I have had an unpregnancy.

I decided to get a vasectomy (we have two kids, we don't want more, and my insurance covers it). I knew I needed to document because your player never misses a connection, though it went differently than I anticipated at the time. See, I had a normal procedure. With very abnormal recovery.

Something went a little awry inside and there was bleeding. A lot of bleeding. My scrotum swelled up to a ridiculous size and turned purplish black. It's been said a fist sized bruise means as much as a pint of blood needs to be processed and reabsorbed by the body. I think I had like a quart. It was ridiculous.

I loved the procedure—the doc was nice, they gave me laughing gas, and I got a medal and vicodin when it was over. That's doubleplusgood. Then overnight it got swollen. I called a nurse and asked how large it can get. She said it's normal to double in size. What I didn't ask was "what colors are bad?"

I should have asked.

I went back to the doc the next week, about five days after, saying "I think there's something wrong." He wedged me into their schedule. I sat down in the exam room.

He took the sheet off and the first words out of his mouth were "woah."

You do not want to hear that as the official diagnosis. 
(I asked google about this a little later and here's some vas pictures. NSFW mine was just like the ones pictured in the "extreme bruising and swelling" section. No kidding.)  

He said it was one of the two worst hematomas he'd ever had in his 25 years of practice. And the other guy was someone he hadn't operated on. So he told me "you win."

How about that? I win. The prize? Stronger drugs

He prescribed percocet this time, and a big ol dose of levaquin to make sure I didn't have an infection. Guess what? levaquin and percocet do not get along inside me. They fight, and I lose. My lunch. My dinner. Anything I eat, I return with extreme prejudice.

The doc said "lay low." I said "I AM laying low."

"Lay lower!"

After another two weeks of sitting on my butt, exposing myself to a possible pill addiction, I went in for a follow up. He announced "looks great!" (the color was quite normal) and said I'll need to wear an athletic supporter some more (i'd been wearing one every day) and that it would take six months for the body to reabsorb all the blood from the hematoma.

"No wait. Probably more like nine months."

Ding! Task clarity achieved:
My wife has had two c-sections. So she'd had nine months, with nausea, followed by surgery, ending with babies.

So I suddenly realized I was going through an unpregnancy:
1. Have abdominal surgery
2. Go through violent nausea and exhaustion
3. Nine months go by
4. The end result is I can't make babies anymore

-Z