Alrighty.  They always say that the second time is the best time.  And for this second time, I went all out.  This is a book on how you should play SF0 CORRECTLY.  It covers a lot of ground, including some fun gaps in the famous non-secret rules.  Here's a transcription of the images you're about to have horror-burned into your retinas for years to come.

How to play SF0:


Inside flap:

"A masterpiece of rules and format" -Oreck
"Please stop sending us your books..." - NY Times
"It's... a book..." - Village Voice
"It's definitely... a book..." - MBR
"I wouldn't call it a book" - SF0

Highlighting the exactness of how to task both appropriately and inappropriately, this riveting tale of rules glues you to your seat... But more shockingly it ends up gluing the rules to you!*

*not actual glue


First page:

When tasking, be sure to fully understand just what the hell you're supposed to do in the first place.  Creativity, while fun, can become misplaced if you step outside the boundaries of your medium.  Thus you must ensure that your task reflects well the goal, and shows how much work you put into it.  It should also be a flexion of the creative muscle.  Flexing the creativity muscle takes practice, but soon you'll be doing reps with 40-pound dumbbells.*

*do not put weights on your head, as this is where your creativity muscle is.  That's why it's called a metaphor.


Second page:

Regarding murder:

While the sanctioned killing of other players does occur in certain areas, we suggest that you refrain from manslaughter despite.  There is one obvious reason for this.  The rules clearly state that you may not "loot" the corpses of players murdered in sanctioned killing fields.  However, the rules say nothing of stealing from players who are very much alive.  Thus, I suggest you steal from the living, and then, if necessary, kill them. (remember though, the living can continue to acquire valuables to steal!)


Third page:

On sewing:

Sewing is a terrible trade, and all those who support it are, by proxy, evil.  Yes, I say this out of spite due to the fact that while sewing this book together I cut myself a number of times and stained it with my dirty dirty blood.


Fourth page:

Regarding the paranormal:

Do not question the fact that I wrote all this before staining the shirt.  It's magic.  Ya' know, Unicorn farts.  The End.


Back flap:

About the author:
B-9 is a Doom bot of the robotaclypse, and due to a process error, now loves to sew and write witty internet comedy on a number of non-existant websites.  Built in the 1950's by Robert Kinoshita, he went on to attempt to enslave humanity, however, a tv exec took advantage of his star power first, bringing him to the silver screen.  Obsessed with fame, B-9 abandoned his plans to enslave humanity through a horrifying, albeit Michael Bay-esque awesome giant robot fight with humans.  Fame is fickle, though, and B-9 fell out of the spotlight.  Yearning for fame again, he took any acting job he could get, from silly commercials selling vacuum cleaners, to promotions for Monster Truck shows.  At his lowest and most desperate he even starred in a very graphic gay-robot-porn with those same vacuum cleaners from before.  Spiraling down into a violent robo-depression, he began using drugs.  "Cadmium, Plutonium, Mercury... just squeeze the needle and forget how far you've fallen." he was quoted as saying.  "I'm drinking 4 or 5 bottles (of gasoline) a day now just to maintain, man."  After a stint in rehab B-9 discovered there was more to life than just enslaving humankind.  He had a new purpose.  A desire to write in creative ways that would inspire people to pay attention (to him).  Having become a successful writer he spends his days with his life partner Oreck at their home in Martha's Vineyard. 



What you will also pleasantly notice is that the books bindings are in the form of velcro attached to the shoulders.  This allows the book to stay together, and at the same time, maintain readability. 



Immediately after finishing the book, I took it out to the local coffee shop to demonstrate the awesomeness of wearing your literature.

Here's a video of the book in action, and then another of me in pain, just cuz you guys is awesome.