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Burn Unit
Clockwatcher
Level 6: 1668 points
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Last Logged In: June 9th, 2016
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30 + 125 points

CTRL + Z by Burn Unit

April 6th, 2010 9:03 AM / Location: 45.029649,-93.33649

INSTRUCTIONS: The law of entropy: a system tends to degenerate over time.

It is easy to shatter glass, but difficult to put it back together.
It is easy to create toast, but almost impossible to turn it back into bread.
It is easy to make mistakes. Destroy relationships. Regret choices.

But we know that time is flexible. Now undo.

I have had an unpregnancy.

I decided to get a vasectomy (we have two kids, we don't want more, and my insurance covers it). I knew I needed to document because your player never misses a connection, though it went differently than I anticipated at the time. See, I had a normal procedure. With very abnormal recovery.

Something went a little awry inside and there was bleeding. A lot of bleeding. My scrotum swelled up to a ridiculous size and turned purplish black. It's been said a fist sized bruise means as much as a pint of blood needs to be processed and reabsorbed by the body. I think I had like a quart. It was ridiculous.

I loved the procedure—the doc was nice, they gave me laughing gas, and I got a medal and vicodin when it was over. That's doubleplusgood. Then overnight it got swollen. I called a nurse and asked how large it can get. She said it's normal to double in size. What I didn't ask was "what colors are bad?"

I should have asked.

I went back to the doc the next week, about five days after, saying "I think there's something wrong." He wedged me into their schedule. I sat down in the exam room.

He took the sheet off and the first words out of his mouth were "woah."

You do not want to hear that as the official diagnosis. 
(I asked google about this a little later and here's some vas pictures. NSFW mine was just like the ones pictured in the "extreme bruising and swelling" section. No kidding.)  

He said it was one of the two worst hematomas he'd ever had in his 25 years of practice. And the other guy was someone he hadn't operated on. So he told me "you win."

How about that? I win. The prize? Stronger drugs

He prescribed percocet this time, and a big ol dose of levaquin to make sure I didn't have an infection. Guess what? levaquin and percocet do not get along inside me. They fight, and I lose. My lunch. My dinner. Anything I eat, I return with extreme prejudice.

The doc said "lay low." I said "I AM laying low."

"Lay lower!"

After another two weeks of sitting on my butt, exposing myself to a possible pill addiction, I went in for a follow up. He announced "looks great!" (the color was quite normal) and said I'll need to wear an athletic supporter some more (i'd been wearing one every day) and that it would take six months for the body to reabsorb all the blood from the hematoma.

"No wait. Probably more like nine months."

Ding! Task clarity achieved:
My wife has had two c-sections. So she'd had nine months, with nausea, followed by surgery, ending with babies.

So I suddenly realized I was going through an unpregnancy:
1. Have abdominal surgery
2. Go through violent nausea and exhaustion
3. Nine months go by
4. The end result is I can't make babies anymore

-Z

+ larger

proof
this is my I'm laying on the bed getting prepped face.
the implements of undoing
that's exactly what it looks like
I want one of these in my HOUSE.
oxygen levels are good, doctor.
I AM the greatest
they give you a medal.
day three
woah
this is my I hate pain and painkillers face
under that cat, is a bag of ice.
put your feet up!

29 vote(s)


Terms

medical, personal, drugs, casyj, surgery, dontworrymyhealthcarecoversit, children, doctor

10 comment(s)

Spin
posted by Greta Heiss on April 6th, 2010 7:14 PM

Interesting spin on the whole thing.

(no subject)
posted by Burn Unit on April 6th, 2010 8:29 PM

Thanks, it's what I live for!

(no subject) +4
posted by anna one on April 6th, 2010 8:03 PM

Oh golly, Burn Unit is no longer a euphemism for VD.

It's a euphemism for bruised grapefruit.

I win again!
posted by Burn Unit on April 6th, 2010 8:26 PM

Baaaahahahaha! Brilliant! I suppose I shall have to make that my player photo one of these days.

Your character never misses a (dis-) connection.
posted by Loki on April 7th, 2010 10:20 AM

Yowza.

Definitely not the reaction you hope for at the doctor's office.

(no subject)
posted by Burn Unit on April 9th, 2010 7:35 AM

holy crap you guys.

Thanks!

(no subject)
posted by rongo rongo on April 11th, 2010 6:10 PM

Er...how can the lab tell if they got a piece off the right and the left, or two pieces off the left?

Funny you should ask +1
posted by Burn Unit on April 11th, 2010 8:17 PM

Unprompted, except I asked about his remark that they have to "prove" the procedure was done, the doc said "see that? It's a clip I put on and then we note on the specimen jar which one has the clip."

You can see the clip as a little black speck on the segment in the left of the picture. I don't recall for sure but I think the jar was marked for the lab with "R vas has clip"

I'm also told I had a "large vas" (this has no relationship to Other anatomical sizes btw) and that in my case it would be unlikely a person could fake my vasectomy by sticking segments of an artery in there. I said "I bet you say that to all your patients." He didn't get the joke (maybe it was the laughing gas but I thought I was hilarious) and just said "No, I'm just saying what I observed."

(no subject)
posted by teucer on April 11th, 2010 9:04 PM

...why the hell would anyone fake a vasectomy? That seems really weird.

Crooks are everywhere
posted by Burn Unit on April 12th, 2010 4:36 AM

Insurance payout I guess?