Ben Yamiin / Texts
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Keep it moving along...
Well, I just realized that I never told anybody the story,
So anyone here who knows me in real life is aware of my connection to the Bahá'í faith. I converted in 2002, just after I got to college. I had been looking into many different religions at that point, as a way to define my spirituality, I guess, and I found both the tenants and the community of the Bahá'ís to be very close to my liking.
Being a member of an organized religion is remarkably comforting - there's something to be said about being able to give a one-word answer to someone when they ask you what you believe in. It's not that it gets you out of going into a potential spiel (not that many people know what the Bahá'í faith is) but it gives, in a way, a sort of legitimacy to your belief system. I had never had this before, as I was never raised with a religion. Additionally, it gives access to an automatic community - whereever I went, I could rely on the fact that if I contacted the local Bahá'í community, I would have companionship. That's extraordinarily powerful. As a matter of fact, when I returned to San Francisco after college, my first contacts came from the Bahá'ís (my second major way of meeting new people was SFØ!).
So I was very comfortable with being a Bahá'í, even if there were some small disagreements I had with some of the beliefs. However, these disagreements began to grow more and more personal and close to home as time went on.
The first one I had to deal with was the 'no sex' clause. The Bahá'í faith says, like pretty much every other organized religion, no sex before marriage. When I first converted, I was in a very stable long-term relationship that was developing into the stage where we talked about marriage. As such, I wasn't as concerned because, even though I was having sex, soon enough it would be the OK kind of sex. But, we broke up in 2005 and I realized I never really thought that only having sex once one is married is a really healthy option. I wouldn't want to marry someone if I wasn't sure that I was sexually compatible with them. That, and I have the innate feeling that sex is something that's just Good, just virtuous, and to restrict it in this way seemed wrong.
The second is the Bahá'í attitude towards non-heterosexuality. Over time, I figured out that my attraction to others wasn't necessarily gender-based, and the Bahá'í faith has a problem with this. For more details, see this link.
The third is certain official and unofficial structures within the Bahá'í community. One of the principles of the Bahá'í faith is what's referred to as the "Independent Investigation of the Truth." In fact, this principle is one of the reasons I declared myself Bahá'í. Over time, I realized that the formal institutions of the Bahá'í faith make strong judgments on certain matters, and even the ones that aren't specifically addressed have what one could call a 'right answer' in the community. Dissent is generally not tolerated - not in a hollywood-y fingerpointing angry kind of way, but a "that's an excellent point! thank you for bringing that up. now, about etc...." kind of way.
So about a year ago, I started drinking alcohol again. It's against the Bahá'í faith to drink alcohol, a rule I've never had a problem with, so breaking my alcohol fast became my way of protesting against many of these problems I was noticing. I still don't drink very much, and I don't miss it when I can't do it.
And then, when I was in Ouidah, I began to think about it and I realized that it was time to make the move, time to move on. Rings are a potent symbol in the Bahá'í faith, most believers wear them and you could make the comparison with a Christian wearing a cross around their neck. I got mine in India for about US$0.25, and I was very attached to it, basically wearing it every day until that one in Ouidah. But moving on here was certainly not an easy decision - it's a bit like realizing that after a certain time, it's time to leave your parent's house. You're well aware that it's no longer the place for you, but out there is big and it's scary and you have to figure it all out for yourself.
Losing the community aspect is hard as well. It's difficult to describe the feeling of constantly having a community for support and then realizing that after the moment, that community is no longer accessible. I'm sure that the good friends I made as a Bahá'í will probably remain my friends, but I'm sure they'll be disappointed. And the ones that were not as close of friends will probably no longer be very close at all.
I still have a great deal of respect for many, many Bahá'ís and I applaud the work they do towards world peace and the spiritual fulfillment of many people, but I recognize that I can no longer be part of those institutions and can no longer call myself Bahá'í.
So, I left my ring next to that tree and told it something that I hadn't told anyone else at that point - that I was no longer a Bahá'í. I'm glad I was holding on to it, honestly, because I felt, both symbolically and literally, that the whole world was crashing down on me at that point. And that I was being supported, both literally and symbolically, by that tree.
-Ben
Oh no. Oh no no no...
This mustn't be allowed to happen.
I still have
the model
sutro towerin my bag
and have taken
it around
the world
with me
Forgive me
it's squished
yet so sweet
and so awesome
A glamor photographer has the ability to make unattractive people look attractive in a photograph.
You have the uncanny ability to do the opposite. That's totally worth a vote.
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckstrangelysexy?fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
i can understand your feelings of heartbreak emanating from this praxis. bex 'n yellowbear's relationship always seems to have some element of heartbreak in it (to me). But in a positive kind of way - like the way that two people are just before one of them gets on a train to go away for a long while. sometimes, that's the best two people are - there's no fighting or animosity of any kind, both people are just embracing every last moment they have together.
You two always seem to be living in that sort of aura.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Fuck Freud!