I'm feeding a fear.

You see, the profession I'm going into often scares me. A wrong move will occasionally cost someone their life.

It's a bit intimidating. And I'm still in school. Not even at a university yet. But here I am, working the night shift at the ER.

THE TRUTH:

Since I was a little kid, I've been terrified of failure. My parents never enforced perfection, but I demanded it of myself. This isn't something that has changed over the years.

So I've taken it upon myself to be challenged. I'm going to learn a skill that requires precision, and where failure could mean a spectacularly bad day.

For the past six months, I've been in training to be an EMT-B. I've learned a million and three incredible skills, but tonight is the night I finally get to test myself. Pictures won't be permissible. For that, I'm sorry. It's policy. I won't be able to give specific details. But as for how the night ends?

That's what will determine whether or not this task was a success.

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The night was all kinds of long, as it ended up not being very busy. There was a man who had been binge drinking for the past eight days and came in with stomach pain. Banana-bagged him and he was okay afterward.

There was a boy who does one of those fire-eating shows who accidentally ingested lighter fluid.

And then there was the Lady.

Oh, Lady. Nobody could figure you out. You come in unresponsive with a wacky disconjugate gaze and a million and three red spots on your arms and legs from injecting meth. We saw your driver's license- you were beautiful, I guess your habits finally caught up with you.

No one could figure out what was wrong with her. The doctor pushed drugs that would flush whatever she was on out of her system, but they had no effect. Took her in for a CT that came back normal. We never figured out what happened to her, but she was ushered on up to CCU in no time flat.

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I think I can call this a success. I learned a ton of new skills (this was the first time I'd ever set up a 12-lead EKG, that was pretty cool!). I have a shift again next weekend, and I'm not scared anymore. I faced this fear. I did something I might actually be proud of. Take that, atychiphobia.

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And now, way after the fact...

I'm finished with my ER rotations. I've moved on to riding ambulances. This is seriously fun. I feel more confident in these skills than any other skill set I have. Today was my first ambulance shift, actually. I loved it. I might be cut out for this after all.