In my spam folder today I found the following urgent plea:

Subject: Crying for help

My name is Miss Suzanne zita
Robert, I 僧 quite aware that my message will come to you as a surprise because it is indeed very strange for someone you have not met before to contact you in this regard, looking for a trustworthy, sincere and honest someone like you who can help me in this time of needs.
Before the death of my father on 20th June 2009 in a private hospital here in Abidjan , he secretly called me at his bedside, when I sat down to listen to him, he started crying, why? (1) He complained that I am too young to be managing my life with no one to take care of me,(2)That I have not finished my university education as he planned for me, he revealed to me that he has a sum of US$6,500.000.(Six MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS) he left in bank here , He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his wicked brothers and associates , that l should seek for a GOD fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice where l will transfer this money and use it for proper investment purpose ,that I must finish my university education by the help of a business partner/guardian abroad, that he or she should help me obtain a resident permit in his or her country, that he used my name as the only child for his next of kin in deposit of the funds,. Right now I am still here in my country but very unsafe for me. I'm living in great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible, But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he died. I have the depositing certificates with which he made the deposit in the bank; I know it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before. By instinct I am convinced you are an honest person and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me. As soon as it is done, I will come over with to meet you and spend the rest of my live in your country. I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose. I promise to greatly compensate you with 15% for any assistance you may offer me. I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential. Down here, I am living in fear because enemies, uncles and wicked relatives of my parents are hunting for us. Please let me know your mind concerning my proposal to you, May God bless you as you as you extend your helping hand to an orphan.
RegardsSuzy

How could I NOT offer gallons of helpingtons to such an in-distress maiden?


Thus I replied with the following message:

Dearst Suzy,

I am sorry to hear about your surprise. What have sign are you? I'm scorpio. Did you know that I am also a god-fearing man, just like as in your email? I would much link to help you with this size. Your father seems as he is a large man of heart, and I hope the best for your money problem. I hope you and your family are doing energetically in this time of need and disappointment. You are moonshore. What can' I do to help yours?

Write me soon my bumblebee,

Radcliff

p.s. I have attached a picture of me. I hope this helps through hard times.

Later the VERY SAME DAY I received this happy reply:

Dear,
Thank you so much for responding to my request and accepting to assist me secure the release and transfer of my inheritance fund into your nominated account.
Like I did explain in my first mail to you, I would want to have my inheritance fund to be released and transferred overseas for investment purposes mainly on real estate or any other lucrative business investments that you may seem profitable and legitimate as I want to leave this country as soon as possible because my wicked uncles and relatives are after my life ,they have taking all my late father’s properties and want me dead ,it is only this money in the bank now remains for my future and survival ,I have attached the WILL written by my late father for you to see and ready to offer 25% out from the total money to conclude it quick because I did not have access to make any withdraw from the inheritance based on the agreement of my late father with they bank that I should not be allow to touch the inheritance as far as I’m living down here and the inheritance can only be release to my appointed and confirmed guardian and partner from abroad that is why I seek your help to enable me come over to start a new life and my education under your care ,
Since this is my inheritance fund that was deposited by my late father, I need to re-inform the bank of my desire to have it transferred into your account for investments. Therefore, I will need your full names and address and telephone number including identification so that I can include this detail in my letter of introduction to the bank presenting you as my appointed guardian hence, they should transact directly with you in that capacity.

I shall be expecting to hearing from you as soon as possible.
God bless you
Regards
Suzy

Attachments:

My gosh! Suzanne has replied so quickly, and so thoroughly! It's as if the entire letter was written ahead of time and sent to anyone who replied automatically! I sent the following urgent reply:

Oh Suzy dearest!

The pictureis you have sent me are absolutely lightful! They bring to my eyes a shine long lost in many years ago now today for. Your instructions have cannot be more explained clearly for me, too. I immediate shall look into transacting ourselves together. You and I are so, so, beautiful if not while I am for with. But you did not answering me about your sign? I must have knowing that you with I are destined to be in the stars before I can to continue. Give please to me your date of birth with as much haste as you can to? Give me this and I will do anything you ask from me banking.

God is bringing us to mate,
Radcliff

p.s. While you wait here is me again I attach.

Within mere HOURS I received the following brief, lovely, poetic reply from Suzanne my love, who apparently has recently learned how to type emails in something other than 14pt blue bolded, italicized text:

Dearest
Thanks for your mail and very glad to read from you so quick, meanwhile I have attached my passport to enable you to see the date of birth which is 15/03/1989, I hope this is exactly what you asked me, I hope you do your best to help me out by sending all other details to conclude the matter and get me out of here to start a new life and my education under your cares, hope for good news soonest from you
God bless
Suzy

Attachments:

So, of course, I immediately drafted the following:

Hello my little crepe Suzanne,

You are such a darling you know for sure! You had not to tell me that your birthday was havings so recently! IF I had a time machinery I would travel back for you fifteen days to give you big birthday present yes?...So that I hope you know for now. It is seeming to me your hair it was so wet in photography of your passport. I assume yes it was raining this day you took.

When were you of telling me your age was such a young baby? I feel that I have made an error as I was certain you would be the third Mrs. Radcliff Winsor or for sad if I offended you with my forward of how I am being? Am I asking for you too many questions?

I am of the apology that my English is not what it might be just have bears with me please for this. I am excited to be giving you a cake for your birthdays this 15 days ago again I hurt myself with stabbing for that it is late these fifteen (15) days from you.

May the lord give me your peaches to chew,
Radcliff
Attachments:

Sadly, I have received no more emails from my most sweetest darling after this. I forever will have cherish of this time in which I am sending her.