This piece was inspired by an ad found by White Noise:

Single, Successful, Powerful Homeless Man Seeking Woman of His Dreams - 37
Reply to: pers-181416364@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-07-12, 11:10PM EDT


Hello Ladies,

I am a single, successful and powerful homeless man seeking his ideal mate. I am a free spirit, and socially conscious (I only cover myself at night with the Post and old copies of Mother Jones).

My suite of boxes is located in and around Georgetown, a very swanky neighborhood. The food one finds in garbage cans in this area is top notch, and the people are fairly clean, so we will dine well. In the libation department, one can usually find a few good swallows left in the odd bottles of fine wines. And the cigar butts are usually Cuban. Being homeless around those who have mastered the art of fine living can have its rewards, ladies.

As it is now summertime, automatic sprinklers mean that I am clean most of the time. Many of my neighbors grow rosemary and mint in their gardens. When ground into a poultice, and applied with Oak twigs, these herbs do a dynamite job of keeping my teeth and breath in tip top shape. So, when we kiss by the moonlight, you may be assured that it will be a pleasant experience.

I prefer women who do not smoke. I have trouble enough scrounging up enough recyclables to cover my own smoking habit, let alone yours. If you do smoke, well, you will be responsible for your own habit.

You should be fit, and agile. You should love the outdoors, and be appreciative of the small things in life. Please, no stuck up women who will nag me to find more boxes to add on to my pad. I like my life, and I like who I am - don't need anyone to try to change me.

Finally, the ability to communicate with animals would be nice. I fought with a raccoon last night over a half eaten chicken leg, and didn't get the best of it. If you could smooth the way for us with the various dogs, feral cats and the occassional opposum, that would be very cool.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Hank the Hobo