6 October 2009 For weeks now I've had my suspicions, but recent evidence has cemented my fears: my friend [Codename: Orange] is a spy.

For Who? That is a question I have yet to answer.

For What? It could be anything. I'd be surprised if he were even being paid. He's a depraved individual, likely to conduct investigations for little more than childrens' teeth, vintage Apple equipment, or taxidermy of endangered animals.

Why? Perhaps he is a powerful mage seeking to banish my soul to some eternal torment, consequence for my having read Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle 666 times in one lengthy sitting. Maybe it's just because he likes my cat and wants to know more despite the cat's shy, reclusive nature.

How? That is what I am just beginning to piece together, and my findings are startling.

Evidence

Exhibit A: He was the first coworker to visit my apartment. I'm new at the Mac Store in Portland (no, it's not an Apple store), and this is where I met [Orange]. Surprisingly, he was the first person from the store to come to my house to visit. This isn't arbitrary, it is an important element in the equation. You see, the staff here comprises a tight-knit group of friends, one that often gets together for beers and other extra-curricular activities.

The strange thing is this: [Orange] isn't even close to the most outgoing person working here. Based on other personalities, he's pretty anti-social, or at least asocial in interactions outside of the internet. So why is it that he was the first person to come to my apartment for a visit? Was he perhaps gathering intelligence on me, my cat, & my home? Did he need to see me in my environment, scout for weaknesses, hiding spots, and open windows, all while planting bugs along the way? I don't see why not.

Exhibit B: Immunity to Sarcasm. Whether it's intentional or misunderstood, sarcasm doesn't affect him in the slightest. He has an unflinchingly straight face, a perfect tool for gathering intelligence.

Exhibit C: A Sudden Trip to SF. I talk about San Francisco pretty often. Every time someone comes into the store who is from/going to/was recently in San Francisco, I drop what I'm doing to pester them about the City. I can't help it. I think I'm homesick or something. Well, [Orange] has heard this repeatedly. He knows how I feel about the City, he knows I call it "home". He also (presumably) knows that he could find out anything he could want to know about me while on a short trip to San Francisco. Which is why his sudden trip to the City last week has drawn my attention. He doesn't know anyone there, only a thinly disguised excuse of "visiting his goddaughter" is given as a reason for the trip. The fool that I am, I even sent him a list of the things I loved about SF, places to eat, sights to see. This list was requested by [Orange], and now he has a key to the life that I lived there. Here is the list:

[Orange],

Here is the first of the list for you, eateries.

1: Dottie's True Blue Cafe.

2: Q Restaurant. Easily one of my favorite eatin' places in SF. Their Mac & Chesse is excellent, their Brunch is great, but you simply have to try the Potato Croquettes. Oh. My. God. Tasty. AFM! If you eat here, make sure you check out Green Apple Books just up the street, one of the best bookshops in the city.

3: Beach/Park Chalet. If it's sunny, check out their backyard on the Park side, always good times to be had there.

4: Burgermeister. Gah! I miss this place! Best Hamburgers EVER! Damn good fries, too. I like the one on Church st, near Aardvark Books, which is a fuckin great book store, too.

5: Holy Grill. MMMMmmmmmM, best place to eat if you're stuck at REI all day.

List two, views/sightseeing.

1: Coit Tower. It's pretty cool, go early in the morning and there won't be anyone, and the view of the bay is awesome!

2: Buena Vista Park. Near Haight, good views of the city.

3: Grand View Park. Check out the awesome community-built mosaic staircase! This is where I usually ended up.

4: Twin Peaks Park. Some of the best views in the city, but can be crowded.

5: Green Apple Books. See #2 under Fooderies.

6: The De Young Museum. Right in the middle of Golden Gate Park. this is one of the better Museums in SF. Worth the admission price just to go up into the tower and have a look around.

7: Fort Funston. West Coast anti-Japanese barricade from WWII, now sort of a dog park. I used to walk over while on break from my classes, it's just across Lake Merced from SF State campus. I was once hunted by a hawk for my PB&J sandwich while I was here.

Well, that's probably good for now. I hope you enjoy the trip! Let me know if you need more info/places to see. I didn't want to overwhelm you yet...

Stay out my bidnass,

[Juxtapolemic]
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Notice that I signed the message "Stay out my bidnass," a warning to any who would pry into my bidnass willy-nilly. He ignored it, and decided to delve into my Bay Area past.

Exhibit D: Chat history with other coworkers. After looking into other sources, it seems likely that [Orange] is indeed a spy, but who he works for remains a mystery.

7:17 PM me: The next task I do: http://sf0.org/tasks/prolific-paranoia/
Blue: hahah, [Orange] is a spy for apple
7:18 PM me: I was thinking something like that, except he seems to be prying into my personal life & history, what with his sudden trip to San Francisco & all.
Blue: holy crap!!
me: Speaking of, he hasn't mentioned anything to you about me, has he?
Blue: no
(unless he specifically told me to say that when you ask)
me: Hmm, I think something is afoul here.
Wait!
Did he?
Blue: lol
7:19 PM me: I can pay you whatever he offered you x2
Blue: absolutely.
but I have the exact same dirt on [Orange] that you do
me: Damn, but at least it will corroborate the evidence
7:20 PM He may work for Apple, but what would Apple want with me?
Why would they send him after me?
No
It's not Apple,
it can't be
Just a front, because that's too easy
Blue: awit too obvious
me: That's what [Orange] would want us to think
7:21 PM I was such a fool!
I gave him a list of the places I would go, the things I would see.
Blue: he'll be back soon enough, I'll tag and bag him and you can get a proper interrogation
me: He knows EVERYTHING now!!
No
No interrogation
Then we may never find out who hired him
and why
7:22 PM I must be careful
How do I know you aren't a part of this
?
You've known him longer
I'm new
You guys are being so nice to me
Blue: I don't play sides.
me: Too nice
Fuck I knew I should have looked deeper into this before I spoke to anyone
7:23 PM Blue: Spies are dicks.
me: That's what a spy would say
7:24 PM Blue: I dunno what to tell you man, I'm a free agent with keen ears willing to sell out to anyone at anytime.
We are hell of roleplaying lulz
7:25 PM
me: That's good to hear. I may be able to use your Keen ears. I must get to the bottom of this.
7:27 PM
me: Oh shit [Orange]'s online!
7:37 PM Blue: yeah, I've been speaking with him for the past few momen--...I mean, oh look, [Orange] is online!
me: Hey WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!
Wha..What did he say?
7:38 PM You didn't tell him what I said, did you?
DID YOU?
Blue: Nope.
me: OK good whew \
7:39 PM Blue: I gues he's coming back sooner than expected though
me: I wonder why, maybe he found out what he needed to and can leave now
o shit
7:40 PM Whothefuck did he talk to, I need to call someone...
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Conclusion: This person is definitely a spy. His strange behavior has long been suspect, now I just have to find out who he's working for. My only hope is that he doesn't eat the cyanide tablets before he talks.

Anytime I mention strange, spy-like activity to him, it just causes more awkwardness. He's not sure what the hell I'm talking about, and isn't very amused by what he thinks is actually happening. At this point I think that I've convinced him that I'm a spy and he should in turn investigate me an find out why I've been employing duck-and-cover methods around him at work.

The only photo that he cared to send was one of his trip to Alcatraz, which is obviously misinformation. I've never been out to the island and it surely wasn't on my list. He only sent the picture to put me off the trail, I know it.

This, I believe, is endgame for this task. More photos/updates to come.