For the past 5 days I've been on the longest Hiatus from my job since I got it a year and a half ago. 5 days without work, and today is my last day off.

Before I got that job I'd spent a lot of days off due to medical reasons, but time came that I needed to get back into gear and work, and so that is what I did. I think that may be why it has been so hard for me to take time off. Hell, I don't even take sick time off. In total I've only taken 1 sick day and 5 vacation days off in 18 months (not including the 3 vacation days I'm currently taking now).

I know this isn't uncommon. Lots of folks are workaholics and don't take any time away from work, and are forced to take vacation their vacation days before they start losing them sometime around year 3. I know this, and yet I've never experienced it before. I've never had a job that demanded so much of me... demanded that I track and schedule and manage so many tiny details... that I find being gone for even a small amount of time so very anxious and difficult.

The last time I took 2 days off, just a couple of months ago, so that I could pretend to be a Russian Cook (the russian was fake, the cooking was real) for 70 students and teachers at Fort Ross. It was only because Ft. Ross didn't have any computer or phone access that I wasn't checking in with my office, as I had done all weekend prior.

This time I have computer access and phone access, but other than the first hour of the first day off on Thursday, I have not checked in at all. It has been especially hard today, but I've avoided it.

Instead I've done other things. On Thursday, aside from just enjoying being home, I attacked my first task in many, many months, creating a sweet picture of a small home here in the sunset (killing 2 birds with one stone... getting back to tasking and getting back to drawing/painging). On Friday I went out and had lunch with an old friend, Lara, who I have not had time to catch up with in years, and it was wonderful. We ate at a Thai restauraunt and then walked to a park and sat and talked, and it has been so long since I've not had to look at my watch, knowing that I didn't have anything super pending. When Lara had to go off to work I had a liesurely walk to Hayes Valley to meet my Daughter who was returning home from 9 days at camp.

On Saturday it became noticible that the lack of a schedule was taking its toll on me, particularly in the Morning. Once I got out and got some sunshine at the PicNic Birthday Party of another old friend at Delores Park... something to do with an actual schedule attached... I felt a great deal better. Afternoons can be without real focus, but the morning has to have some structure or I just get too grumpy.

On Sunday I worked on another task, this one emotionally harder. I don't think I could have done it without the days off. It made me extremely agitated and irritable all day, and my family was not happy with it. Had I known it was going to affect me that way I'd have warned them, but I didn't forsee it, and once into it I really didn't want to talk about it until it was done.

Today is Monday, and it has been slow and calm so far. Today I'm handling a few chores aroudn the house, plus perhaps a bit of painting (I've a canvas all set and ready downstairs) and a bit a writing (If I can get some time on my computer from my Daughter - we share - who is watching through every episode of Buffy... again). Plus I suppose a shower and some sunshine are in order as well.

I'm half dreading going back, but also looking forward to it. I'll miss being able to head out to the Raintree Cafe on Irving Street for breakfast or lunch just as the day is kicking into gear (hours later than the day would kick in were I at work). I'll miss the extra time I'm finding in getting back to painting and writing and tasking and just being with friends... knowing I'll have to take advantage of the smaller pockets of time that I can cobble together.

But at the same time I know that the schedule... the rising up at a specific time, having to enter the building by 8, having my task-list of e-mails facing me when I turn on my computer, all of this will bring me a little comfort. Plus, I have almost 3 weeks of vacation saved up that is ready to use, so I'll be able to do this again, soon.

What I'll miss most is the shere luxury of not having to stop pretty much anything that I'm enjoying until I'm damn good and ready to. Dawdling, meandering, carving the path through my day without worrying about where the edges meet.