Zombie Dietary Replacement Regimen

What if a zombie got into your house and you had nothing to serve? That could be awkward--maybe enough to lose your mind over a main course? Never fear. Here is something that you can whip up as a delicious, nutritious meal on the go from the freezer and make sure you are prepared for the Zombies when they finally figure out the doorknob.

So I began to wonder if there were actually a way to bring Zombies back from their diet of brains-- I decided I had to help them make soft transition to more appropriate dietary choices acceptable to those not undead rather that asking them to go cold-turkey on brains.

I figured I might make brain-replacement cuisine, much in the same fashion as Tofurkey and Surimi (fake crab). The idea is to bring Zombies softly off of their need for brains, and for this I created Zombie Meatloaf presented here step -by-step with recipe and pictures.

I begin with a simple recipe that would offer reasonable facsimile to real human brains by figuring the volume and weight with a brain-mold and about 4 lbs of hamburger. Human brains typically weigh about 1400 grams with a conversion to ounces being about 49. Along with this I took into account that this should be healthy, so i planned on fire roasted tomato paste from Costco, with Quaker instant oats , Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper, and ramps and onion rather that garlic and onion to reduce gassiness.

The recipe looks like this:

Heat oven to 350°F. Combine all ingredients in large bowl; mix lightly but thoroughly.



You are going to need a brain mold, I suggest the Brain Gelatin Mold from Amazon for 5.99
This is a bit more expensive than the Zombie Gelatin Brain Mold, but i thought the detail and the scale were much more lifelike, and you would not want to show your guests that you cut corners on dinner.

So make sure that you have added the oatmeal, all of the ingredients, including the finely cut onions and ramps. . . these add flavor and texture -- and for a zombie making the change from human brain to dietary replacement, you don't want them to have to gut it out.

Remember, the brain is completely surrounded by a hard, protective, rounded shell of bone, known as the skull or cranium. The important thing to remember about the skull is that underneath the front there are a number of bony ridges.; so, you are going to want to make sure that the outer-texture stays soft.

The texture of the brain is rather like soft blancmange, but is held together in the skull by a number of layers of membrane called the dura, pia and arachnoid.

Between the pia and arachnoid membranes is the subarachnoid space, in which run the blood vessels supplying and draining the brain. Like any organ, the brain is dependent on blood from the heart, and is criss-crossed by a network of large arteries, which divide into progressively smaller branches. When the brain is shaken about in a head injury, these vessels tear and bleed. As people get older, the blood vessels become more brittle and more likely to tear if shaken around. This bleeding leads to a build-up of blood clots, which pressurizes and damages the delicate tissue of the brain.

I am not sure that you really want to offer geriatric brain, unless it has been aged properly, so your best bet might be a twenty-something brain of an athlete that likes sudoku and organic sushi; with this in mind, I would recommend you stay away from Uptown and hipster locales, as well as the warehouse district.
So fill the mold with care. Make the mix fit closely so that the surface area resembles the topography of the brain. . . make sure the mold is well-packed in so that the angular gyrus, the cortex, and both cerebral hemispheres are identifiable -- this will give the impression that you went to the health club near the dorms.



I find it is best if I spray the mold with a non-aerosol olive oil-- healthy, yet still allows the brain to slide out of the mold intact and firm -- remember, a brain that looks scarred comes off as aged and abused. This could put the discriminating zombie off their dinner and earn you the reputation as a poor host.

Once the mold has been gently but firmly packed, you are ready to place a baking sheet covered with foil over the opening of the mold and quickly, but gently, flip the mold so that the opening abuts the foil-covered cookie sheet. Then lightly tap and the brain should thlump to your cooking surface.

There is one thing that may set this recipe apart from others, and that is the Cerebellum Substitute. Just behind the brain stem sits a curved lump of tissue called the cerebellum.

For the cerebellum, I felt that we should switch things up a bit and offer Cauliflower that gives that hard firm consistency that the Ancient Greek Physician Galen believed to be the source of strength for the motor nerves.



This substitution should offer a bit of surprise for even the pickiest zombie epicure. Don't worry about any olive oil residue from the mold, remember that the brain in its membranous sack floats in a sea of cerebrospinal fluid, which fills in all the gaps around the brain and offers some protection and cushioning. The olive oil will look right at home if you are caught during preparation and keep that brain firm and moist.

Once you have the brain all ready to go, cover the brain with ketchup -- I like to make my own, but in a pinch Heinz is good -- softly cover and spread with a spatula and then into the oven. Although some argue that covering with ketchup and Worcestershire sauce makes the brain look hemorrhaged, I feel it adds flavor and makes it seem more festive and holiday-appropriate.


Bake 50 to 55 minutes or until meatloaf is to medium doneness (160°F for beef, 170°F for turkey), until not pink in center and juices show no pink color--brains are gray, not pink.



Twenty minutes before it is done, the grease/liquid is drained off. Cover the meatloaf with more ketchup mixed and splash Worcestershire Sauce over the ketchup; I always make a double batch to spoon over each piece.

Let stand 5 minutes before slicing and serve. This should feed one zombie or a family of eight easily. Don't be afraid to let yourself go with garnishes and side dishes.

Cover and refrigerate leftovers promptly and use within 2 days, or wrap airtight and freeze up to 3 months.

1 cauliflower -- this serves as the crunchy Cerebellum
4 pounds lean ground beef or turkey
1.5 cup Quaker® Oats
1.5 cup finely chopped onion
2 cup of pureed tomato and paste
2 eggs, lightly beaten
.5 cup Worcestershire sauce
1 ramp, minced
1 teaspoon salt
.5 teaspoon black pepper