A Clue: In which I follow a series of hidden messages to uncover a Sinister Conspiracy right in my own back yard.



The starting point: Smedly's Coffee House in Fells Point, Baltimore.
(For details, see my soapboxing in Restroom Photography.)


The first clue. Someone had spray-painted arrows on the sidewalk right outside the cafe. Clearly, there was something important for me to find down this way.


My mission becomes clearer: NO STOPPING
Clearly, something deeply sinister is afoot, and urgent action is called for on my part. I cannot pause in my mission until I have uncovered the truth!


There is only ONE WAY to go. Time to turn right.
(Note: This photo contains foreshadowing!)


But clearly not down that way. Turning left...


Just as I came to the corner, the crosswalk light turned to "stop".
But the crosswalk to my left immediately switched to "go". Clearly, I was being guided by a Higher Power (or someone with access to the stoplight control computer) toward a particular destination.


NO STOPPING, so I had to snap this picture as I hurried across the street.



The clues have led me down to the waterfront. What now?


It seems that nothing at all is permitted here -- except... fishing? But only in a few key places. This is obviously an important clue!


But there are no fish here. The water is gross.


But...
What is this? One of the signs has been knocked over! Someone (or... some-thing!?) was trying to cover their trail. Was the fishing notice just a red herring? (*groan*)

The big metal pole was heavy, but I managed to lift it up enough to snap a picture of the sign underneath.
It depicted a strange rectangular robot, and the command:
PAY TO PARK
Was this some sort of threat? A sinister protection racket run by an evil organization? Or maybe another clue...


After surveying the area, I located the mechanism depicted in the sign.
I paid the machine, as I had been instructed.


In return for my ten cents, I received a slip of paper . Most of it was standard meaningless nonsense: the date, time, and whatnot -- no doubt the same printiout format for anyone who accessed this terminal...


But there, in the bottom left corner: a string of numbers, printed in a different ink than the rest of the message:
Two, Four, Seven, Zero
This was definitely a clue! But what in the world did the numbers mean?
I kept walking...


And there, smack in the middle of my path, I found a map!
A numbered map!
And there -- Two, Four, and Seven!
But where was the Zero? Was it some link to SFZero? How did the interface terminal know I was associated with SF0? Was my internet connection being monitored???

Maybe whatever I found at Two, Four, and Seven would lead me to my final destination -- the elusive Zero.

2: The end of the Broadway Market Pier
Lots of seagulls here. As instructed, I did not feed the wildlife.

On one of the big heavy metal things they tie ships to at the end of the pier, there was this painting of a little man with no head.
Could this be the emblem of the sinister organization I was tracking?
Some sort of threat, to scare off anyone who was digging to deep?

Celarly, I was on the right path, if I was making them this concerned. I was comitted now. There was no turning back.


The view back along the pier.

4 - Whatever this place was historically, it's a burrito joint now.

Got soup?
I didn't. It was cold outside, and besides -- all this investigation was making me hungry. So I went inside and said "Got Soup?"


And they did have soup. Spicy black bean something something.
I was distracted by the picture on the wall. "Would You Serve This Hombre An Inferior Burrito?"
Who was this mustachioed man? Why must you be careful not to serve him an inferior burrito? What in the world does this have to do with fishing???

Got soup.
Since there was NO STOPPING, I took it to go.


I stopped back to consult the map, and to taste the soup. It was good.


7: The Fell Family cemetery.
Here lie the founding family of Fells Point -- shipping entrepreneurs and land developers. I sat on the wall here and ate my soup, pondering where to go next. I still had no idea how to find the Zero.


For lack of a better plan, I continued down the street from the Fells family cemetery. At the corner, I found a notice nailed to the tree. Someone had condemned this tree! Why would someone want to kill a tree? Trees are nice. They give us oxygen. The make the city cheerful and green (at least, when it's not winter). This one even was a home to baby birds!
But the tree wasn't dead -- just dieing. So, whoever was killing it didn't consider it an immediate threat. Interesting.


But at least the birdhouse was safe.
I on the other hand, still had no idea what to do.


Then I saw the sign in the corner window across the street. Free Advice.
I tried the door, but it was locked, and the lights were off. I guess the store was closed for the weekend.

But then, as I turned to leave, I head the door open behind me.
I turned, and there was a man standing in the threshold.

"Hello," I said hesitantly, "I saw your sign, and I'd like some free advice."

It turns out that the property was no longer a store, but Alex -- the guy who lives there now -- had just never taken down the sign. He cheerfully offered me some advice anyway, saying that energy prices will continue to rise, driven by demand from China and India.


I explained how I was looking for clues, and asked him which direction I could go from there. He told me more about the history of Fells Point -- about how back in the day, it used to be a vibrant bohemian artist community. And long before that, Fredrick Douglass was active in the area -- and that there was a Frederick Douglass museum nearby that I should check out.

There it was! The clue I was searching for!

I hurried back to the map.


There -- Frederic Douglass' house!
Quickly! To Dallas Street!


After a bit of searching, I found it!


But the street was empty, except for these two guys playing blues guitar. Nothing sinister happening here at all.


But then I realized that I was only street away from 700 block of Dallas St. That was the 0 I was looking for! Right after a 7, like on my ticket!

I hurried down the alley to find...


The road was closed! Access to 700 was blocked!
And from the message posted on the street sign, there was definitely something fishy about this particular street being closed. It smelled of a corporate cover up!

Maybe I could get through if I circled around the block from the other side.


The rest of the block was taken up by a parking lot for the bakery trucks.


Is the bakery brainwashing its drivers? What's really going on here?
But the first line "Welcome Home" is clear. This clue means that whatever suspicious activity I've been searching for, the evidence is here in this parking lot.

And there, hidden behind the trucks at the back of the parking lot -- only visible from 700 S. Dallas Street...

What the??? A MOTORBOAT? Why does a bakery need a boat?


A... CAMOUFLAGED MOTORBOAT!?!?!?
What. The. -----.
Why is there an army-camouflaged motorboat hidden behind the bakery's distribution center???

And furthermore...

What's this? A fishing license?
I thought fishing was only permitted in designated locations?
Have I unwittingly stumbled onto some sort of secret mackerel-smuggling blockade runner? This is HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.

I snapped a few pictures for evidence, and then hurried on my way.
It was just in time, because out of nowhere, uniformed security guards in fluorescent jackets appeared on the street behind me.


When I reached the end of the block, I furtivly slipped out my camera.
The secuity guy is that little black blob next to the light pole...

I was so focused on evading the guards behind me, that I wasn't paying attention to what was up ahead...


Uh oh! More of them.

Quick! Quick! Act like a clueless tourist taking pictures of the buildings or something!


Yes, yes. I am taking pictures of the sunset. Not your secret camouflaged boat.


Oh crap. That guy saw me. He's coming over.
Abort! Abort!


I took refuge in the nearest open door -- a Whole Foods Market.
I grabbed a basket, and tried to act like a normal shopper. Unfortunately, Strange Foods was still on my task list, so I ended up with a basket of oddly colored potatoes, and some sort of knobby root thing. But at least I was able to bide my time until it was safe to slip home under the cover of darkness.





Epilogue:



This is the path I traced over the course of my investigation.
Smedly's is marked with an S.
2, 4, and 7 are the map points I visited.
? is the boat, and ! is where I escaped the guards by hiding in Whole Foods.
Incidentally, you can even see the boat from space! (Or at least, Google Maps' aerial photography) Check out the coordinates section of this proof.

Total time elapsed: 2 hours.
Total Guards Evaded: Five
Total Suspicious Conspiracies Uncovered: One

Mission Successful!

But there are still unanswered questions...

• Who is the elusive mustachioed hombre?
  Solved! He is Emiliano Zapata. (See comments below)









• Why does the picture of the man with the top hat have no head?










• Who or what is killing the trees -- and why?










• And of course... WHY IS THERE A BOAT THERE???