The SFZEROPRACTICAL by Evil Sugar
July 9th, 2008 11:47 AMNow there are THREE fantastic ways to experience the gummy bear SFZEROPRACTICAL exam!
(1) Just the highlights! That's right, Evil Sugar sifted through pages and pages of material to bring you only the very best, right here in the text of the praxis! With this option you'll get bananas, fire, a tribute to the Mayor of Claycord, and much, much more! And you get pictures of gummy bears NAKED! That's right, naked bears. SEXY SEXY SEXY!
If that's not enough, go for the second option:
(2) The blow-by-blow photo documentary of the SFZEROPRACTICAL exam. Every question, every photo!* Instead of simply listing the answers with the pictures, Evil Sugar will provide insightful commentary on the thought process behind the answers, as well as random gossip about the bears involved.
STILL NOT SATISFIED?? Check out the third option:
(3) Download the SFZEROPRACTICAL exam in PDF form. That's right, the entire test, just as God** intended. See the answers you won't find anywhere else! Here you'll find the gummies' responses to each of the Rules and Regulations, as well as the Modifiers. That's right, the gummies answered EVERYTHING! And you can read it all, with the accompanying photographic proof, just by downloading the PDF file.***
SFZEROPRACTICAL HIGHLIGHTS: WARM-UP
The gummies did every question in the warm-up before proceeding to the main portion of the test. To ensure that they were thoroughly warm, they used FIRE in all of the warm-up questions.
.As part of their warm-up, the gummy bears had a candlelight yoga session. Here is a picture of the gummies in their favorite pose: downward facing bear.
.Also as part of the warm-up, the gummies had to compose something short and beautiful. They composed this photograph of a gummy bear (because gummies are short and beautiful).
After completing all seven questions of the warm-up (with fire!) the gummies were very warm, almost to the point of being melty.
SFZEROPRACTICAL HIGHLIGHTS
Question 1 - Paper Life Cycle
.Evil Sugar made the bears an origami crane. "It's no good," they said, "It's way too big." The gummies were worried that a crane of that size might try to nom on them. Evil Sugar assured them that the paper crane had no mouth, and was probably vegetarian, but the bears insisted that Evil Sugar make a smaller crane.
.So Evil Sugar made the gummy bears a smaller crane. Against Evil Sugar's advice, the red gummy decided to name the little red crane "Red Bear" (gummies are not very good with names).
.The red gummy got very attached to "Red Bear." They became best friends. The red gummy even shared some frosting with the tiny paper crane. (Which is a big deal. Gummies are not known for sharing delicious frosting.)
.That night, the gummies built a blazing bonfire. They burned the big red crane.
.Then they burned Red Bear, the tiny oragami crane:
.The red gummy sat by the fire for several hours and stared at the ashen remains of his friend. Evil Sugar told the red gummy it was time to go home, but the red gummy insisted on staying by the fire. The red gummy was waiting for Red Bear to be reborn from the ashes. "No," Evil Sugar said, "You are thinking of phoenixes. Red Bear was a crane." This made the red gummy very sad.
Question #3 - The Swedish Chef
.Gummy bears, while often nommed upon, are not generally cooked.**** The red gummy, still sad about the loss of Red Bear, volunteered to be cooked in the microwave. The red gummy was tasted by two other gummy bears, and was then eaten by Evil Sugar. According to Evil Sugar, microwaved gummy bear tastes like warm cherry Jell-o.
Question #7 - Be Evil
WARNING: THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION CONTAINS IMAGES THAT ARE GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING. NO ONE SHOULD READ THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, BUT THE GUMMIES ASK IN PARTICULAR THAT THEIR BELOVED MINCH AVOID READING THIS, AS SHE WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY FIND IT HIGHLY UPSETTING.
The gummies decided that they would complete every question on the exam, regardless of the cost. To ensure that an entire team was present, Evil Sugar obtained a fresh regiment of gummy bears. They were sorted into teams. As often happens, the White Team was the smallest, and they were therefore selected to be nommed.
The pictures of this horrible atrocity speak for themselves.
.
.
.EVIL SUGAR AND THE GUMMIES OF THE RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, AND GREEN TEAMS ARE VERY SORRY. THEY APOLOGIZE TO THE WHITE TEAM FOR NOMMING ON THEM, AND THEY ALSO APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE WHO READ THIS SECTION OF THE EXAM AND FOUND IT UPSETTING.
Question #11 - Spec-tape-ular
When the gummies saw this question, they knew what they had to do. They would tape a member of the Yellow Team to a fire hydrant as a tribute to the Mayor of Claycord:
. Question #20 - Obviousness
The gummies knew what to do! They answered this question with pictures of bananas, just for Oswald!
.This concludes the highlight reel of the gummy bear SFZEROPRACTICAL exam. Remember, these highlights barely scratch the surface, the PDF version of the exam has MUCH MUCH MORE.
Also, don't forget to click through the images below to see images from all the questions not included in the highlights! Plus, you also get Evil Sugar's witty and insightful commentary on the making of the SFZEROPRACTICAL exam.
* NOTE: The claim that all photos have been included has not been verified by the SFZEROPRACTICAL examination board, the Food and Drug Administration, or the Mayor of Claycord. Until such verification occurs, it is probably safe to assume that the claim (and all other claims) are false.
** NOTE: "The entire test as God intended" is true only for values of God equal to Harry, Tom, or Oswald.
*** NOTE: PDF file requires Acrobat Reader, or some equivalent program that can read PDF files. But you knew that already, didn't you?
**** NOTE: Oddly enough, this is not the only instance of gummy cooking that occurred for the SFZEROPRACTICAL exam. Lincoln cooked an entire team of bears.
Gummy Bear SFZEROPRACTICAL
This is the gummy bear's complete exam, in PDF form. The gummies did not want to lose marks for failure to attempt a question, so they answered everything that looked as though it might be a question, starting with the rules and regulations.
Warm-Up #1
The red and green gummies are plotting something devious for the first question. GOSSIP: The green gummy recently broke up with the orange gummy, and was still taking it pretty rough.
Warm-Up #1
They carried out their plot -- they tossed the orange gummy into the hot candle wax. That's one way to get revenge on your ex!
Warm-Up #1
When the orange gummy came out of the wax, a little bit of the wick broke off. It looked like poop! All the gummies had a good laugh about that, even the orange gummy.
Warm-Up #2
The gummies named this (dead) plant Orange Bear. They decided, based on its shape, that Orange Bear was male. They showed Orange Bear 10:38, which the bears thought was a really good time! This shot took forever to get because the gummies kept trying to climb on the carrot. They thought it was a giant sex toy or something.
Warm-Up #2
Orange Bear didn't seem to be having enough fun, so the gummies decided to light him on fire.
Warm-Up #2
You can't tell from the picture, but Evil Sugar is holding the carrot here because the gummies can't reach that high. (And btw, burning things with one hand while holding a camera in the other? Tricky. Very tricky.)
Warm-Up #2
Orange Bear didn't look very pretty after being singed, but the gummies loved him anyway. They apologized for burning him, and he forgave them. Sadly, shortly afterwards Orange Bear went missing. In a completely unrelated event, Evil Sugar had a lovely stew for dinner, with carrots in it.
Warm-Up #3
You'd think the bears would be good at yoga, since they're made out of a pretty stretchy material, but it turned out they were terrible. Even in a basic standing pose, they kept falling over.
Warm-Up #3
This was the gummies' favorite yoga pose, downward facing bear. Evil Sugar tried to explain that it wasn't really a pose, but the gummies didn't listen.
Warm-Up #3
A yogi might call this Savasana (final resting pose). The bears called this "upward facing bear."
Warm-Up #4
For the composed photograph series, we decided to do gummies with fire. Turns out the little buggers are a lot like moths -- Evil Sugar really had to work to keep them from walking into the flames and melting!
Warm-Up #4
This one didn't make it into the highlight reel, but there's something really sexy about naked gummy bears out of focus.
Warm-Up #4
This one was great too, really captured that moment right before the red gummy caught on fire.
Warm-Up #5
Gummy hamster wheel! Gossip: This red gummy claimed to be clean, but later tested positive for steroids.
Warm-Up #5
The gummies got really high before taking their mini-derive, so they CLAIMED that they were following the 'trail of stars' around the table. Amazingly, the supposed trail SHOWED UP IN THE PHOTOGRAPHS. That's how high the gummies were when they did this part of the test.
Warm-Up #5
More photographic evidence of the gummies' star trip.
Warm-Up #5
They ended their mini-derive at the candle. They were so messed up at that point that they spent an hour staring at the flame and saying "man what?"
Warm-Up #6
Those gummies are such suck-ups. They insisted that the best people to thank (for no particular reason) were Tom and Harry. Those bears would do practically anything for points.
Warm-Up #7
The gummies googled Tragdor. (They insisted that the caption for this picture say that, since they think googled sounds like another word for sex.)
Paper Life Cycle
This crane, the bears said, was too big. Make it smaller, they said. Damn fingerless bears couldn't fold their own, so Evil Sugar had to do it.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0508.JPG
Ever tried to fold a paper crane out of a square of paper roughly the size of a penny? It's hard, man, really hard.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0511.JPG
This was sad. Evil Sugar told the red gummy not to get attached, but what can you do? The crane was red, the bear was red, it was unavoidable. Sad, though. Really sad.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0522.JPG
The gummy bonfire was cute. I asked what they wanted to build it with, and they said toothpicks and newspaper. So that's what they got -- three toothpicks and a couple little tiny crumpled balls of newspaper.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0523.JPG
Fire!
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0531.JPG
Fire!
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0526.JPG
Fire!
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0527.JPG
Fire!
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0532.JPG
Goodbye, Red Bear. You will be missed.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0534.JPG
The death of Red Bear.
07.09.2008.06.23PICT0538.JPG
Ashes. The red gummy thought that Red Bear was going to rise up out of this shit. Poor gummy got confused between cranes and phoenixes.
Getting to Know You
(Photo courtesy of Rainy.) This totally freaked the gummies out. All they could think about was all the other people on the bus, staring at them. Was that guy sitting across the isle hungry? Were those kids over there going to get up and nom on them? Rainy protected them, and they survived the ride, but it took them several hours to calm down afterwards. (More pictures of this question are available on the PDF version of the test.)
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0539.JPG
Oh God, the microwave. I don't even want to talk about it.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0543.JPG
The gummies hope that their beloved Minch isn't reading this.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0546.JPG
(or this)
Cooked Red Gummy
(and especially not this, beloved Minch, don't look at this)
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0549.JPG
We learned a lot while taking this test. We learned, for instance, that speed holes should not be installed on gummy bears.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0553.JPG
Speed Holes do not make the gummies faster. If anything, they make them slower.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0128.JPG
HOT SEXY GUMMY ON GUMMY ACTION. (The gummies were attempting to clap hands. They can't clap their own hands, so they thought maybe they could do it in pairs. They can't.)
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0406.JPG
Rather than use current residents of gummyland, it was decided that new recruits would be brought in for question number 7. There were many reasons for this, but mostly Evil Sugar insisted that if an entire team had to be nommed, they should be FRESH, because fresh bears were tastier.
Sorting Into Teams
The White Team was small and number and tasty in flavor, so they were chosen to be nommed. NOTE: They protested this decision vigorously, but were overruled.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0426.JPG
Cooked Gummy. For something that isn't generally cooked, a lot of gummies got cooked during the exam.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0434.JPG
Oh, this was great. We tried to get the gummies to be all civilized and use placemats and silverware.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0436.JPG
It started out okay. We got red gummy to try eating with a fork.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0438.JPG
We got the orange gummy to sip out of a spoon.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0442.JPG
Then all hell broke loose as the gummies discovered that GUMMIES TASTE LIKE FROSTING. All attempts at civilized dinner manners went out the window at that point.
07.09.2008.10.21PICT0460.JPG
The entire White Team was devoured (Evil Sugar did most of the nomming). At the close of the task, Evil Sugar also had to nom the four gummies that had eaten gummyflesh. They developed a taste for it, and if they hadn't been nommed, they would have eaten all the rest of their fellow bears.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0108.JPG
The gummies reimbursed the Evil Human Overlord for the penny they stole and mailed to Sparrow's Fall. What's interesting is that they reimbursed the EHO with a penny...that they STOLE FROM THE CHANGE JAR OF THE EVIL HUMAN OVERLORD.
Digitize Something.
Fed up with the gummies' inability to make their own teensy tiny paper cranes, Evil Sugar decided to digitize a gummy. By giving it digits (fingers). NOTE: Even after this surgical procedure, the damn bears couldn't make their own miniature cranes.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0133.JPG
Stupid worthless digits. Can't even fold paper.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0061.JPG
Gummies rarely wear clothes, so after they'd made this lovely SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM outfit for another question, they figured they'd use this for the wetsuit question.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0064.JPG
At first, the suit floated, which was good news for the bear inside. (Gummy bears get waterlogged when placed in water. Waterlogging is generally a fatal injury.)
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0067.JPG
Evil Sugar fished the bear out of the water as soon as the suit was thoroughly wet.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0071.JPG
Sadly, it was too late for this orange bear, who had to be nommed. NOTE: Waterlogged bears are slimy.
07.09.2008.06.41PICT0569.JPG
Gummy bear, made out of tape.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0211.JPG
Gummy bear, taped to a fire hydrant -- A TRIBUTE TO THE MAYOR OF CLAYCORD. Note that the gummy bear is taped in a location that does not interfere with the normal functioning of the fire hydrant.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0212.JPG
The tape didn't really show in the wide angle shot, so here's a closeup. The gummies had fun playing with the tape afterwards because they discovered that they could leave grubby paw prints on the tape. It was all fun and games until one of the gummies tried to eat the tape and suffocated.
07.09.2008.06.41Rubin_PlayerPhoto.jpg
This is Rubin. Shown here with characteristic brightly colored hair and goatee.
07.09.2008.06.41GummyRubin.jpg
Gummy Rubin had a good time wandering around hating things.
07.09.2008.06.41Rubin_PlayerPhoto3.jpg
Through the magic of photoshop, Rubin was de-rubinized. Note the lack of brightly colored hair and goatee. De-rubinized Rubin LIKES IT.
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0006.JPG
This was the most boring answer. And since there are seven groups, there are seven pictures of it, in all it's boring glory.
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0012.JPG
Zzzzzz
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0015.JPG
Zzzzz
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0019.JPG
EquivalenZzzzz
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0010.JPG
Zzzzzz
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0009.JPG
Banana!
07.09.2008.08.56PICT0021.JPG
Burninating the countrySNIDE. Tragdor!
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0023.JPG
The Mu dance was great. The bears were naked, as usual, and it was half polka, half conga line, half mosh pit, and 100% orgy.
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0026.JPG
This is really the core sequence of the dance. It just screams 'nothing.'
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0025.JPG
NOTHING!
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0030.JPG
All that interpretive dance was exhausting. The bears fell asleep at the end of the dance.
High Score Dreams.
The bears did this task in slow motion, so they could pretend to be on the moon (also it seemed more dreamlike that way). One small step for gummy, one giant leap for gummykind.
Single Player Journey to the End of the Night
After seventeen hours in wardrobe trying to get the damn armband on, we eventually had to just go with this instead. Turns out gummy arms just won't hold an armband...who knew?
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0558.JPG
The residents of GummyLand are spoiled, and refused to eat their player photo unless it was printed in frosting. Gossip: The green gummy originally recruited for this task got arrested on charges of petty theft (from the Evil Human Overlord) and still has not been released as of the time of this posting. (NOM NOM NOM)
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0560.JPG
This red gummy insisted on doing the task alone.
07.09.2008.09.51PICT0561.JPG
I have never seen a gummy eat that much frosting. That little red gummy didn't move for a week. A HUMAN week (which in gummy time is 10 years!).
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0038.JPG
This was supposed to be a hill of gummy bears, all doing the downward facing bear yoga pose. But it degenerated into an orgy almost instantaneously. I suppose we shouldn't have been surprised, what with all the bears being naked, but honestly we didn't see it coming.
07.09.2008.10.15Test.jpg
The gummies almost wore the ENTIRE TEST for the question that says wear nothing but the test, but fortunately we caught the mistake in time. We pulled out the page that says "Do not attempt to do anything with this page."
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0052.JPG
High fashion takes on a whole new meaning in the world of gummy bears.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0499.JPG
Banana!
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0487.JPG
Evil Sugar bought normal bananas, but before we could get out of the store, the gummies spotted these baby bananas and insisted that we get some of those too. God, they tasted aweful. Who buys these things? It must be that little kids think they're cute and con their parents into buying them or something. Blech.
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0482.JPG
Bananas!
07.09.2008.10.15PICT0489.JPG
Happy Bananas! We sure do hope Oswald is enjoying the bananas.
Test Complete!
The gummies finished the test with several days to spare. In their copious free time, they created a mini-series for their fellow test-takers entitled "The SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM - UR DOIN IT WRONG"
The SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM - UR DOIN IT WRONG
Test iz not a blanket. Iz not recommended to take the SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM while sleeping.
The SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM - UR DOIN IT WRONG
The SFZEROPRACTICAL iz not for nomming. It does not haz a flavah.
The SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM - UR DOIN IT WRONG
Iz not recommended to take test upside down. SFZEROPRACTICAL iz hard even upside up.
The SFZEROPRACTICAL EXAM - UR DOIN IT WRONG
Do NOT nom on teh gummies. They hatez it. (Srsly. Question #7 - DO NOT WANT)
21 vote(s)
GYØ Ben
5
susy derkins
5
teucer
5
Rainy
5
Optical Dave
5
Scarlett
5
LittleMonk
5
Tøm
5
teh Lolbrarian
5
Super Mean
5
auntie matter
5
Spidere
5
Lincøln
5
Minch
5
zer0gee
5
Not Here No More
5
Jellybean of Thark
5
Dela Dejavoo
5
Dopey
5
anna one
5
rehsamsevoL Lovesmasher
Terms
foecake, foecakefleur14 comment(s)
Gummy what. (Deeply speechless here).
Cannibalism as the ultimate commitment to the drive, and pretty too.
And the "not a phoenix" misunderstanding, after frosting sharing: so, so sad.
And pulling out the tricky page before wearing it, some of us were not that smart.
I may in fact have fallen for the blank page.
The PDF is the first file in the images section of the praxis.
You do not have the dumb. The SFZEROPRACTICAL is a tricksy test. It was hiding from you.
Rainy (who is synonyming as Pluvious), is glad the gummies enjoyed her office and sorry they were so frightened on the bus.
Do not feel bad that the gummies were frightened! They were pleased to have Rainy on the bus with them to protect them from strangers!
Those little forks and spoons are too cute.
The gummies' good friend Rainy (aka Pluvious) loaned them the silverware to use for the SFZEROPRACTICAL exam. Gummies, as a general rule, don't use forks and spoons -- it's much faster for them to eat by sticking their faces directly into the food.
I am so grateful for the personal warning… even as I scrolled down quickly to avoid seeing the carnage, I could not help but catch glimpses.
Also, I feel very sad for the Red Gummy’s confusion over cranes and phoenixes. I mourn both Red Gummy and Red Bear, and find comfort in the thought that perhaps they are both together again in a better place where no one must fear fires or noming.
The gummies are sorry to have exposed you to such dark happenings, dearest Minch. They needed to answer all the questions, you see, even if it meant doing unspeakable things. They hope that you do not think less of them for it.
My love for my dear sweet Gummies will never waiver, no matter what they are forced to endure for the sake of the game.
What you've included in the highlights is sheer brilliance.
I haven't read through the whole thing yet, but I plan on it.