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B 9
Level 3: 234 points
Last Logged In: July 5th, 2012
The University of Aesthematics Rank 1: Expert Biome Rank 1: Hiker Chrononautic Exxon Rank 1: Clockwatcher Society For Nihilistic Intent And Disruptive Efforts Rank 1: Anti

15 + 108 points

Unusual Edition by B 9, Captain Fluffyfart

February 25th, 2009 3:19 PM / Location: 38.214296,-85.77179

INSTRUCTIONS: Make a book out of an unusual material.

Alrighty.  They always say that the second time is the best time.  And for this second time, I went all out.  This is a book on how you should play SF0 CORRECTLY.  It covers a lot of ground, including some fun gaps in the famous non-secret rules.  Here's a transcription of the images you're about to have horror-burned into your retinas for years to come.

How to play SF0:

Inside flap:

"A masterpiece of rules and format" -Oreck
"Please stop sending us your books..." - NY Times
"It's... a book..." - Village Voice
"It's definitely... a book..." - MBR
"I wouldn't call it a book" - SF0

Highlighting the exactness of how to task both appropriately and inappropriately, this riveting tale of rules glues you to your seat... But more shockingly it ends up gluing the rules to you!*

*not actual glue

First page:

When tasking, be sure to fully understand just what the hell you're supposed to do in the first place.  Creativity, while fun, can become misplaced if you step outside the boundaries of your medium.  Thus you must ensure that your task reflects well the goal, and shows how much work you put into it.  It should also be a flexion of the creative muscle.  Flexing the creativity muscle takes practice, but soon you'll be doing reps with 40-pound dumbbells.*

*do not put weights on your head, as this is where your creativity muscle is.  That's why it's called a metaphor.

Second page:

Regarding murder:

While the sanctioned killing of other players does occur in certain areas, we suggest that you refrain from manslaughter despite.  There is one obvious reason for this.  The rules clearly state that you may not "loot" the corpses of players murdered in sanctioned killing fields.  However, the rules say nothing of stealing from players who are very much alive.  Thus, I suggest you steal from the living, and then, if necessary, kill them. (remember though, the living can continue to acquire valuables to steal!)

Third page:

On sewing:

Sewing is a terrible trade, and all those who support it are, by proxy, evil.  Yes, I say this out of spite due to the fact that while sewing this book together I cut myself a number of times and stained it with my dirty dirty blood.

Fourth page:

Regarding the paranormal:

Do not question the fact that I wrote all this before staining the shirt.  It's magic.  Ya' know, Unicorn farts.  The End.

Back flap:

About the author:
B-9 is a Doom bot of the robotaclypse, and due to a process error, now loves to sew and write witty internet comedy on a number of non-existant websites.  Built in the 1950's by Robert Kinoshita, he went on to attempt to enslave humanity, however, a tv exec took advantage of his star power first, bringing him to the silver screen.  Obsessed with fame, B-9 abandoned his plans to enslave humanity through a horrifying, albeit Michael Bay-esque awesome giant robot fight with humans.  Fame is fickle, though, and B-9 fell out of the spotlight.  Yearning for fame again, he took any acting job he could get, from silly commercials selling vacuum cleaners, to promotions for Monster Truck shows.  At his lowest and most desperate he even starred in a very graphic gay-robot-porn with those same vacuum cleaners from before.  Spiraling down into a violent robo-depression, he began using drugs.  "Cadmium, Plutonium, Mercury... just squeeze the needle and forget how far you've fallen." he was quoted as saying.  "I'm drinking 4 or 5 bottles (of gasoline) a day now just to maintain, man."  After a stint in rehab B-9 discovered there was more to life than just enslaving humankind.  He had a new purpose.  A desire to write in creative ways that would inspire people to pay attention (to him).  Having become a successful writer he spends his days with his life partner Oreck at their home in Martha's Vineyard. 

What you will also pleasantly notice is that the books bindings are in the form of velcro attached to the shoulders.  This allows the book to stay together, and at the same time, maintain readability. 

Immediately after finishing the book, I took it out to the local coffee shop to demonstrate the awesomeness of wearing your literature.

Here's a video of the book in action, and then another of me in pain, just cuz you guys is awesome.

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+ larger

How to play
Written by B-9
Robot list
Getting started
This is taking forever...
Lasers are cool
Inside Front Cover
Inside Back Cover
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 4-1
Page 4-2
I can't write
Terrible handwriting
Under velcro
Velcro shirt
Velcro on both sides
Velcro blue shirt
Velcro blue shirt inside
Velcro and skin
Velcro and skin
Velcro working
Front Cover
Front flap
Back Flap
Wearing page 1
Wearing page 2
Wearing page 3
At the coffee shop
Velcro shoulders
Something like this...

26 vote(s)

Favorite of:



12 comment(s)

(no subject)
posted by Rin Brooker on February 25th, 2009 3:34 PM

Good job! I like this version a lot!

(no subject)
posted by teucer on February 25th, 2009 5:50 PM


(no subject) +1
posted by Flea on February 26th, 2009 1:26 PM

Work your way up to level 2, then submit this praxis for this task instead, and I'll vote.

It'll get you an extra ten points, and you won't run the risk of getting the dreaded BRX.

(no subject)
posted by Tøm on February 26th, 2009 3:03 PM

Mhm, 2 point vote here.

If it's resubmitted under that, it's a 5 :)

Shifted Medium Indeed
posted by Waldo Cheerio on February 26th, 2009 3:08 PM

Yeah, I'd 5pt vote a resubmission of this under shifted medium. Then again, I would've shplanked the mirror book (EDIT - in retrospect I feel like a self-promotional jerk for aggrandizing my mirror idea; what I meant was that this in a book somehow would be phenomenal, be it by mirrors or some sort of transparency, anything that wasn't printed photographs). I like the artistic license on the title of "light beer" and using the lager poem, there is a lot of win to be had here, it just doesn't sit right with the nature of this task. With other tasks abound on writing and media, the book is my core interest for Unusual Edition.

posted by B 9 on February 27th, 2009 1:00 PM

ok deal. I'll be resubbing under shifted medium, and instead I will turn this into a more book-like praxis. If you wait just a couple minutes I will return with a very well-dressed book. Well, at least business casually dressed.

(no subject)
posted by susy derkins on February 27th, 2009 8:55 PM

Hell, yes!

(no subject)
posted by Tøm on February 28th, 2009 12:42 AM

Hell yes indeed!

(no subject)
posted by GYØ Ben on February 28th, 2009 2:16 AM

Wow, awesome update!

(no subject)
posted by Mr Everyday on February 28th, 2009 1:55 PM

My last point - Yours because this is full of awesome.

Induces Some Awe = Awesome. Full of Awe != Awful ~Waldo
posted by Waldo Cheerio on March 2nd, 2009 12:23 PM

Full of awesome indeed. You were several steps ahead of me here -- I was thinking as I read that the wearer was part of the book, then bam, a page directly on your chest. Then I was thinking about book binding, and bam, velcro on every layer, down to the skin. Then I was wondering if you would wear it out in public: voilà, video proof from a public place.

I'm going to add this to my go-to post on how-to-SF0.

(no subject) +1
posted by Cookie on March 2nd, 2009 1:05 AM

M was too distracted by the book cover to focus on the content.