1. The future of the past.
Posted by Loki on October 9th, 2007

There are three ways to accurately predict the future, short of discovering time travel.

1. Say something so vague that it has no predictive power. This is the strategy of futurists and political analysts.
2. Say something so obfuscated by symbolic nonsense that it can be interpreted to mean anything at all. This is the strategy long pursued by prophets and seers.
3. Only talk about events that you have a reasonable chance at making happen by yourself. This is the strategy I have chosen in completing this task.

On Wednesday, Nov 5, 2008, some time between 11:17 am and 2:39 pm local time, I will approach another SF0 player in a public place. The player will not recognize me, as I will be well disguised, and he or she will not be suspicious, because this task completion will have been long forgotten.

I will approach to within seven feet of the player, and then I will shout "Excelsior," while attacking them with canned silly string. I will photograph the silly-string covered player before revealing my identity.

I will hand over a printout of this task completion, along with a detailed affidavit upon which the player will certify that the future has unfolded as specified here.

I will offer the player a chocolate dipped biscotti and a greeting card with a picture of a horse on the front, as compensation for having to pick silly string out of their hair.

Finally, I will update this task completion with evidence that the future has been accurately predicted, and I will add the victim and those who have helped me snare the victim as collaborators, except for any who have already completed this task on their own.

So it is written in the praxis.

So it shall be done.

If I were you, I'd hold off on voting for this until after prophecy has been fulfilled. And for prank's sake, don't go mentioning this anywhere on SF0 as the date approaches. I mean it!

Finally, to keep the shameful ".txt" icon out of the praxis, here's an image. This is what the future would look like, if I and my victim were not people but were instead stick figures drawn with a permanent marker on the back of an envelope by someone with no artistic talent sitting at a cafe table waiting an unreasonably long time for vindaloo.


2. The recent past of the present.
Posted by Loki on November 7, 2008.

Key phrases which summarize the following long-winded, self-indulgent text:

Kyle Hamilton. In a school parking lot. Wearing a gorilla mask. Laying in the bed of the Justice Truck. With silly string. With a picture of horses. Chocolate dipped. Signed. But, early!

Friends, I'm afraid I failed to accurately predict the future. The details were correct, but I got the time wrong. The future occurred approximately 15 minutes earlier than documented.

Boy, did I have big plans for this one. They involved airplanes, wheelchairs, UPS uniforms, and lots of collaborators providing misdirection. Like so many grand and vague ideas, executing this one proved a little more complicated than I expected. The last couple of weeks have been filled with commitments (personal, professional, political, and medical) which prevented me from spending more than half a day on this task. I wasn't even sure I'd end up with that much time until a few nights before the date.

I really wanted my victim to be someone not in the SF Bay area, and by the time I figured out how much time I had available and how much money I was willing to spend on a ten hour trip, that left only a few viable candidates. I was pleased to realize that one of them was the task master himself.

I spent some time digging for information on Kyle, including some praxis detective work and mining of all the orphaned links on his college's website. Then I remembered to try some of the popular social networking sites, and discovered that my efforts, much like my first attempt at player stalking, had been a waste of time.

I ran into road-work and traffic, and arrived in Kyle's town somewhat later than intended. When I finally made it to his home, I was relieved to find the Justice Truck in the driveway. I pulled over down the block to watch for him in the rear view mirror. Twenty minutes later, I began to get worried. Did I have the wrong class schedule? Was Kyle skipping school today? Or, had he already left in some other vehicle?

I gave up and headed for Kyle's college. His 8:00 AM class was already in session, and after several passes by the door I convinced myself Kyle wasn't there. I drank some horrible cafeteria coffee, tried not to worry about the imminent failure of this task, and found an inconspicuous perch on the catwalk across from his second class. I spoke at length with my voice mailbox, a cell phone conversation being the best excuse I could think of for standing in a college hallway for half an hour staring through a window. Then, Kyle arrived! I learned later that my course schedule was inaccurate, and he had changed out of the first class.

After class, I followed Kyle at a discrete distance, counting on context to keep him from recognizing me. He spent several minutes in the administration office, then went into the bathroom. I stationed myself in the computer lab area behind a glass window with a view of the bathroom hall and waited. . . for nearly twenty minutes. Where was Kyle? I checked the offices near the bathroom - could he have slipped into one of those instead? There was no sign of him.

Worried that he'd escaped, I went into the bathroom. The place was completely empty. But, it did have a back door! Sure enough, an unlabeled exit lead out to a sports field, where Kyle was playing on the grass. I'd found the "location to be arranged" Phys Ed course on his schedule.

Confident that Kyle would be on the field for another forty minutes, I returned to the parking lot and found the Justice Truck. Choosing the silliest disguise from my hastily assembled kit (which also included a cleric's outfit, a pair of crutches, and some other less conspicuous disguises), I lay down in the truck bed and waited.

And, that's where things went wrong. I figured that I had a choice between ambushing Kyle on his way to his truck after class and hoping that he wouldn't arrive before 11:17, or trying to follow him to some unknown destination for an ambush at a more controlled time but in a less controlled place. As I'd already lost him twice in instances where I knew exactly where he was supposed to be, I decided not to press my luck. I hoped he'd shower and change after his sports ended at 11:00 and not return to his truck for at least 17 minutes.

Instead, he came toward me straight off the field. Little did I know that he was going to get some food from the car and then return to campus, where I could have ambushed him at my leisure. His early arrival forced my hand, and I ambushed him roughly 15 minutes early.

Still, it was close enough to the original documentation that I'm happy with the outcome. All evidence indicates that he was surprised, and I'm convinced we both enjoyed the encounter.

Some additional visual documentation has been included below. I forgot to photograph the greeting card with a picture of a horse on the cover and the chocolate covered biscotti, but Kyle can verify that they were delivered.

Note: I'd like to thank Susy Derkins, whose keen insights were invaluable in planning this task, and Burn Unit who offered to help discover Kyle's address.

3. The future of the present.
Posted by Loki on November 7, 2008.

To make amends for having failed to accurately document the future in my last attempt, I shall try again.

On Monday, May 1, 2018, between sunset and midnight local time, I will approach another SF0 player in a public place. The player will not recognize me, as I will be wearing a mustache, but he or she will almost certainly be suspicious, because you people seem to have an uncanny knack for remembering stuff like this.

I will approach to within two meters of the player, and then I will shout "Excelsior," while hitting them in the face with a creme pie. I will photograph the pie covered player and then insist that I am Kyle Hamilton.

I will hand over a printout of this task completion, along with a detailed recipe for curried chicken salad, upon which the player will solemnly swear that the future has unfolded as specified here.

I will offer the player an edible statue depicting Ian Kizu Blair on horseback and a copy of their player photo painted on velvet, as compensation for having to pick pie out of their hair.

Finally, if SF0 still exists, I will update this task completion with evidence that the future has been accurately predicted, and I will add the victim and those who have helped me snare the victim as collaborators, except for any who have already completed this task on their own.

If SF0 no longer exists, I will post the completion elsewhere. You'll be able to find it by searching for the phrase "the future killed my dog." Or, you can come to the bonfire the following Saturday and hear about it in person.

So it is written in the praxis.

So it shall be done.


4. The present future of the past.
Posted by Loki, May 5, 2018.

With a lot of help and a little luck, the future more or less unfolded as described. Photos are included below. There were only two elements that might be called into question: first, May 1 2018 was a TUESDAY and not a MONDAY. (What the hell, past-me?) Second, the ambush occurred around twenty minutes before astronomical sunset. But, the sun was below the buildings and it was clearly approaching dusk, so I'm going to argue that it counts.

After a few attempts at misdirection on social media designed to make people think I was in Minneapolis - which seem to have been seen only by a few very confused colleagues attending a conference in Minneapolis, my family, and players who were already aware of my plans - I set out to ambush Lincoln at his home in Los Angeles.

Both lefthandedsnail and Jellybean Of Thark, who know the guy rather well in real life, were invaluable help when planning and executing the ambush.

I arrived in LA around 1pm, found a quite spot to paint on velvet and bought some shaving cream with which to fill pie tins. I showed up outside of Lincoln's home around 4pm and was surprised to find his vehicle out front. I parked thirty meters down the road from him, arranged the car mirrors to give me a view of his sidewalk and front door, and began my stakeout. While I was at it, I began sending harassing text messages to distant players (or whoever now owns their ten year old phone numbers), hoping to make them think they were my target.

A little before six I took a break to get some food and coffee. I returned, and was delighted to discover the utility of having a big obvious bowl of food when you're sitting in a car in a residential neighborhood and looking very out of place. I very slowly ate my rice bowl until a little past seven, when I received sudden notice from my spy network that Lincoln was leaving the house.

After hastily attaching my fake mustache and grabbing a pie, I crept along the line of cars. I was incredibly lucky - he had his back to me and didn't notice my approach until I actually touched him.

The rest of it unfolded as described. The edible statue of Ian Kizu Blair wasn't as lifelike as I'd originally intended, but the name tag helped.

Photos are below. Many thanks to lefthandedsnail and Jellybean Of Thark. Also, I'd like to thank Spidere, who went far out of his way to help me with an alternative version of this completion that never happened. And anna one for helping with this crazy plan and the after-party.


4.1 The near future of the present future of the past.
Posted by Loki, May 5, 2018.

Since I got the day of the week wrong last time, let's try again.

During the period between midnight on the morning of May 5, 2028 and 6PM on May 6, 2028, I and or someone else (hereafter, the chaser) will approach another SF0 player. The player will not recognize the chaser, as the chaser will be well hidden, but they will almost certainly be suspicious, because you people seem to have an uncanny knack for remembering stuff like this and because most of you will have received recent reminders about the after-party.

The chaser will emerge from hiding. Then they will shout "Excelsior," while showering the player with bubbles. They will photograph the player and insist that the player is Kyle Hamilton.

The chaser will hand over a printout or digital representation of this task completion, along with a detailed manifesto advocating the liberation of commercially farmed chickens, upon which the player will solemnly write a short poem on the topic of the future.

The chaser will offer the player an edible portrait of Sam Lavigne imagined as a centaur as compensation for having to remove bubble solution from their hair.

Finally, if SF0 still exists, I will update this task completion with evidence that the future has been accurately predicted, and I will add the victim and those who have helped me snare the victim as collaborators, except for any who have already completed this task on their own.

If SF0 no longer exists, I will post the completion elsewhere. You'll be able to find it by searching for the phrase "the future killed all three of my dogs." Or, you can come to the party Saturday, May 6, in San Francisco, and hear about it in person.

So it is written in the praxis.

So it shall be done.


5. The distant future of the future.
Posted November 7, 2008.

And, while we're at it, why not go big.

On Monday, May 1, 2108, at an unspecified time, I will approach another SF0 player in a physical space. The player will not recognize me, as I will be disguised as an inanimate object, and he or she will not be suspicious, because this task completion will have been long forgotten.

I will approach to within arm's length of the player, and then I will shout "Excelsior," while painting them yellow. I will photograph the painted player and then revel in the concept of identity.

I will present them with a copy of this task completion, along with a detailed map of San Francisco as it appeared before the 1906 earthquake, upon which the player will use yellow paint to draw an iconic face representing their emotional state.

I will offer the player a horse-meat sandwich (or the closest vegan simulacrum, if the player's dietary habits require such) and a living plant sculpted into the shape of Sutro Tower, as compensation for being yellow.

Finally, if SF0 still exists, I will update this task completion with evidence that the future has been accurately predicted, and I will add the victim and those who have helped me snare the victim as collaborators, except for any who have already completed this task on their own.

If SF0 no longer exists, I will post the completion elsewhere. You'll be able to find it by searching for the phrase "the future killed both my dogs." Or, you can come to the party at Loki's home (location TBA) the following Saturday to hear about it in person.