’m guessing that it’s actually only a few of you: This was a time of great distress. Square, the makers of Final Fantasy gave Nintendo the finger. “We want CDs,” they said. “We need more room.” Seven was big. It was in 3d and it had tons of playable characters and mini games and a story so thick you couldn’t cut it with a knife. You had to break that bread off with your fingers and munch on it with your teeth for weeks.

I remember the day it was announced as a Playstation exclusive because that’s when I bought a Playstation. I gave Nintendo the finger. And for the most part I haven’t looked back on that decision. I played Final Fantasy Thirteen on the PS3.

Why does Final Fantasy Seven matter to the tasking? Well, it was at the conclusion of this game that the race began.

Mike Deran (Not the correct spelling.) and I have raced to beat every main Final Fantasy since. Minus 11 because that’s an MMO and there’s no beating an MMO.


Mike Deran is one of my best friends. If I recall correctly, he beat me at 9 and 10.

When Twelve came out I hadn’t realized. I was homeless in new Orleans. Living in my car and the library and working as an assistant manager at a Dominoes and a driver/manager at The Worlds Healthiest Pizza. I don’t know how I found out about it, but the next day I’d purchased a PS2, a portable tv and the game. I started playing in the Tulane library in the hours I had left from the two jobs. (I was working 80-90 hour weeks.) And I kicked the shit out of Mike Deran’s time that year.

So when Thirteen was released at midnight at 12:01 March 9th, it was on. You hear that Mike Deran! You will never beat me again. (This year he’s all “getting his phd” so he hasn’t started playing yet. He lives a little vicariously through his wife who is like 15 hours in, last I checked.)

I didn’t know that the game would suck sooo bad.

There are a number of reviews I’ve found reminiscent of my experience, but this is an excerpt from the most famous:



Here is the story of this thing.

You are cursed by a god from another planet, Pulse, to destroy the planetoid, Cocoon, which hovers several miles above Pulse. Cocoon is the place you call home. If you don’t do it, you become a demon/zombie thing. If you do it you become a crystal and gain eternal life. You know, at the expense of everyone you’ve ever known or loved. Luckily for you, none of the main characters have any family. That’s right, all of them are orphans. Minus the one labled as Twat. He has a dad who doesn’t give a shit about him.

[picture of me enraged not found]

I don’t know if any of you have ever played D&D. I’m suspecting, because you’re playing sf0 but I don’t know. So let me tell you, “My back story is that I have no back story,” is not something you want to hear from a D&D player let alone a fucking "well-written, story-centered" video game.

So anyway, you decide, squirrelly band of brothers that you are, We ain’t going to destroy Cocoon. But you don’t tell anyone this, so everyone on Cocoon tries to kill you. So in “self defense” you kill them, usually first. You slaughter millions of basically innocent guards on your way to have words with this god who cursed you. The god was supposed to be from Pulse but turns out he was from Cocoon. In fact, he's the king god of Cocoon and has been masquerading as a human, a little Jesus Christ homage there for you, for years.

And he’s all, “Kill me, I need to fucking die. I hate this life.” (Also sort of like the King of the Jews. It's fate y'all.)

And so you fight him in a big battle but you’re not really into killing anymore(?) so you run away instead. (I do not in anyway recommend watching this cut scene/battle. But this is where we are at in the story.)



And in running away you just happen to sort of accidentally fall off of Cocoon. Then you start killing random monsters for hours. I wish I could explain to you how frustratingly nonsensical and witless these “side quests” are. And how little they make any sense in the context of the narrative's own continuity. It turns out that there are all these demons who have turned into unmovable stone. But if you complete their task, then they will be saved. Only when you complete their task, they just sort of glow. And they hang out there, just in case you want to complete their task again. And you do because you need to grind a lot. And they don’t ever say thank you. In fact. Half of them ask you not to complete their task because their task is killing something that is NICE! But you know, the linier story pretty much forces you to kill these things to progress forward. So you kill things. Like baby monsters that are just hanging out or monsters so tormented by their un-life that they’ve locked themselves up and alone inside sealed rooms in dungeons in order to not be seen by anyone or anything ever again. You also kill some more gods for shits and giggles. Like the one who takes care of the jet stream. This doesn’t have a noticeable effect on the world.

I also wish I could explain to you my state at this point. I'm like thirty hours in. I basically haven't left my bed. I've lost weight. I've got the chills. But I'm addicted. So I'm pressing forward. Because this task has two parts. 1. get addicted. 2. kick an addiction. And the only way I'm going to kick this addiction is if I see the final credits roll.

So this motley crew, they decide it’s time to go back to Cocoon to stop the army from killing this god who keeps cursing people. Only to find out -- you know, after killing thousands in the army’s ranks -- that this army wasn't trying to kill the god thing after all. So guess what you decide next?

To kill the god.

And then the world is destroyed but! Oh look, two of your ranks is a Deus Ex Machina, and they turn into crystals so big that they can cradle the planetoid Cocoon. And therefore you defy fate! Proving you're better than god, because god can't escape fate. But humans can. You walk off into the sunset “victorious,” without the cursed mark of the beast anymore, presumably to throw a party for yourselves.

I haven’t even gone into the bad level design or the bad game mechanics. And I can. Oh I can.




And though I spent over 12hrs a day and lost 10lbs in the process, I beat Mikey D and best of all, I’m not playing anymore!



To Long; Didn’t Read

I destroyed this task.

1. I got addicted to Final Fantasy Thirteen.
2. Then I kicked it in the habit.
3. ???
4. Points profit!


(It’s time for me to start grinding some more tasks.)